My husband (35m), soon-to-be ex-husband, is a doctor. I (32f) married him 6 years ago. There is a woman (41f) who was a patient at a hospital he use to work. She wasn’t a patient while he worked there, and he was never her doctor.
When he met her, she was suffering from cancer. She’s in remission now. They fell in love while she was sick, and he’s leaving me for her. I feel like I’m not allowed to hate her. Most of my own family isn’t pissed at him. My sister (28f) is the worst as she talks about the situation like such a romantic event.
I’m happy this woman is healthy now. I want her to live a long happy life. I don’t wish ill on her but I hate her. I partially love and partially hate my husband. I feel guilty for hating her. Am I the asshole ?
AITA for hating the other woman my husband fell in love with while she had cancer ?
r/AITAH
Comments
NTA – you get to hate whoever you want, but the “other woman” never promised you that she wouldn’t cheat on you…
Just curious, if she was NOT a patient when he worked there then how did they even meet?
NTA though.
NTA, but try not to hate. It only hurts you. Your sister is certainly insensitive, to talk about it in a positive way to you. She is the main AH here from what you wrote.
If your husband isn’t her doctor how did he get close enough to her to fall? Huge ethical issues here if true
Hate her all you want. I’d be contemplating stuffing her in a crate and mailing her to Chernobyl if I were you.
I’d cut your shallow, stupid sister out, too. NTA.
Although it is sad that she has/had cancer her illness has nothing to do with the fact she chose to have a relationship with a married man. NTA.
fuck that bitch
you are entitled to have feelings, and tell your sister to shut the fuck up
That’s faaawked up. Make him pay financially.
Info: Honestly, whether or not you’re an AH really comes down to one thing; did she know he was married?
If she did, then yeah, hate away. She made her choice, and it was a selfish one. But if she didn’t know, then the blame falls 100% on him. He’s the one who took vows. He’s the one who emotionally bailed on your relationship.
And seriously, if she wasn’t even his patient, why was he around her enough to fall in love? That’s not some fairytale romance like your sister seems to think, that’s shady as hell. You’re not overreacting for being angry, you’re reacting like someone who was betrayed.
It’s okay to hate her if she knew. But the person who wrecked your marriage wasn’t her, it was him. Don’t let anyone, including your sister, romanticize what was essentially an emotional affair during someone else’s cancer treatment. That’s not sweet. That’s messed up.
This is such a conflict of interest that relationship won’t last
NTA, why on earth would you feel guilty for hating someone who was your husband’s affair partner? Just because people go through shit doesn’t mean they have a free pass to be AHs. Your soon to be ex-husband also doesn’t get a free pass to cheat because his affair partner was a person with cancer. That’s stupid. It’s not a fucking Walk to Remember.
Yeah, your soon to be ex-husband is the main person to be pissed at, since he’s the one who took vows, but if she knew he was married, she was still an AH too, even if in the back of her mind, she was like YOLO!
I hope you’ve got a a shark lawyer and you get everything you deserve in the divorce. Don’t go easy on him.
NTA. Have your feelings but get a good pit bull lawyer and do what they say to get a good settlement.
Too many people excuse cheaters. See Chumplady.com for good advice and support from someone who understands that infidelity is abuse.
Why would you feel guilty for hating her? She had cancer, she wasn’t cognitively impaired. She’s enough of an adult to know it’s disgusting to enter a relationship with a married man. They both suck and your sister is an imbecile. Be petty when her turn comes, I beg you.
NTA, I mean, who can blame you? It’s like she knew cancer would be her in. But hey, good riddance.
NTA and I’m so sorry your ex husband put you in this situation.
Nta she had cancer, that doesn’t make her a saint. Shitty people get cancer too.
Cancer touches everyone, even assholes who get with married men.
You lose them how you get them so good luck to her. You get to live your life and find a partner who isn’t a cheater, please believe you won in the end here.
NTA….Take the cancer out of the equation. Your husband is leaving you for someone else. Someone else knew she was getting involved with a married man. Just because she had/has cancer does not make the situation ok.
I cannot believe that your family is ok with this.
Hate her. It’s fully justified.
NTA – People’s actions aren’t forgiven just because something is going on with them. I wish you the best of luck, and I’m sorry such trying times happened.
