She told me today that my need for consideration and privacy with this puts a wedge in our relationship and hurts her.
There is no real other context here, no past secrets between us or anything. It just feels invasive to me. I give her the same consideration, ask her if I can use her things before borrowing them, etc. And I’d almost always say yes if she asked. But she is crying this morning and says I’m letting my past punish her for something that isn’t wrong of her to do.
Your opinions on whether I am being unreasonable or damaging our relationship?
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Why is she opening your mail? What is it about your past that she thinks your punishing her with? I assume you live together?
There’s some missing info here.
I’m in my 50s, have lived with 2 men I wasn’t married to. I can’t recall ever opening their mail unless it was something that impacted us both, like a utility bill. They would do the same if they got the mail first. I don’t recall ever opening anything else.
If you’re in the US you could just cite USC Section 1702 of Title 18 that makes it a felony to open someone else’s mail.
Not only is it not unreasonable of you to ask, she’s actually breaking federal law by opening your mail.
Why does she even want to open your mail? I feel like I’m missing something. Does she not trust you? What does she think you’re getting in the mail that she needs to read? She’s 38 and acting like this over mail?? How long have you been together and is she like this about other things?
Tell her that her need to invade your privacy is also putting a strain on the relationship!
What are her intentions with opening up that mail? Is she just oblivious to privacy concerns or does she genuinely think you have something to hide.
I mean… In a legal context… Opening someone else’s mail without permission, including a spouses, is considered a federal crime (USA).
Her counter argument sounds manipulative…
>Wow, your need for consideration is ruining our relationship. I am going to cry because you’re letting your past punish me and its not wrong of me to be this invasive.
Actually, it is quite wrong in a lot of ways.
Why does she feel a heavy need to open your mail anyways? Is it that hard for her to just… Leave it for you to open?
Is she like this with anything else?
Zero privacy for yourself in the relationship.
How you (Op) approach this stuff, inquiring first before you borrow or use something of hers… Its just basic manners.
You’re not being unreasonable at all. You’re just expecting a basic level of respect towards you. But she is a toddler throwing a tantrum because she can’t handle being told no.
>I’m letting my past punish her
What does this mean?
This is just an issue of respect, or in your case – disrespect.
IF you decide to stay with her, getting a PO Box is an option
I have been with my wife for 20 years and 12 married, we have NEVER opened each other’s mail. Your GF is too old to be this insecure and using that as a defensive tactic to play victim. Why are you with such an emotionally unbalanced woman?
It sounds like you’re dealing with something that feels deeply personal, and it’s understandable how it could create tension (though I wonder if there’s a way to address this without making it feel like an attack on her trust), maybe having an open conversation about what specifically makes this feel invasive for you could help both of you feel more secure in the relationship.
NTA. Me and my spouse have been married 45 years. I don’t open his mail unless it’s a bill, because, !) he won’t open them and 2) I pay them. Other then that his mail is his mail. I also don’t go through his wallet either. He doesn’t go through my purse either.
I have been married for 15 years and I wouldn’t open my mail addressed to my husband without his consent. He does open mine because I’ve asked him to, but only because he pays the bills. It’s really weird to me that your girlfriend is this upset about you wanting her to ask before opening your mail.
Do you monitor your credit? Just curious.
You’re 48 dude. You should know by now that it’s ok to walk away from people who violate your boundaries and manipulate you when you try to stand on business. Another woman will come along, break up with her. People who do this shit are abusive. Dump her. The way I move in relationships now, if you do something that makes me feel violated I will address it once, maybe twice if I can see you’re trying to change but slip up a little. Anything after that you’re playing in my face and I’m out. This is going to spill into other aspects of your life if you let this slide. Soon it’ll be your phone lol. And like the others said it’s a crime. Good luck.
My husband and I live together… I don’t open his mail unless it’s the mortgage or something like that with both our names on it. Even if it’s a doctor bill in his name, I don’t. It’s not that it’s a secret, it’s that he’s an adult. He opens it and then drops it on the table, so it’s not like anything is hidden etc.
I just don’t see the need for me to open something addressed to him.
In your situation…my guess is that she’s feeling insecure in her position with you, wants to feel like more than a girlfriend or something. She’s wanting to move the line a little bit in that direction.
I don’t open anyone’s mail! Not even my husband’s and we have no secrets!
Unless you two live together and we’re talking about shared bills that happen to be your name only you are not being unreasonable, she very much is though. Even if there were trust issues in the past what would checking your mail do? But on the other hand her opening financial statements (bank, CC, investing, etc) that are solely yours or cards/letters for you specifically is a tremendous breach of trust. I don’t necessarily think those are things you’d hide but it is your personal choice of what to share and how much.
Tell her having healthy boundaries is good for a healthy relationship and her insecurities are bad for a healthy relationship.
Tell her you have no interests in having a relationship where there is a lack of basic respect. Just because you two are in a relationship, in doesn’t mean you two become the same person. It’s important to keep your identity and self, and you don’t want a co-dependency relationship where you two act as one person.
Ask her why she feels she needs to open your mail. Does she not trust you? Is she nosey? What information is she gaining by opening up your mail? You mentioned that she said your past is punishing her?????? So there is more to this story.
Info needed, do you live together and have shared bills?
Is there ever any need for her to open letters addressed to you?
For example I live with my partner the water is in my name and the electric is in their name. When we get the bills whoever checks the mail opens the bills so they can get paid
Your post makes her sound like a stalker driving to your house and sneaking to your mailbox to read your mail.
I swear boundaries only matter to women when it relates to them. Smh, if she thinks basic respect to you and your property is hurtful, I’d question her. Maturity level.
This shouldn’t even be an argument. If somebody doesn’t want you opening their mail, you just don’t open their mail. There is no need for compromise. There aren’t two sides to this.
