I am (27f) and I have been married to my husband (28m) from past 3 years, we grew up together and even went to the same school and college, we started dating when we turn 15.
My husband and I moved temporarily in my parents home, my mom is extremely sick so she asked me to stay with her for a month or two so I started living with her, my sister (24f) lives with my parents and she’s being a pain in my butt as well along with their neighbour.
This neighbour is very close to my parents and visits everyday and spends time with my mom and sister which i am grateful of but I don’t appreciate how she’s butting in my relationship.
My husband is a bit rude or appears as one, he doesn’t like people and minds his own business, he’s kinda angry all the time but doesn’t show it, he doesn’t like talking about it with others except me, he’s the type of guy that if a family member needed his help he’ll be the first one to show up.
My husband is quite all the time and only talks to strangers if they initiate the conversation otherwise he’ll focus on his work, he’s a workaholic, but the ‘neighbour’ keeps trying to talk to him, at first she would just initiate small talks which my husband hates but tolerated, but then she tried to convince him to go to therapy and said that her cousin is a therapist.
My husband refused but she kept bringing it up everyday and tried to convince him, after a few days when he had enough, he told her that he appreciates her concern but she should stay out of his life as it’s none of her concern.
My husband told me that he’s tired of this and he’s only staying with us because I and his mil asked him and he doesn’t want his mil to get involved so either I stop this or he’ll go back home.
So I told her to stop asking or convincing my husband into therapy or whatever, and she said that she’s just trying to help me and my husband, maybe my husband needs help cause the way he’s acting is like an abuser and asked me if I am okay.
Even my sister joined her and said that my husband’s behaviour is ‘concerning’ and maybe I should do something about it, I got a bit angry after hearing them and told them that they should stay out of our lives otherwise we will leave right away and go back to our home.
My husband and my stance is that we are here to cheer my mother up which is why we aren’t involving her into this but if they don’t stop we will leave, both of them said that they’ll stop interfering in my marriage and I was rude to them when they just wanted to help me.
Am i the asshole? I get they were trying to help me but who would get this pushy? I don’t even know her properly. forgive me for a long post and for my English.
Comments
Well I mean if your husband is unhappy, has anger issues, and just seems like an overall grouchy person, I think he could benefit from therapy 🤷🏻♀️
No one is necessarily an asshole, but your husband has some rude behaviors that could be worked out, or the therapist could help him focus on his wellbeing during this transitional time.
Just give them the claw, then bounce. Easy peezy
Hey OP- tell them you appreciate their concern but (only if this is true) we’re ok, and this is just his personality. If you’re ok with him acting this way and he’s ok with it fine.
Although an adult human being should be able to hold a conversation with others, so perhaps hubby does have some issues to work on.
NTA all around on this one
The problem here is that you married an anti-social weirdo. If complete strangers recognize that he needs therapy, that’s a major problem. The reason you haven’t already moved out is that you know they’re correct.
He’s rude, angry all the time, and hates people? He must be doing a bang-up job cheering up mom, eh? This post must be a joke, right?
I mean, it does sound like he needs therapy. Maybe consider it!
YTA. He sounds like he could benefit from therapy.
NTA. It’s one thing to express concern once, but repeatedly pushing therapy and implying abuse without reason is crossing a line. You know your husband best, and he’s clearly shown he’s willing to be there for your family despite his discomfort. Setting firm boundaries was the right move, you’re there to support your mom, not manage unnecessary drama. They need to respect your relationship and your wishes.
Ask if her cousin has suggestions for dealing with chronic buttinskis. NTA
If you and your husband are happy, the story is over. If they cannot honor this reasonable request you made it’s time to go. NTA.
I will add that if you guys are there to “ cheer up your mother”, he doesn’t sound the type.
NTA. Your husband is an introvert. People say the same about me because I am not a people person. I have panic attacks at parties, especially if it’s overcrowded and loud. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be left alone. Not everyone wants to be a social butterfly.
NTA. The neighbor’s meddling kinda reminds me of those nosy aunties who always wanna play matchmaker. They gotta respect boundaries
Hubby is probably happier in his own home.
The neighbour and sister can mention therapy all they want, it’s not like he will go “omg lol you’re totally right I’m gonna go to therapy” people are just too busy sticking their nose into others business. Tell your sister to invest in her own love life/marriage or does she need therapy cause she’s all alone? Neighbour as well.