Cancer doesn’t make cheating romantic. Hate her and your soon to be ex husband as much as you want. You are allowed to feel how you want
But it seems like your soon to be ex husband is not emotional and morally strong enough to separate his emotions from his job. I bet there will be more infidelity in his future.
Get that divorce and cut off anyone who supports him and his cheating ass and start fresh
Being ill, terminally or otherwise, doesn’t excuse shitty behavior. NTA.
NTA. I think hating her is warranted. If I were in your position, I would be saying much worse about the scenario and probably cursing her, no matter what her situation was… so props to you
Your entire family is just fine with your spouse leaving you for another woman? I’m sorry but fuck your family
Funny thing about cancer is that it comes back. She’ll get hers soon enough
As someone who had cancer, but was in the opposite position (my partner cheated on me while I had it). I know you feel like an asshole for hating someone who suffered, but that isn’t why you feel this way. Your feelings of rejection are valid given you were MARRIED to this guy.
You have enough empathy to say you wish her well so have enough empathy and forgiveness towards yourself- these feelings of anger suck but allowing yourself to feel them rather than repress them are necessary in the aspect of healing.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Also try to redirect your anger towards him if that makes you feel less guilty. It’s also on him.
Fuck that bitch. Cancer is no excuse for breaking up a marriage
Cancer does not have to do anything with the fact that your stbx is leaving you for her. Also hating her does not mean wanting her cancer to end up killing her.
So NTA. You’re entitled to that feeling.
He will do the same thing to her one day.
Hate her. That’s fucking awful. You are entitled to hate someone who stole your husband. Your family sucks too
Channel this energy into finding the most competent divorce lawyer, to get you the best divorce settlement imaginable.
This would mean alimony for years – lots of it.
NTA
NTA no you can hate her.
Her being a cancer patient has nothing to do with the fact that she’s a shitty person. Might even be karma lol
You can despise both of them.
NTA – using the cancer card to excuse the face that she’s a home wrecker. Cancer does not excuse her or your husband’s behavior. Remember this when your sister gets cheated on
NTA… any woman willing to go after a married man… that wife has right to hate her. Same for the other side. Any man willing to go after a married woman the husband has a right to hate him.
NTA. Your feelings are valid. Her having cancer is irrelevant to her and your husband being home wreckers.
i wouldnt wish her a long and happy life. that is way beyond me.
NTA
But NTA. And you should tell your entire family that you will be sure to call any betrayals romantic. Your husband had serious ethicsl issued
Fck that and her!
I dont care if she was ill or not… she’s a homewrecking hag.
NTA
Was she actually sick?
My husband’s ho told him she had a terminal lung disease with only 6/7 years left and wanted to spend them with him.
Wtf lol. How was she gonna explain when she was never sick… remission?
You can hate her and still hate cancer. Both she and cancer totally suck.
You’re being too nice. I’d want that bitch to have gone back in time and died and take the hoe of a husband with her. You don’t need to feel any empathy or understanding for either of them.
They can fuck right off. One day the anger you feel will turn to indifference as you heal but in no way shape or form are you in the wrong for hating them
Updateme
NTA, she chose to be in a relationship with a married man. And your family is wrong for the way they’re acting.
I do think therapy would be good for you, but that is just so that you can heal from this betrayal. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry they did that to you.
I mean the other woman can’t complain when he eventually cheats on her
Cancer is not a free pas for being a fu…g bitch. NTA
Fuck her. Cancer or not.
You’re absolutely allowed to feel betrayed and unhappy about this.
NTA. As a first wife whose former husband is now on his third wife, I feel it’s completely natural to dislike the woman who now is intimate with the man you love.
Well, on the plus side, cancers almost always re-presents itself. 🙄
Experience, don’t judge is good life advice. Your feelings are valid, even if unhealthy if you let them control you or dominate your thoughts, but questioning your feeling is a fast path to a mental health issue. NAH here just a generally messy situation.
NTA I hate that bitch for you. Take his ass to the cleaners if you can.
NTA. This is like when bad ppl die and suddenly they were a great person and a victim. She knew she was getting with a married dude. But trust me, it likely won’t last long.
Being sick doesn’t make you a good person, don’t mistake pity for forgiveness.
