I have a slightly older half sister who is a single mother of three boys. Two of which have special needs with varying difficulties, and the last one is still just two. She struggled financially and emotionally with the birth of each child and did consider terminating the last one, but was convinced by some family members not to (she also felt she would have regretted that decision). I understand that it is a struggle for her and try to be there for her. When she had to give birth the last two times, I babysat. I have taken days off work to babysit when she is in a pinch, and since I work from home, I have also stayed over at her place while I work to keep her company.
My sister’s struggle with mental health also makes her a hypochondriac. About two years ago, she went to the emergency room and was given an array of tests to check for any abnormalities in her heart and lungs. She was given the all clear. The following year, she had a clogged breast duct, and she was told by multiple professionals that it was likely from breastfeeding, but someone told her that it could be a symptom of breast cancer. She did all the tests and the biopsy. She was cleared. She found something else strange on her breast and went in for another mammogram. She was cleared again and told by the doctor that if she continues to get exposed to X-rays, she could end up giving herself cancer. The last week or so, she complained that she was constipated, then she said she had a white discharge in her poop and said a nurse told her it could be intestinal. She went to the doctor and is now scheduled to see a specialist. She is now afraid of Colon Cancer. Through all of this, we have tried to explain to her that the likelihood of it being anything is low; bodies do weird stuff, but because she brought up her concern, her doctor has to do due diligence and do all the tests. She spends these days and weeks between tests in a depressed stupor, and she often calls for consolation. Last night she called because she said she had stomach pains and diarrhea. It was 9 PM, and I have a child at home that I would have to drag out of bed and then somehow figure out how to get to school the next morning. I also feel strongly that it is a mental issue, not physical again. I could not justify it to myself. I did ask her if she wanted to come over the next day. She called today asking if I could pick up her boys today so she could go to the emergency room. I again told her no. My day does not stop until 9 p.m. I just don’t have it in me to add caring for 3 little boys, two of whom may not sleep through the night. I told her I think it’s her anxiety, she responded, “You would leave me with these children while I’m having a mental breakdown?”. At this point, I would. I have my own struggles, and I feel really bad and want to help, but I can’t continue to run to her aid at the expense of my own mental health. I know this feels real for her, but I can’t rearrange my life right now to help.
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I have a slightly older half sister who is a single mother of three boys. Two of which have special needs with varying difficulties, and the last one is still just two. She struggled financially and emotionally with the birth of each child and did consider terminating the last one, but was convinced by some family members not to (she also felt she would have regretted that decision). I understand that it is a struggle for her and try to be there for her. When she had to give birth the last two times, I babysat. I have taken days off work to babysit when she is in a pinch, and since I work from home, I have also stayed over at her place while I work to keep her company.
My sister’s struggle with mental health also makes her a hypochondriac. About two years ago, she went to the emergency room and was given an array of tests to check for any abnormalities in her heart and lungs. She was given the all clear. The following year, she had a clogged breast duct, and she was told by multiple professionals that it was likely from breastfeeding, but someone told her that it could be a symptom of breast cancer. She did all the tests and the biopsy. She was cleared. She found something else strange on her breast and went in for another mammogram. She was cleared again and told by the doctor that if she continues to get exposed to X-rays, she could end up giving herself cancer. The last week or so, she complained that she was constipated, then she said she had a white discharge in her poop and said a nurse told her it could be intestinal. She went to the doctor and is now scheduled to see a specialist. She is now afraid of Colon Cancer. Through all of this, we have tried to explain to her that the likelihood of it being anything is low; bodies do weird stuff, but because she brought up her concern, her doctor has to do due diligence and do all the tests. She spends these days and weeks between tests in a depressed stupor, and she often calls for consolation. Last night she called because she said she had stomach pains and diarrhea. It was 9 PM, and I have a child at home that I would have to drag out of bed and then somehow figure out how to get to school the next morning. I also feel strongly that it is a mental issue, not physical again. I could not justify it to myself. I did ask her if she wanted to come over the next day. She called today asking if I could pick up her boys today so she could go to the emergency room. I again told her no. My day does not stop until 9 p.m. I just don’t have it in me to add caring for 3 little boys, two of whom may not sleep through the night. I told her I think it’s her anxiety, she responded, “You would leave me with these children while I’m having a mental breakdown?”. At this point, I would. I have my own struggles, and I feel really bad and want to help, but I can’t continue to run to her aid at the expense of my own mental health. I know this feels real for her, but I can’t rearrange my life right now to help.