Not the asshole. It sounds like he could benefit from therapy but that’s no one’s business but yours and his
If your husband is angry all the time and generally rude to anyone who isn’t you, he needs anger management for starters.
Your sister and neighbor are the abusive ones. They are harassing/bullying him for being different. Some people are just really introverted and don’t desire to be around a lot of people, it’s draining. I’m the same way. I’d probably act angry around your sister and neighbor too. I’ve been “reprimanded” before for getting upset with people harassing me over my introversion.
Also, the neighbor’s cousin is a therapist and pushing him there? Sounds like she simply wants an inner gossip scoop on you and your husband.
I’ve been called an arrogant asshole before for declining every opportunity to stop what I was doing to chat about the latest rumors and other gossip in the area.
Your neighbor may be a busybody or whatever you want to say about her, but your husband needs therapy, that’s true, he is exhibiting behaviors worthy of a disorder like BPD (Obviously this is a hasty conclusion based on similarities that may well be more “normal”).
But yes, you were completely rude to your neighbor, no one is forcing you to accept help (although you do seem to need it) but I don’t understand those people who seem to lose an arm every time they are nice about refusing help…. Saying things with tact is free my friend…. And it’s also free to be thankful when someone cares about you….. Regardless of whether you will accept this person’s help or not….
I want to know what they’re flagging as abusive. I’ve seen so many cases where someone is in an abusive relationship and doesn’t realize it because they’re too close to the problem to see it. This is especially true with emotional abuse. So if they’re all raising a concern, sometimes there’s a valid problem, and the partner getting the issues from it hasn’t recognized it yet. So what’s the issue? I’m already wondering if his attitude is causing you to get isolated from your family, which is often a warning sign.
The neighbor was definitely out of line but your husband does sound like it might do good with some therapy. Maybe you two should talk about it and get on the same page. Cause being angry all the time is not necessarily a good thing. NTA
Sounds like we might be sister wives, lol. No they have no right to push this on either of you. They have expressed their concerns and you and your husband have expressed yours. It should stop their.
NTA, sister and stupid neighbor need to fuck off.
But, that being said, your old man probably does need some sort of therapy based off what you have said. That is something for the two of you to determine, not the double dingbats.
NTAH
Even if your husband needs therapy, that’s none of THEIR concern.
Nta. He clearly just doesn’t want people In his business and maybe doesn’t know how to properly convey these feelings so it might come out as brute to some people. If he’s unhappy about something at least he feels comfortable talking to you -HIS WIFE- about it.
>My husband is a bit rude or appears as one, he doesn’t like people and minds his own business, he’s kinda angry all the time but doesn’t show it, he doesn’t like talking about it with others except me
Are you married to a clone of mine? Lift one for the grouchy people who don’t like others.
Seriously, NTA. Your husband doesn’t need therapy. Not everything in this world can be cured with therapy.
Just go back home with your husband if this bothers you guys so much. Easy.
OP is NTA. Tell these busybodies to mind their business and stop diagnosing others and telling anyone what they should do.
NTA It’s not their place to suggest therapy for your husband.
Tbh your husband kind of sounds like my dad, and I know he could use therapy so…
They’re rude for butting in and insisting for sure, but also like. Therapy isn’t a bad thing.
It does sound like your husband has a problem although you may not realize it but those around you see it and it’s very concerning they immediately thought of abuse.
Being visibly angry all the time is not normal.
Your husband doesn’t want to live there anymore. You need to choose him or your parents. He didn’t expect or deserve to be treated this way in what is supposed to be his home.
NTA. Sounds a little autistic. Nothing wrong with that.
Has he tried therapy? Have you? Has the neighbour?
remindme when they’ve all had therapy
I had a long term boyfriend who was quiet, angry all the time and didn’t like people. It was horrible. I couldn’t have friends or family over without him making them uncomfortable, and when they were gone he’d tell me how he didn’t like them, etc. He was eventually emotionally unavailable to me, too. I ended up leaving him because he refused to get help for his misanthropy. After we broke up, he started seeing his ex, and thankfully she convinced him to get some help (I think Prozac). He still keeps to himself, but their marriage seems to be going OK.
How old is your neighbor? If she’s not an elder, your husband should tell her to fuck off.