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Having cancer does not excuse you for being a shitty person. Actions have consequences, cancer or not.
NTA, she was vile. Having cancer doesn’t mean you aren’t responsible for your choices.
NTA. I hate every person my ex husband cheated on me with. Every fucking one of them knew he was married and they didn’t care. You’re absolutely allowed hate her. Wallow in your hatred, just don’t stay there.
Well she is marrying a cheater so only a matter of time till she is you. So hate away. Though enjoy it as a hobby and don’t let it take over your life. Your sister is an uncaring idiot.
You can absolutely hate her. Having cancer just means she is a ho who happens to have cancer. She is still just a ho.
Get that bag girl.
No you are not that woman is still the homewrecker
NTA and your family is addled brained scum, sorry about that. also, he absolutey did meet him at work and he did know her as a doctor.
Girl listen. No one here can say they wouldn’t hate the bitch our husband leaves us for. Her health isn’t your problem. You can feel how ever you want. Fuck her and your husband too.. she wasn’t sick enough to fall in love or steal your husband. Fuck her.
NTA Shes a homewrecker who just so happens to have had cancer. She wasn’t mentally debilitated nor was she somehow manipulated or groomed by your husband (the number 1 homewrecker) to take part in this. She was a grown woman with two choices and she chose the wrong one. You have every right in the world to be angry. But generally I would say don’t waste your energy hating someone who is already a vile soul. Hate is a strong emotion because it comes from deep within our hearts and minds. She doesn’t deserve place in your heart or mind or your life. It’s healthy for now but not forever. I don’t wish ill upon the couple but God knows I don’t wish them well either. Your sister is weird as well don’t talk to her about this topic
NTA, there’s nothing romantic about this situation, but don’t let these people live rent free in your mind. So sorry this happened to you, and I hope you find closure soon!
Having cancer doesn’t mean you’re not a shitty person… she is a shitty person its the same with dead people. My ex husband died 3 months ago , I commented I wanted to go dance on his grave he was abusive , a liar, a cheat and a gas lighter him being dead at 56 doesn’t change any of that you’re perfectly entitled to feel that way about her cancer or not.
Yes you can hate her and f your family
and friends for not supporting you. They don’t have to hate her but they don’t need to talk about their relationship like it’s a fairy tale that’s absolutely insane. That’s like thinking Charles and Camilla’s romance was romantic. It’s disgusting. I wish you luck in your new life and I hope both of them have misery until the end of their days.
I fail to see how any of this is romantic, something is wrong with your family. They need to detox from the Grey’s anatomy because he cheated plain and simple. She is just as slimy for getting with a married man. I got the ‘ick’ from just reading this.
Go forward and live a wonderful, fantastic, fulfilling life.
Well done for moving away. It must be hard for you atm. Fuck em all. Ill date you
The way you get him is the way you lose him.
NTA
No you are mature because most of us females would have lost it! I’m glad you are such a great person but please get therapy for yourself so you can move past this.
I am sorry you are hurting and feel like you’re not allowed to be hurt. You are absolutely justified in hating her, she tore apart your marriage and her having cancer has nothing to do with this situation. You are very clearly an empath but you owe it to yourself to show empathy to you and your feelings in this time. I wish you good luck and healing, I was cheated on recently and time heals all wounds.
NTA. Unless she was somehow fully unaware that your husband was married (doubtful) she is also part of this issue.
Agree with everybody that said fuck him, matter of fact fuck her, she knew he was a married man, cancer or not she was a realmpos
NTA. just because someone is sick does not give them the right to be a prick to other people.
The only caveat to that statement is a mental health patient that loses impulse control (dementia, turret’s, Alzheimer’s) because they LITERALLY don’t know what they are doing or 100% cannot control it.
Having a terrible disease doesn’t give you license to be a terrible human. Fuck her. Feel free to hate her (and your ex) as much as you want to.
NTA, and I’m sorry you are going through this.
Cancer is not an excuse to be a horrible person. NTA.
Fuck that bitch. Cancer doesn’t make her off the hook for fucking your husband. Be mad. You have a right to be angry.
Having cancer does not excuse shit behavior.