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> I know she needs help, and siblings help each other, but I refused to help her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Um, I’m assuming that with 3 children, she has at least 1 but up to 3 baby daddies that should be stepping up and taking these children when she is incapable of watching them. Where is he or they? Also, those family members that convinced her to keep a child that she shouldn’t have had, they need to step up as well. Every adult person who had decision making power in this situation is above you on the call tree. Remind her of that. NTA
NTA.
It seems as if your sister needs therapy more than anything else. While it’s a terrible situation for your niblings, your sister is just not your responsibility. Support her by encouraging her to seek mental health care.
NTA. It sounds like she’s really struggling, but that doesn’t mean that it’s on you to pick up the slack when she’s not able to do things. From what it sounds like, you’re trying your best to help her, but you do have your own responsibilities to manage and consider and that she needs more support and assistance than what you can provide/offer. You won’t always be able to drop things or rearrange your schedule and the things going on in your life to help her. It’s a lot to expect of someone and that’s a lot of pressure on you. I hope she’s able to find more supports to lean on, although I know it might not be easy for her to try to plan that out while she’s having mental issues.
No. If you can’t do it, you can’t do it. It’s not an easy job.
There’s a limit to how much support you can give to support other people in their never-ending struggles and consequences of the decisions they make. Your first duty is to yourself and your own children. She needs to start looking into other avenues of help. I hope she does, because it sounds like she needs more than you or any one person can give.
Good luck to you.
NTA, that is a tough position because her kids are probably suffering from her behavior. That being said if you continue to bail her out she will continue to expect it, so setting the expectation here forward and staying firm seems like the best course of action. She must have between 1-3 baby daddies – none of which are you, therefore her entitlement to your time and childcare is misplaced.
Good luck, OP.
Is there any kind of government assistance she could ask for?
NTA where are the children’s father(s)? What about grandparents? It sounds like those babies might not be safe with her. I know it’s a nuclear option but it might be time to get CPS involved
If she is having a mental breakdown, the Care Crisis Line has people who can help. She can call them–you can find the number online.
You’re NTA. It’s very hard to be a Caregiver, especially when the person you’re caring for is physically healthy but has mental health needs. A counselor can help her deal with her stress, anxiety, and depression.
You might find some support from a counselor, as well. Setting boundaries is really hard, especially with manipulative family members. Good luck
NTA. The relatives who encouraged her to have #3 should watch the kids. Has your sister had gallbladder problems? Tell her to lay completely off fatty foods and alcohol until she can get medical care.
NTA
You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Your sister is either suffering or putting it on, neither of which is your responsibility to take on. Be very wary of a post like this on Reddit, you will get lots of replies telling you that you are to blame if something happens: your aren’t, your sister should be taking cae of herself or seeking appropriate help if she can’t do it alone.
NTA; you cannot keep caring for her at the expense of your own mental health and your family’s well being. Also where are the people who convinced her to have that 3rd child. Can they step up and be the village she so clearly needs? You’re NTA. Don’t be guilt tripped into thinking you are.
She sounds like an externalizer. Someone who expects everyone around her to soothe and solve her problems for her. The only thing you can do to help is to say no.
NTA. The quicker you let her deal with her choices, the faster she will likely get government help initiated of some sort. Whether it is a caseworker, CPS, etc.
And hard agree on family members that were all about encouraging pregnancy. They can help out and put their money where their mouths are.
she needs to get checked for PPD and PPA. it can last for YEARS if untreated.