How can I (26F) talk to my boyfriend (33M) of 3 years about liking posts on instagram that involve women in a sexual manner?
For context, we’ve had past discussions about where our boundaries lie in relation to social media and things of a sexual nature. The posts he liked are not obscene but they are definitely sexual in nature and make me uncomfortable. I don’t wish to be unfair so I haven’t brought it up to him yet, but it does bother me and that feeling hasn’t gone away for a few days.
I also feel embarrassed that my family and our friends may also see that he publicly liked these and it’s contributing to the feeling of being disrespected.
Ultimately, I feel disrespected and it crosses a boundary I’ve communicated in the past, but I’m not sure how to express that to him. Any help or insight would be appreciated.
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The valid part of this is that your friends and family might see what he’s doing and that could strain his relationships with them. So maybe focus on that. Don’t make the mistake of imagining that this has anything to do with you not being good enough, hot enough or whatever. Asking him to conduct himself more anonymously online for the sake of his interactions with your social circle seems fair, even if trying to police him and stop him from looking at certain things does not.
I feel like that’s something you should be able to tell him straight up. It’s a very reasonable request.
Clearly state how you feel to him about it, what your expectations are, and that if he does not stop or alter the behavior that you will leave him. He has to make a choice based on how you feel – maybe it is intentional, maybe he doesn’t understand how much it is hurting you, but either way the only way to know for sure is to clearly communicate the boundary and see if he behaves in a healthy way about it. If he does not, I would suggest ending the relationship.
“…and it crosses a boundary I’ve communicated in the past.” You should be able to communicate this openly with him and let him know what I quote you wrote.
The thing is, a boundary is only as strong as you want it to be. So if things aren’t fixed here (at whatever speed you wish), you need to decide for yourself what to do next in this relationship…
I don’t have a problem with porn overall, but I do think that the current practice of liking sexual or sexual related posts in such a discoverable manner to be the cringiest thing ever. So yes, it would seem disrespectful if you’re in a relationship to blat out your sexual preferences to everyone, including your Uncle Bob. But if you’ve communicated a boundary and he’s broken it, your next step is up to you (ie, a boundary is ‘I won’t date someone who does X’ — otherwise you just have a rule and people are free to break rules)
Dude is 33 and doesn’t know better? You sure this guy is for you?
Hey there, OP. It’s tough when something like this happens. I’ve been where you are, sort of. Not exactly the same, but close enough to understand that feeling of unease. And look, it’s not easy talking about stuff like this, is it? But here’s the thing: you deserve to feel comfortable and respected in your relationship. We all do. So, take a deep breath, gather your thoughts, and have an open, calm conversation with him about how you’re feeling. Remember, communication is key in any relationship. And hey, who knows? Maybe he didn’t even realize it was bothering you. Let’s hope for the best, yeah? You got this, OP!