I understand why you hate her but why do you only partially hate your husband? He was a willing participant and likely was the one who pursued her. Even if he wasn’t her doctor, he is still a doctor at that hospital where she was a patient. There’s a power imbalance that could have had serious repercussions on his career. Can we please stop placing all the blame on the woman? Your husband wrecked your home the moment he let another woman inside it
You entitled to have those feelings, but I feel that they’re misplaced. Your husband was the one that had the commitment to you, and he broke that. Shove all that rage and hate towards him because he deserves it.
NTA
So you still love a cheater and scum but you hate the other woman when she’s only the other woman bc he allowed her to be? This is stupid.
You can wipe your tears with the money you take from him in the divorce. Screw both of them.
She a home wrecker. Fuck that bitch
Nah fuck her she stole your husband you are much nicer than me I would wish nothing but the worst for her. You have every right to be angry. Having cancer doesn’t automatically mean everything you do is forgiven.
I still think it’s sketchy he started a relationship with a patient from the hospital. He had to have met her in some professional capacity as there aren’t meet and greets going on. I’ve had plenty of family in the hospital and many doctors walk in with other doctors to see patients I’m sorry but that’s still in their professional role.
At the risk of sounding awful, what will last longer… her remission or the relationship? NTA
Report him
NTA, it seems like a creepy power dynamic if your husband saved her life. If you want to complain about it without sounding bitter act concerned for her. Say you’re disgusted, your husband preyed upon a vulnerable and sick woman.
NTA. You’re allowed to hate the skank.
NTA I would be worse then you in such a situation. I’d probably hope cancer takes her. You’re much kinder then me.
NTA; girl, cancer doesn’t make someone special hate her and don’t even make a relationship with either of them, and if your family tell you “you bitter” or something then cut them off, your peace don’t have price
NTA, hate away! I only hope you have hate enough to despise your stbx too!
Don’t feel guilty for hating her. Her (previous) health issues do not in any way negate you and your hurt. I am on SSDI due to my health. It does not excuse my behaviour, nor mean that others cannot love/hate me. NTA.
NTA. You sound completely normal.
Nta. Repeat these words: I’m glad the adulteress isn’t dying, and I hope that both of the adulterers get exactly what they deserve.
Keep a ‘have the day you deserve’ mentality. If someone, including people with low ethics who survived cancer, deserves a good day, may they have that. If someone, including someone who uses their illness as an attempt to make their crappy morality acceptable, deserves to have an absolutely horrible day, may they have it.
Your feelings are justified. You have been wronged. Her illness and her actions are two completely different things, and her actions are a spiritual cancer that she did not beat
NTA, you have the right to hate your husband first and the woman second. Your husband is the one that chose to step out of the relationship and he will again. Go on a vacation by yourself to work on you and take a moment to scream in the car or on a mountain top about this f-cked up situation. Since your family supports this AH just end the conversation or spend less time with your family. Maybe one day they will all wake up to reality.
You are not an asshole – your feelings are reasonable. Your sister sucks. Find another story to romanticize, not the one hurting you.
Good on you separating your anger/hate for the person on the other side from overall caring for another human. Most people cannot do that.
Don’t feel bad. They ruined your marriage. Hate them, hate them both. You’ll need to forgive them eventually but you don’t have to like them.
your family is awful, I’m so sorry that happened.
NTA
But instead of her, hate your husband. He cheated, she didn’t.
The whole bit about your family’s reaction makes me doubt this story.
This seems very fake. Your account is super new, this your only post and comment history. (Unless it’s a throw away) Not only that but the fact that your family is happy for him is also odd??? Who in their right mind would be happy that their family member got cheated on regardless of the situation. People dont magically develop feelings. They had to have been talking or meeting up. Cancer or no cancer it doesn’t give someone a free pass at someone else’s husband? You don’t beat cancer and take someone else’s husband as a reward. But if it’s real well ur obviously NTA.
You’re absolutely allowed hate her. And someone should remind her adultery is a poor idea when you’re having visions of meeting your maker
Don’t refrain from hating her because she had cancer but because it might not be a healthy space for you and she is ridding you of someone who clearly had one foot out the door.
