I’ve been with my wife for almost 17 years now, and I can’t put up with her much longer. In the beginning of our relationship things were great, and even after the first few years of marriage. She use to be this fun outgoing person with a bubbly personality. She was fun to be around, and I would actually look forward to coming home and seeing her. She also use to take care of herself physically and run 4 miles a day and go to the gym. We would do marathons and hikes together. In the last 5 years something has gone terribly wrong, and she’s a completely different person. She constantly complains about everything, and blows up over the smallest inconveniences. She goes through my phone daily which I don’t really care for, because I have nothing to hide. I’ve never even given her a reason to be suspicious. She’s a SAHM by choice and doesn’t even take care of the house at this point. I work a physical job all day, and have to come home to a dirty house and provide food for my family. My weekends are spent cleaning up the house and doing things she should’ve done in the first place. The only reason I’ve been this patient is because she does she a therapist to help her mentally. The issue is that she’s been getting help for the past 5 years for this. I just don’t think I can take much more of this for my health. I’m not even allowed to go out with my friends, because I might see other women and leave her. And you know what she might actually have a valid fear at this point in our relationship. Then there was the incident with our neighbors daughter who just got her license. The poor girl was backing her car and accidentally bumped into our mailbox. My wife went ballistic and started yelling at her. Wife threatened to call the police. The whole time this poor girl is crying. I had to intervene and told my wife to go inside. Then I had to calm the girl down and explain the situation to her parents. I told them not to worry about our mailbox or my wife. That was the day I realized my wife is a monster. I mean you would’ve thought the girl ran over my wife the way she was acting. My friends are constantly telling me to leave her. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t go through with it. Maybe because we’ve been together so long and I have hope that she might return to that woman I fell in love with years ago. Also I don’t feel like going through a divorce and having a custody battle. The other option is I stay and hope that the Therapy pans out. I know this turned into a vent, but I would appreciate any advice you can give me.
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Grow a pair and stop enabling her.
What do you think caused the change? Kids? Something you did? Does she give but never takes, or something like that? I’m just trying to pry for more info.
Have you read up on ’emotional dysregulation’? Therapy is the only possible resolution for a better outcome.
She definitely needs a new therapist
Seriously… it’s a tough spot. You’re right to feel torn, clinging to the hope of your wife returning to who she once was, but allowing yourself to be worn down by her behavior is damaging to your mental and emotional health. The fact that she’s actively seeking therapy and still exhibiting these extreme reactions suggests a deeper issue, and you shouldn’t be the one bearing the brunt of it. While it’s difficult to walk away from a long-term commitment, prioritizing your well-being and setting firm boundaries is ESSENTIAL, even if it means confronting the possibility of a difficult separation. You deserve a relationship built on mutual respect and emotional stability, and staying in a situation that consistently undermines your happiness isn’t sustainable
You need a good session of deep communication. Tell her how you’re feeling and give her a chance to explain herself. From there you can decide if a new therapist or a divorce lawyer is needed.
Have you considered a therapist for yourself? It may be helpful to narrow down the best actions to take.
Therapy only works if the client admits she needs help and is interested in self improvement. Otherwise the only one benefitting is the therapist, and 5 years’ worth of therapy cost a lot of money. I think there are therapists who are cruel when they know that clients are not progressing but would gladly just get paid for talking and listening. I would look at my finances and figure out my options. If we separate then what kind of living situation would I be in? Would my kids pick me over the mother? Am I going to get half custody? Is being single better than being with my wife? If you stay, then I would practice meditation and develop zen mindset like a monk. Then no one or no mess can emotionally bother you.
Couples therapy together. Insist on it. It will help you reach a decision one way or the other and not second guess it.
>also I don’t feel like going through a divorce and having a custody battle
So you’d rather let your kids go through the trauma of living in this nightmare with you? You won’t fight for your kids? You don’t care if they have to grow up tiptoeing around their dysfunctional mom and catering to her every emotional outburst, because dad couldn’t be bothered to stand up for them? You don’t care if their childhood trauma cripples their ability to form healthy relationships and gives them lifelong anxiety and depression?
Fine, stay then. Slowly fossilize into a shell. Grow warm in the boiling pot until it’s too late to hop out. You’ll most likely lose all contact with your kids when they’re finally old enough to break free and get away from the monster you choose to stay married to. And they won’t come back. Ask me how I know.