I (27F) have been writing as a hobby for about 12 years, mostly in RP servers. For the most part, I have a tight knit group of friends who are all good writers, kind and understanding, and know how to seperate our oc relationships from our actual selves. Many of us are married, have kids, etc, and we like to share some of the stories we write with our partners. My husband is also supportive and has tried to join the group a few times, but it never really worked out and he just wasn’t too into it.
This has not always been the case for me. When I was younger, I encountered a lot of more nefarious RPers who did not have good intentions. For the sake of this post, I won’t go into details, but I’ll just say it’s made me hyper aware of any new people I haven’t known for very long. Picking up on any subtle signals that they might not be a safe person. One of the earliest signs for me is if they start using pet names for me directly. I don’t like hearing them from strangers, I will politely but firmly tell them I am not comfortable with that name, and remind them to use the username I have given. If they cannot respect that boundary, I’ll more likely than not unfriend them.
Recently someone new joined our server. Let’s call him Jay. Jay was casual with the group, one person vouching he was chill, and Jay messages me, asking about 1 on 1 RP. Sure, whatever, that’s my specialty. As we’re talking and I’m sharing my first character, he starts calling me Sweetheart. I ask him to stop and he gets huffy, saying he gives nicknames to all his friends. I tell him again, just Tada please. I don’t want any terms of endearment. He demands to know why and I say it’s a boundary I have that I want respected. I refuse to go into detail, and just put him on mute as I go to bed.
Next morning I wake up to the server exploding with messages, this guy ranting that I was rude and unfair over a simple pet name. My friends ask why I’m not ok with it and I said I didn’t want a random man calling me “Sweetheart” online. He was threatening to leave the server if I didn’t “lighten up” and my friends are asking me to make peace with him since we’re kind of desperate for some new blood. The one friend who invited him insisted Jay is chill, but I got huffy and pointed out that they’re a guy, so Jay was obviously going to be more relaxed with him. If he wasn’t going to respect the very first boundary I make, how could I trust Jay with anything else.
So am I the AH for how I handled this?
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I (27F) have been writing as a hobby for about 12 years, mostly in RP servers. For the most part, I have a tight knit group of friends who are all good writers, kind and understanding, and know how to seperate our oc relationships from our actual selves. Many of us are married, have kids, etc, and we like to share some of the stories we write with our partners. My husband is also supportive and has tried to join the group a few times, but it never really worked out and he just wasn’t too into it.
This has not always been the case for me. When I was younger, I encountered a lot of more nefarious RPers who did not have good intentions. For the sake of this post, I won’t go into details, but I’ll just say it’s made me hyper aware of any new people I haven’t known for very long. Picking up on any subtle signals that they might not be a safe person. One of the earliest signs for me is if they start using pet names for me directly. I don’t like hearing them from strangers, I will politely but firmly tell them I am not comfortable with that name, and remind them to use the username I have given. If they cannot respect that boundary, I’ll more likely than not unfriend them.
Recently someone new joined our server. Let’s call him Jay. Jay was casual with the group, one person vouching he was chill, and Jay messages me, asking about 1 on 1 RP. Sure, whatever, that’s my specialty. As we’re talking and I’m sharing my first character, he starts calling me Sweetheart. I ask him to stop and he gets huffy, saying he gives nicknames to all his friends. I tell him again, just Tada please. I don’t want any terms of endearment. He demands to know why and I say it’s a boundary I have that I want respected. I refuse to go into detail, and just put him on mute as I go to bed.
Next morning I wake up to the server exploding with messages, this guy ranting that I was rude and unfair over a simple pet name. My friends ask why I’m not ok with it and I said I didn’t want a random man calling me “Sweetheart” online. He was threatening to leave the server if I didn’t “lighten up” and my friends are asking me to make peace with him since we’re kind of desperate for some new blood. The one friend who invited him insisted Jay is chill, but I got huffy and pointed out that they’re a guy, so Jay was obviously going to be more relaxed with him. If he wasn’t going to respect the very first boundary I make, how could I trust Jay with anything else.
So am I the AH for how I handled this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the AH for the boundary I set with a new RP partner. My friends insist he’s a fine person and wouldn’t be a risk, but I was firm (and somewhat rude) to them all, saying this is a boundary I demand to be respected, regardless of who I’m RPing with. Jay is threatening to leave the whole server, my friends are trying to mitigate, and I am uncompromising.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA! If a person doesn’t respect a simple boundary that you have, they don’t deserve to be your friend or even an acquaintance for that matter.
NTA, mate. If “chill” Jay can’t respect a simple boundary like not using pet names, then he ain’t that chill imo. People gotta learn that online ain’t always the same as irl. You build trustworthy r’ships by respecting other’s comfort zones. No one should make you feel pressured to “lighten up” over sth that clearly bothers ya. Stick to your guns!
NTA.
I have been text-based rping on servers and forums alike for over 22 years.
Pet names are not loved by all. A boundary on them should always be respected, when it is not that is an AUTO-RED-FLAG!
Jay is NOT chill.
Seen the pattern a hundred times. He will be a problem for you and others. If he does leave he will not be missed. (spoiler: he won’t, and if he does, he won’t stay gone)
Do not bend on this. Do not write with him. He needs to stay on your “do not write with list” and just avoid him at all costs.
NTA
Ask the friend who invited him in the group if Jay calls him ‘sweetheart’. Since that’s his claim.
NTA. Jay couldn’t be less chill if he were on fire.
You politely stated your boundary, he he tromped all over it right from the start. And to go full hissy fit with the whole server over this? He’s the kind of person that kills servers with his toxic, entitled behaviour. If your friends don’t have your back on this and cannot see what damage he’ll cause? Then they’re to blame for what will happen if he’s allowed to continue this way.
NTA and Jay is not cool.
NTA. I find it fascinating how no one on the server questioned his motivation to insist on calling you sweetheart when he barely knows you, but they thought nothing of questioning you for asking him not to.
“Because I am not comfortable with a stranger calling me that,” is a valid reason.
Did any of them stop to consider that his extreme reaction to so innocuous a boundary was a serious red flag? Why is it so important to him to be able to call you “sweetheart”? It’s a name that should be reserved for an intimate partner or children. Calling you that was either weirdly intimate, or belittling. In either case, it was not appropriate. It isn’t your responsibility to “make peace” with people who don’t behave appropriately.
You’re NTA.
If Jay were so “chill” and just happened to be one of those people like those from the U.S. South who throw around terms of endearment to random strangers without meaning any harm, he would not be having such a tantrum about you asking him to stop it.
You may need to peoin your group, but you don’t need people who can’t respect a simple request to call you what you want to be called.
NTA
If giving someone a pet name “isn’t a big deal” then neither should respecting someone’s boundary to not be called a pet name
You weren’t rude for asking for your boundary to be respected, he is rude for pushing them.
Anyone who interacts with you often should know that you’re not generally rude (I hope)
NTA. He was not Chill. No means no and if he can’t respect that boundary then he’s not a good fit. Rather a dead server than a toxic one where you’re uncomfortable. Don’t do 1 on 1 RP anymore.
Nope, absolutely NTA.
Great boundary. You get to say what people call you. That goes IRL as much as online. Anyone who can’t manage that gets ignored.
NTA. You’re completely in the right. You set the boundary, jerkwad doesn’t respect it. He can either abide by your rules or GTFO.