Just because she was a sick bitch doesn’t give her the pass to be the other woman. Morals girl, MORALS. Istg people who are cheaters and the other person is gross
NTA. Assholes get cancer too. But really, the one you should be angriest at is you husband. The affair partner is terrible for getting involved with a married man, but your husband is the one who betrayed you and broke his vows. Focus your anger on him so it’s easier for you to move on. He doesn’t deserve your love.
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1 Your sister is immature and dumb AF. Fuck her.
2 Your family doesn’t hate him…okay as long as they aren’t singing his praises like he’s doing the lord’s work, like your dumbass sister.
3 FTB and her cancer (bc cancer sucks ass). Her health doesn’t change the fact that she was involved with your husband.
NTA. Feel bad for what!? You are the one who has been wronged. Take everything he owns! Since he’s leaving for love, the money and property shouldn’t matter to him anyway.
NTA, cut your sister off. The fact that she’s romanticizing this displays that she has no regard for how you’re affected by this situation.
That, and how the heck is this romantic??
Don’t blame you, and don’t feel guilty cuz she’s a home wrecker. But hate your ex too, he was the one that was married.
Your sister should stfu
Your husband is an asshole, leave him
He broke your trust and loyalty
He doesn’t deserve anymore time of yours
That lady is equally an asshole, for mingling with a married man and hurting you
NTA
Why should you feel bad to hate her because she had cancer?
Take a step back and just analyze the basic thing..he cheated on you w her. She knew about you and still was w him.
Fuck them both.
Idgaf who has what…the fact is he cheated and she reciprocated.
They deserve each other.
Hate on.
NTA
Having a disease as bad as it is, it DOES NOT grant Sainthood.
She was still a horrible person who agreed to continue seeing a married man. He also is a horrible person because he is a cheater. And just because THEY feel ‘in love’ doesnt not erase the hurt and pain they cause.
NTA. Hate or dislike her as much as you need to. Your sister sucks big time. Your husband is a pos. All the best to you and f**k them.
Sis would be right about it being romantic if he weren’t MARRIED ALREADY. Her having cancer doesnt make her less of a homewrecker or him less of a cheat. It’s still a disgusting betrayal on his part if nothing else.
Nah fuck that. You can hate her. Cancer or not, she ruined your marriage. Yes your husband sucks for leaving you too, but if she knew he was married and she still pursued him she’s just as guilty. She fucked a married man, cancer or no cancer, she’s a fucking bitch
Shes still a heartless bitch for having an affair with a married man, there’s fuck all romantic about it. Pair of pricks
NTA. Having cancer does not absolve assholery.
That’s rough, and don’t think for a moment you’re a bad person for not liking her. Think of this as an opportunity you can do so much better and you’re free to explore life and its possibilities. I wish you the best.
As someone who went through cancer, I give you permission to hate her. Being sick is no excuse.
They are both AH! You are NTA. Having cancer doesn’t excuse either of their behavior.
Karma is a b!tch. Don’t take him back if something were to happen to the AP.
OP, that once upon a time cancer having bitch is the Asshole 100%. Hate her all you want and celebrate when you hear the cancer has returned. Karma’s a bitch.
Maybeeee I went too far.
I feel like that’s worse that you have cancer and still went after a married man….either way, it doesn’t matter if she was his patient or not, it’s actually against policy to have a relationship with A patient, not just YOUR patient in a hospital. I would report it, get your ducks in a row for the divorce, and tell your sister to can it unless she wants undue karma on her for ragging on you for something you didn’t do….if he “fell in love” with her, who else did he not fall in love with and lusted after before her? How is she different?
So having cancer gives you the right to ruin a marriage. Cool. I could’ve ruined 4 whole marriages by now!
If she did this without having cancer your family would be mad. People give people with cancer get away with murder cards and its honestly insane. Fuck her – she is still a pos for having an affair with a married man. It is not ok.
although it sucks to hear she had/has cancer, it doesn’t excuse the fact she still went after a married man, NTA love sending positive energy your way in this trying time
Having an illness doesn’t mean you get Carte Blanche to do shitty things! The 2 aren’t mutually exclusive!!
She has had a part in breaking your marriage (STBX shoulders the majority of blame though).. so you are entitled to feel a certain type of way!
Your sis needs to give her head a wobble… NTA.
Sounds like a homewrecker. NTA
NTA
Your reaction is normal. Your sister is gross. Even if she thinks this, she should keep it to herself. I hope there is someone in your life who has your back. Best of luck to you moving forward.