NTA but tbh it does sound like they are right. They shouldn’t be pushing it though, that’ll only push people away.
Nta
Not everyone needs therapy. Some people are just quiet by nature and don’t do small talk well. My husband disappears when there are too many folks for his liking. He just doesn’t like crowds. Just cuz some of us can talk to trees and answer for them doesn’t mean we all can.
NTA they definitely need to mind their own business. Although I’m ngl, I’d feel very uncomfortable having someone with an angry affect living in my home for a month. I get why it bothers your sister so much. You’ve admitted your husband doesn’t really like people. Sounds like that’s pretty obvious and it would be awkward having to deal with that in my space every day. The neighbor has no business at all, but I understand your sister even if she’s not conveying her own feelings well.
So sister lives there, neighbor is always there, neighbor is a nosy piece of crap. I don’t blame him for wanting to go home. Neighbor is the asshole for pushing him, all the sudden he needs therapy? Why ? Because he doesn’t want to chat with her ? This is ridiculous!
NTA of course
Leave with him. You married him, not your family. If they cannot respect boundaries and act normal, then it’s wrong of you to continue subjecting your husband to such toxic rhetoric.
Imagine HIS mother treated you similarly. Told you should change your career or the way you dressed….seriously imagine this. Imagine she was commenting everytime she sees you something negative and you MUST take HER advice to rectify whatever it is she sees as wrong. And imagine you told your husband if this abuse from his mother continues, that you’d leave. What kind of husband would he be if he heard you and said “I’m staying though”. Give me a break.
You and your husband are each others first priorities. Stop disservicing your marriage. Do you really want the toxicity to spill inbetween you and him and then to look back when you’re a senior and realize in retrospect that your cunt of a neighbor is why your marriage failed?
So sister lives there, neighbor is always there, neighbor is a nosy piece of crap. I don’t blame him for wanting to go home. Neighbor is the asshole for pushing him, all the sudden he needs therapy? Why ? Because he doesn’t want to chat with her ? This is ridiculous!
NTA of course
Sister is AH, Neighbor is AH and Husband is AH. Even you admitted he’s grumpy all the time.
Sounds like your sister and neighbor have a stereotype about quiet people, especially men. But if nothing that they fear (abuse) is happening then NTA. If something was happening then you would only be TA to yourself, not them.
The neighbors and sister have overstepped, but if your husband is bottling up anger all the time how can he not be miserable? And it must be draining on you as well. I was in a casual relationship with someone who was angry all the time. They were really funny and fun to hang out with and even romantic at times, but it was exhausting having to always be steering them away from every little thing that made them angry. I spent about 70% of my time together with them doing that. And they would call me at work and just be angry for 40 minutes during their commute home (that was super tedious and draining) as I tried to be empathetic. They insisted they did not have anger issues.
A perfect stranger tries to make conversation and when he doesn’t want to, he is the issue? The woman needs to take a hint and back off. The audacity of people sometimes….why do you need help? Is he harming you? Not from your post….I would just go home frankly….NTA
Why are you both so against therapy? It’s not a bad thing and you both could learn a lot about yourselves if you gave it a try. Your neighbour is pushy. I’m sure she means well, but she should let you to make your own decision at your own pace. Mentioning it daily is borderline harassment though. You tried to set a boundary, that doesn’t make you an a-hole.
NTA
Regardless of whether or not your husband needs therapy, these two white knights are flat out ignoring the refusal. At the moment, they are the ones crossing the line into being abusive. Being harangued, harassed, and bullied into anything is manipulative abuse.
Those two need to get it through dense skulls. No means no. Period. Unless the patient is willing, therapy literally cannot work.
Your sister needs to worry about herself and her future seen as she has nothing productive to do with her life and is 24 still living at home. Clearly that means she has too much tome on her hands.
Your neighbour is close to your mum not you she wouldn’t even finish the first sentence before she was told where to stick her beak. I don’t know where she gets the audacity tbh….
If you intentionally antagonise someone, make them angry and harass them by telling them they have issues isn’t that abuse? Thats what they are both doing perhaps they are the ones that need therapy.
Your husband can be as grouchy as he likes his not bothering anyone especially not your neighbour…. She is inserting herself into his space not the other way around.
Why are you still at your parents house?
They obviously have way too many nosy people around who are willing to help whether asked or not.
Leave.
NTA