TL;DR:
I’m 21F, in a 4-year LDR with my 22M boyfriend. We want to live in the same state, but my strict Middle Eastern parents won’t let me move out unless we’re married. I’ve asked before — they said no unless I follow their rules. My boyfriend can’t move here, but he’s willing to help me move to his state and get an apartment together. I know I’m ready to live my own life, but I’m scared. How do I put my foot down and actually leave?
Full Post:
I’m tired of my long-distance relationship — we’ve been together almost 4 years, and I just want a real life with him. We used to live 2 hours apart, now it’s 3 states. My parents are Middle Eastern and won’t let me move out unless I’m married with a full wedding and engagement party, but neither of us is ready for that yet.
I’ve asked my parents before if I could move in with him, and they basically said no way — unless I follow their rules and get married first. We’ve talked about him moving here, but it’s too expensive, and he told me it’s just not in the cards for him to move back here again. It’s too expensive and he’d have to live with his friends; it’s just too much. He also loves it up there because it’s much cheaper, no traffic, etc.
Now we’re considering me moving to his state. He said he’ll help me look for an apartment so we can live together, and he’ll help me move my stuff with a U-Haul. But I’m scared to tell my parents. I already know what they’ll say: “Why are you chasing a guy who won’t move for you?” “What will the family think?” “We don’t do this.”
My boyfriend has sent me Reddit posts from people in similar situations, and most of the replies say the same thing — put your foot down, stop letting your parents control your future, and choose your own happiness. And I want to. I’ve run away before when I was younger, and after reconnecting, the physical abuse stopped. But now I’m older, and I know for sure that I’m done. I want my own life.
I just don’t know how to put my foot down and leave.
Comments
You say state so I’m assuming US based.
You’re an adult, you can absolutely just pack and leave one day, there’s nothing stopping you.
What you may more need to come to terms with is the consequences – your parents aren’t going to like it no matter what and it will cause family strife. Embrace that and go.
I would however recommend living on your own or with roommates if you can at first. Jumping straight into living together at yalls age and being long distance would put a lot of stress on the relationship.
If you want to put your foot down and leave, do it. If you have the means to pay for yourself outside of your parent’s home then you do not need their approval. They might be upset, but you have to decide whether to prioritize your happiness or theirs.
Regarding moving in with your boyfriend, I agree moving in before living independently can be tricky to navigate. Do you have a life outside of him in his state? Will you make friends and have hobbies? Are you supporting yourself financially? If you were to break up, would you regret the move? Just some things to consider for your long term happiness.
Good luck!!