It completely makes sense that you hate someone who helped in hurting you. It doesnt matter if she had cancer or not.
With that being said, it doesnt make sense for you to hate her and not your husband. Hes the one who broke the promise he made in marrying you. You are better off without someone who thinks cheating is the way to go.
I hope you get to a point where you dont carry this hate for either of them anymore. My heart goes out to you.
NTA. And since when does cancer excuse you from being a bad person? Sick or not, she chose to be a homewrecker.
She knowingly pursued a romantic relationship with your husband while he was still married and he reciprocated. Of course you’re allowed to be angry. I’ve had several family members battle cancer, so I understand how brutal it is. But none of them would have ever considered getting involved with someone else’s spouse during that time. It simply wasn’t on their radar; their only focus was surviving.
It honestly sounds like your husband inserted himself into her life to play the rescuer, and the two of them crossed major boundaries. Cancer doesn’t erase accountability. There was intent and deceit on both sides, and somehow your pain has been completely overlooked. You don’t get to excuse an affair with “but she was sick.” No, an affair is still an affair, and your feelings are valid. Also, start telling others, such as your sister, that the conversations about your ex to you has officially ended as you are the one dealing with the after math of an affair that everyone seems to be overlooking!
Hate might be strong but it’s normal to dislike the person who destroyed your life and stole your husband. You’re not the AH. Who wouldn’t feel the way you do in the situation you’re in. I’m so sorry for you.
What? Why would you be the AH for hating the person that knowingly pursued a relationship with your husband and encouraged him to break his marital oath. You are well within your rights to hope the cancer comes back and that your ex has to bury her. People like this deserve everything they have coming to them
Gosh huge NTA.
NTA but kinda yta because you’re admitting you hate her more than your husband. She didn’t betray you and forsake any vows she made to you. You should really hate your husband more than her.
Your husband and his mistress are the asses. Your family especially your sister are close seconds. I hope you take your husband for everything he owns.
Is your sister married/have a boyfriend?, if she does I doubt she’d find it so romantic if it happened to her.
NTA. Cancer or not she is a home wrecker and your husband is a cheat. You are allowed to be mad. Cancer isn’t a free pass to be a bad person.
I wonder if your soon to be ex is in love with her, as a healthy vibrant woman or as a person who has had a deep personal relationship with the healthcare industry? This sounds like a trauma bond. It seems like maybe he’s visualizing himself as her personal savior, an extension of his healthcare provider identity. How much time do they spend discussing her cancer care trajectory? It’s okay to be angry that your life has been turned upside down. But I wouldn’t feel too much resentment for them. I suspect I would be more inclined to feel pity. Because I don’t think what they are experiencing is necessarily love.
I’m sick of these stories about people who seem to think that having cancer (or something similar) excuses cheating, or other bad behavior.
I am a cancer survivor myself, and somehow I managed to get through that part of my life without being tempted to cheat on my (extremely loving, supportive) wife. Had I done that, I wouldn’t expect her or anyone else to give me a pass.
NTA.
NTA and for sure the woman as well is a POS
but I’d be a little more lenient towards her: she was in a very vulnerable position, the husband was not.!
Naah no way this is totally a bait. Like there’s no way someone asking “aMiThEaSShoLE?!!?” in a situation like this it’s clear as day you’re not the AH! If this story was true, your husband, your family, your sister, that woman, everyone’s AH. Since when cheating bastards can get away with this?
I experienced a similar situation, except that my partner didn’t leave me, he broke up with her. Well, even if she survived, good for her, but I HATE her. It’s unfair because my partner is as much, if not more, responsible than her, but really, I HATE her. And it’s normal, you have the right to feel the pain of having been deceived, betrayed, left. I send you all my support, and my friendship.
NTA. Cheating is cheating and just goes to show even sick people are sick in the head as well as their mortal bodies. Take him for what you can and tell your sister that you expect some loyalty. Cheaters are liars and not nice people. Cancer or not, she’s a sick individual
Having cancer doesn’t give someone the right to cheat with a married man, and it’s not a get-out-of-jail-free card. What both of them did was wrong. Your family should be more supportive of you. Start telling them that.