Feeling absolutely devastated and crushed. My Fiancé and I started dating long distance almost 2 years ago. We were absolutely enamoured with each other and knew early on we wanted to start a life together. We really bonded over our shared goals for the future and have talked endlessly about starting a family. It was all SO PERFECT. Like God answered all my prayers for what I wanted in a man.
We had one hiccup pre-engagement where I found out he had been platonically talking to his ex (whom he broke up with 2 months before we met) behind my back (we set a boundary of them being no contact.) He also flirted with some girls and got their numbers while on a 4th of July trip with his buddies. It broke me but I made the decision to forgive him and he did LOTS of work to repair the trust that was broken. He had been such a rock to me and showed me through his actions how serious he was about me.
In February 2025, he proposed to me with the help of my mom and it was so beautiful. I packed up my life in Canada and moved to the States to be with him. He’s established in his career here and I’m finishing up online classes still. We immediately jumped into husband/wife roles (he’s the provider and I do all the homemaking while taking my classes) and things were BLISSFUL for the first couple months. But then things went downhill very quickly.
I fell into deep codependency being isolated from any community. I revolved everything around him. I have abandonment issues and previous trauma with people’s exes. I developed an obsession with his ex after the hiccup (stalking her social media, comparing myself to her) along with a toxic habit of snooping through his things while he was at work. I would always tell him and in the beginning he was understanding given the breach of trust. He was open with me and I never found anything bad that was new. Until one day I turned on an old phone of his and because it hadn’t updated to iCloud I saw photos and videos from his past relationship that destroyed me. Sex tapes, nudes…. you name it. I also went through his journals and he went through mine, both of us finding unfiltered thoughts about the other and our pasts. This left a deep imprint. I started having breakdowns which revealed our anxious / avoidant cycle we would then become stuck in. I would cry and wail and he would shut down. Both feeling so unsafe and triggered but desperately trying to show up for the other. We TRIED SO HARD. He really pushed himself to try and be there for me and I tired to find more peace within myself but over time he started getting resentful and stated not to trust me. Emotional stability is really important to him and I became a wreck. We would argue. The peace was gone. He developed stomach issues and horrible eczema. I felt like a shell of a person.
We were going to therapy and trying to work through things and although I’m describing the bad of the relationship, there was still a lot of good. We have this beautiful house together, a flourishing garden, started going to church, have been going camping, hiking and trying to do all of the activities we enjoy. We agreed that the dynamic we fell into wasn’t sustainable for the future we want but decided to give it until our next anniversary to see if we can make progress. He assured me he wouldnt give up without a true fight and the test of time. We have invested EVERYTHING into eachother.
Well last week he broke up with me. We were about to take in a friends dog who needed to be rehomed when he suddenly called the adoption off and broke up with me at the same time. He didn’t think it was smart to bring a pet into the state of our relationship. He said that he loves me so deeply and he doesn’t think he can be the man that I Need. (I have PMDD and it has taken quite the toll on the relationship, he really struggles with supporting me how I need because it doesn’t come natural to him). He said he is trying to do the kind thing by not dragging me along when he is not sure if the resentment he feels toward me will go away. He said I have shown him so many things about himself that he needs to contemplate and work on which he can’t do within the context of the relationship now. A few days later he broke down and expressed that he feels like a failure, that he’s not good enough, that the life he promised me he doesn’t think he can provide. He is so incredibly stressed about finances and the future. It broke my heart to see him in this state. He was feeling so much stress and I made everything about myself and my distress the past 5 months.
I won’t be able to move out for some time. I am completely financially dependant on him and spent all my savings moving out here. All of my family is on the other side of Canada and I have no community here. Church is the only thing that has been getting me through it. We held eachother as we cried the first few days but have started sleeping in separate rooms. It’s all so confusing. I initiated conversations around the possibility of getting back together in the future. He is very all or nothing and admitted that he wasn’t 100% on his decision but “a decision is better than indecision”. He said he needs to evaluate if he is even meant to be married and if he can sacrifice the things he needs to for the life he wants. We’re kind of in this grey place now of knowing we need to let go of eachother but both wondering if we can reconcile in the future. We know we can’t make decisions based on the possibility of getting back together but feel we have invested so much into eachother and have a lot of positive parts to our relationship as well that we don’t want to just throw away.
I’m going back to Canada for a few weeks so we can have space. I’m trying to accept the reality that he is NOT choosing me and letting the life we dreamt up together die but I can’t help but feeling that he is making a huge mistake.
How do I move forward?
Comments
He’s not makinga mistake. You sound like you have some pretty serious mental health issues, and you arent ready to be in a committed relationship until you can figure your stuff out.
Get therapy, get stability, and get your shit together.
When you go to Canada, plan to move there. Take everything you can and accept this is the end. You then need to start some real intensive therapy because everything you’ve described about yourself says you are not in a place to build a healthy relationship
Some advice from a fellow Christian woman—
Doing the husband-wife thing before you are actually married can be extremely taxing on a relationship, especially if what you want is a biblical marriage which it sounds like you do. I think that is something to consider whether in the context of this relationship or in the future. It adds so much pressure on a relationship that doesn’t have the backbone of a religious and legal partnership.
I don’t say this in judgement at all, just something I have observed in my life and in others.
I’m not sure how this relationship will end up but moving back home seems like the best idea regardless. If you do end up working on things, you will have the support of your family and a distance to communicate with each other without the pressures of living together premaritally. And if you don’t work things out, well you will already be home.
He’s not making a mistake, you’re ruining him. Once in Canada, stay there! Leave him alone
The foundation was shaky. He talked to his ex and flirt with girls. Then you start being insecure which was fair.
Personally i don’t think it’s repairable at this stage and at this moment. Both of you need to live apart and meet other people, if meeting other people doesn’t work out for both of you then you know you are meant for each other.
Even if you’re pushing to save the relationship, sounds like he’s exhausted already.
The part when he said he cant provide the life you want. Im not sure what’s the financial situation but if he’s the only one working and you want things like bigger house or traveling together somewhere then it will put so much pressure on him if you’re not contributing.
He is desperately trying to say it without saying it.
When you go back to canada…stay there. Becsuse he is trying to end it for good. He is just being too nice about it.