My boyfriend (21M) and me (20F) have been together for a little over a year. A few months ago we started talking about moving in together. Not because of finances or anything like that, just because we love each other and want to take the “next step”. While I am excited by the thought of it, I also have my doubts. Mainly because it feels like we’re not quite on the same page.
I left my childhood home at 17 and moved several states away from my family because of abuse, and living alone has really done wonders for me. I have always been very independent, since I had to tend to myself from a very young age due to neglect. I have learned to make a home for myself, I taught myself to cook, clean and do all the things that comes with living on your own.
My boyfriend, on the other hand, still lives with his parents. Nothing wrong with that, we’re still young, and he studies at a uni close to his home. The issue I’m worried about is the fact that he’s much more dependant on his mom. He rarely washes his own clothes, he never cooks, and he doesn’t know how to cook either. His mom asks him to take out the trash, she sometimes cleans his room (even though he does that himself as well) and even takes his temperature when he’s sick. He mostly spends his days in his room, playing video games without even opening his blinds. He’s had some issues in his life leading him to become a bit stunned in his social development – he doesn’t have many friends or much experience in life. I understand that his situation is normal too, but I worry about us being too different.
I told him about this, and said that I think it would be a good idea for him to live alone for a bit before we move in together. I have made it very clear that I will not become his mom, I will not pester him about chores, and that I fully expect him to realize that the dishes needs to be done and the trash taken out on his own. He gets where I’m coming from, but he says he doesn’t want to live alone because he worries his mental health will take a toll from it. I understand this from some extent, but at the same time, if he might get worse from living alone, what would be the difference when he lives with me?
I don’t know if I’m being overly neurotic about this. It feels like the gap in our life experience could potentially become an issue, but I won’t know that if we don’t try either. I’m just afraid of becoming that irritating, boring mom-gf that constantly needs to tell him to do basic household things. Does anyone else have experience with this? What do you think I should do? Thank you in advance <3
TL;DR: Thinking of moving in with my boyfriend, but our differences in skills and experiences worries me. He doesn’t want to try living alone beforehand.
Comments
You told him what worried you. What did he say? Did he assure you he was ready to do his share? People can rise to the occasion, but how has he demonstrated that he’s ready for this new level of responsibility?
Honestly, your concerns are super valid. Moving in with someone who’s never lived on their own can turn into a roommate-parent dynamic real quick. If he can’t handle basic life stuff solo, it might end up falling on you, even if he says he gets it. Love isn’t enough to carry dirty dishes and emotional labor. Maybe give him a trial run like a month of him handling his own chores while still at home and see how that goes before signing a lease together.
Him living alone is a good chance to learn the skills, and it doesn’t mean you wouldn’t see each other, just that he’d be responsible for his own place. It isn’t absolutely necessary, as long as he is willing to learn these skills and practice them by sharing all the chores with you.
I had to teach my then-girlfriend-now-wife how to cook; she never learned. When she was staying at school for a summer, right after we met, she was starting to do poorly…because she wasn’t eating properly. We got through that, and I taught her how to do different things, but I’m still the main cook at home. She is able to take over if I’m not available for whatever reason, though.
I think the bigger concern would be how you will interact with his mom. There are uncounted stories, in places like r/JUSTNOMIL , where you find moms who accuse their son’s girlfriend of “starving him” or “not taking care of him,” and try to drive a wedge between her son and the girlfriend. This doesn’t mean that your boyfriend’s mom will be like this, but it seems more likely if she never bothered to teach him such household skills.
Just because he lives with his parents doesn’t mean he doesn’t understand or do chores at home, does he?
I’m personally, believe that everyone should (if they have the ability to) live alone for at least a year before moving in with anyone.
I didn’t have the opportunity to do that until I was 28 years old; my ex moved out for reasons, and I was alone for 14 months…and I learned more about myself, who I was, what my “shape in the world” was, during those months, than I had at any time up to that point.
By living alone, you really figure out who you are and how you would live your life if you didn’t have to shape it around the expectations of other people…so that when you do come to live with someone else, you are conscious of the compromises you have to make, which means that you can decide if they are compromises you’re willing to make.
If we spend our entire lives living with other people, often we are making compromises all along that we never even become aware of, but those compromises can cause stress, and if we aren’t aware that we’re making them, the stress appears to come out of nowhere, and we can’t figure out why it’s there.
So yes, if you can live alone, do so for at least a year, so that when you eventually move in with someone, you know exactly what things you’re having to compromise on to do so, and can choose whether you are or are not willing to compromise on those things.
Have you guys ever done a trip away for a few days at an air bnb to see how he is by himself? I know I’ve done this with friends and if I ever chose to room with one I know who and who not to ask.
But I think if you have expressed multiple times your concern, try doing a trial run whether it be a BNB, or even at his own house. Good luck!
Don’t move in together until he’s lived alone or proven he can adult. The gap in life experience is a real issue, and his reluctance to try independence is a red flag. Stand your ground. You’re not his mom.
Just from reading the title, I was going to say that ideally yes, both people should live on their own/with roommates/out of the family home before moving in together.
When my now-husband and I moved in together, I left an apartment with roommates and he left his family home, but he picked up quick on how to be a more functional adult and good partner. When he lived with his family, he was still buying his own groceries and cooking his own meals (aside from family meals a couple times a week), paying for his own cell phone + car insurance + gas, doing his own laundry, and keeping his bedroom and bathroom clean enough. When we first moved in together, I was the one doing the bulk of the cleaning and maintaining of the shared spaces (kitchen, living room), but over time and after a few conversations, it became a lot more equal.
I’m concerned by the way that you describe how your boyfriend lives at home with his family. Frankly I’d be turned off by a partner whose mom does so much of what should be basic adult human chores. When you move in together, is he going to expect you to pick up where his mom left off? Or is he taking the stepsto become a functioning adult now that you guys are thinking about the future?
He doesn’t have to live alone, he can get roommates. He’ll still learn what he needs to learn and you wont become his mom.
I don’t think living alone is essential, but living independently of his parents definitely sounds like a reasonable ask. Living in a house share or similar where he is responsible for his own life and theres no expectation that anyone will pick up his slack is a perfectly good way of learning to live as an adult.
But honestly, the fact he’s not really doing any chores living at home with his parents and spends all his time gaming in the dark is a big red flag. It’s not giving signs that he wants to be an independent adult.
I think you are being reasonable. If the mental health toll of even trying to live alone (or possibly with a different roommate) is too much for him, he’s not ready to move in with a romantic partner either. You will be parentified, even when you both agree you don’t want that, and there will be resentments. Plus, it’s setting him up for failure on living alone if you ever do breakup because he will only associate moving out with that. I moved out for the first time at 17, and I had lived away from home for a decade when I moved in with my partner. He spent a year and a half living on his own in distant places for school, but he still had all that time at his parent’s home that I didn’t and it still was a big experience gap and adjustment period and we had been together for almost 5 years in our late 20’s. It would be different if this was mainly for financial reasons, but since it’s not, don’t rush into this or compromise. Everyone needs a chance to have a space that’s entirely their own and to learn what routines work for them before beginning to work on compromising those with someone else.