There is a person who gets to decide what to do with their mail, and another person who can fuck off.
Remind her its a federal offense to open mail not addressed to her
I don’t open any mail addressed to my husband including our shared bills because I hate opening my own mail. I don’t want to add more to my pile.
I don’t even open my own mail 💀
Key point…is a gf so no does not have right to open your mail. Why is she crying about that? Girl is dramatic and nosey.
Your girlfriend is being unreasonable and is trying to rationalize her behaviour.
“Your need for consideration and privacy puts a wedge in our relationship”. Hum, nope.
How about “No, YOUR lack of respect for my request of basic baseline privacy of letting me open my own mail is putting a wedge in our relationship.”
She’s twisting it around to make you the guilty person, when she’s the one doing something wrong. May i ask…. Does this happen often…..?
I have never opened my husband’s mail, otherwise when he has asked me!
16 years together, no secret between us…. I just don’t see the need if opening his mail!
I was married for 10 years and I didnt open his mail. Unless it was a utility bill in his name because I generally handled our finances/bill paying. I’m in a relationship now, we’ve been living together 5 years. We’re not married and no plans to marry. I would never open his mail and he would never open mine. I dont know the interest rate on his credit card. We keep separate finances. We’re not secretive, but as long as we each pay our share of the bills and keep each other in the loop on any financial issues, there’s no need for us to be checking each others mail.
You’re not wrong here. Opening someone’s mail is invasive. There’s a reason it’s illegal. She’s being manipulative crying about it. This isnt something that’s ‘normal’ in most relationships in my opinion. If you wouldnt tell her where you work or live, hid your friends and family, etc. then she can cry about it. Being upset because you dont want her to open your mail is wild.
I’m assuming you live together if she has access to your mail. If not, get a PO Box. If you do and she needs this kind of complete access and you value your basic privacies maybe you two just arent compatible.
It’s literally a felony
You already know that telling her not to and the she still does is a big red.
If she’s opening up your bday cards, that’s just mean and why would you put up feign that? If she’s opening up bills and then paying them, I’d let it slide.
Is she getting all your financial info?!? Account numbers, balances, etc.? If do, you’re a mark for financial abuse. I’d switch to electronic statements. And don’t give her any login info to anything.
“She told me today that my need for consideration and privacy with this puts a wedge in our relationship and hurts her”
😳😬🚩
Get a PO Box and reconsider this relationship.
My mom rarely opens mail that’s addresed to just my dad – and they’ve been married for 65 years. This is not only a weird thing to want, it’s a VERY strange thing to make an issue of. In some marriages both parties don’t care, but for you – you would prefer to be asked or to open your own mail. This is a reasonable boundary. Why on earth does she want to open your mail without having to ask? Why does she need this, to the point of making herself hysterical? If feels performative.
I’d be careful here. If she gets her way with this unreasonable request by crying and acting like she has been somehow wronged (she’s not being punished, she’s being entitled and having a temper tantrum over not getting her way) – anyway I would worry about setting a precedent where she will just cry and act hurt to get her way in disagreements. It’s very manipulative.
“I’m not going to change my mind. Your strange need to go through my mail without permission, to the point of crying about it, is actually concerning. I am willing to go to counseling with you over this, but I will absolutely not be changing my mind. This is a reasonable boundary and if you refuse to respect it, then we can discuss it in therapy or we can split up.”
She’s manipulating you. It might not even be completely on purpose, if she’s used to doing it her whole life. But absolutely not. Like I would REFUSE to even discuss it further outside of therapy. She needs to hear from another, professional, adult that she is being unreasonable and understand that she is not going to be able to manipulate you out of your privacy.
What kind of other emotional immaturity do you see from her? This is sort of bonkers that an adult women can’t delay the satisfaction of knowing what’s in YOUR mail and your packages that she has to open it for you. Then she has the nerve to cry and be dramatic and make reverse the victim? It also seems she has trust issues if she feels she has a right to that information. You’re not even married, yet she thinks she has a right to read letters from a lawyer? Sure, most people would be curious, but she should be letting you open your own mail and ask what it says. The healthy and normal boundary there is that then gives you the right to tell her if you choose.
Was she one of those kids who got presents on her siblings birthday? Does she feel a need to blow out someone else’s candles? Does she open your birthday cards and presents? This just screams immature spoiled child who needs the gratification of opening something that isn’t hers while also feeling entitled to know whatever info in your life she wants without boundaries. Does she feel a need to read all of your texts and email? Does she have the passcode to your phone? If someone messages you on Insta and an alert pops up does she feel entitled to know who and what they said? If she does have your phone passcode I’d bet a dollar she is constantly going through it when you aren’t aware.
Say if you can’t be ok with this request then you need to reconsider this relationship.
You don’t ask
You tell
“Do not open my mail unless I give you permission”
People tap dance around in relationships too much. If she wants to dump you because you won’t let her open your mail…and she thinks that is “controlling” or you have “something to hide” then by Felicia
Because here’s the thing
She can’t explain why it hurts her. Can she?
She can play the “you don’t trust me” card but it’s not about trust. Its respect
This stuff is mine. This stuff is yours. You respect my things and I respect yours.
Mutual respect is the foundation of any relationship
Also…it’s you know, illegal
The reality is, she is insecure. She feels the need to be invasive in your life because she was lied to or manipulated in the past and she is taking that out on you instead of working on the root cause of her insecurities
How long have you been together. Do you live together.
I don’t open my partner of 20 + years post even when I know what it is. They don’t open mine.
You are asking for a reasonable boundary. It is your mail and you are allowed to open your own mail. If she is so concerned about your mail, you can show her after you have opened it yourself.
It seems like it is her past trauma more than your past trauma that is the issue here.