I’m 38M and feeling a bit confused about a close female friend of mine, 36F. How would you define this type of friendship?
We have known for several years, spend some time together, sometimes go dancing, and she occasionally gives me platonic massages for money – she’s professionally trained, but I’m the only one she treats. We’ve made it clear several times that we’re just friends. So far, the boundaries seemed clear.
Some weeks ago, she had an important public performance. Her boyfriend didn’t want to come. She asked me to come, and I did. She was very happy I was there, hugged me multiple times, and said that, due to her nervousness, she felt a strong need to cuddle. Afterwards, we went for a long walk – talked about various topics, including very private topics – and took photos of each other. She also expressed interest in looking after my kids sometime.
Eventually, I got tired and wanted to head home. Just as we were about to say goodbye, she suddenly gave a little speech about how we’re “just friends”, that she behaves this way with everyone she’s close to, and that what she does with me isn’t anything special or exclusive. Right after that, she hugged me again, came back for a second hug, and said as she walked away that the day had been wonderful for her.
Some days later, we had an appointment for another massage at 9pm in the evening. She offered me the possibility to sleep in her guest room because of the time (stating that she offers this also to other friends), but I drove home after the massage (around midnight). Before saying goodbye, she initiated a long hug, but then said after some seconds that it was too much for her. Some shorter hugs followed and I left her apartment.
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She has a boyfriend and has told you multiple times that she views you as a friend. So I would say you are….friends. It’s not that complicated.
Either listen to what she’s saying and don’t do anything you’d consider weird or uncomfortable if it were with any of your other friends, or tell her that despite her insistence it’s all platonic, this feels like too much and she should probably focus on figuring out what she wants to do about being with someone who isn’t showing up for her.
If she’s verbally expressing these labels and boundaries this frequently I would have to wonder if it was something OP is doing to make her feel that it’s necessary OR if she’s actually struggling with her own feelings and needs to repeat the boundaries so that she can continue the friendship without worrying about crossing a line. As a woman with close male friends, I’ve never needed to inform them that their treatment is not special or above what other friends are offered, that’s super odd to me.
I would say don’t be like me
Don’t get too attached to the mixed signals
And if it feels heavy for you just make a distance between each other
Well she has a boyfriend. Would you want a girlfriend who behaves like that with other men? Some other dude would be sleeping in your girlfriend’s apartment. Don’t catch feelings and get your own girlfriend.
She has a boyfriend, and when she needs someone she calls you, when he can’t be there. You pay for massages, she freindzones you. Smh….
What kind of a friend is she ie a good one or one you hear from often? What does she give to this friendship and does she reciprocate in kind without expecting something in return? I’d pull back if you have feelings because her actions are confusing.