Hi everyone,
I (23F) just ended a two-year relationship with my partner (27M), and I need perspective and maybe support.
Last year, I went through something traumatic involving my landlord’s ex-husband. While we lived in the same house (I had a separate room), she invited her ex-husband to move in and he sexually assaulted me. I told her, someone I was close to and trusted, and instead of supporting me, she brushed it off. A day later, I got an eviction notice. I had to fight it in court, and while the case was dismissed and sealed, I’m still struggling to find housing because the eviction shows up on background checks.
I knew this landlord through my partner, she’s the mother of his best friend. After the eviction, her son (my partner’s best friend) started harassing me. He texted me awful things, talked badly about me in their groupchat, and even made racist comments while urging my partner to leave me. He was eventually kicked from the group for his behavior.
But a few months later, I found out that he was quietly added back into the groupchat, and my partner and all their friends were gaming and chatting with him again. This is someone directly tied to the woman who ignored my assault, and someone who disrespected me in disgusting ways publicly, repeatedly.
When I confronted my partner, he admitted the guy said bad things but said things like:
- “We don’t talk in there much.”
- “He apologized to me once on a call.”
- “We boys fight and then get over it we’re not like you girls.”
I told him that if the guy actually felt sorry, he would have apologized to me, the actual victim. I told him how humiliating it was that he still shared space with this person. And I gave him a choice: leave the groupchat, or leave me.
He said again and again, “It’s just a groupchat.”
And that “If someone asks why we ended a 2yr relationship, I’ll just say it’s because of a groupchat, doesn’t that sound silly?”
But it’s not about the groupchat. It’s about how safe and respected I feel in this relationship.
It’s about the fact that the person who says they love me could still laugh and play games with someone who harassed me, disrespected me, and gave me trauma.
So I ended it. I told him, “You’ll never have to see me again.” And I blocked him everywhere.
I still feel shaken. Dating him always felt like a slow humiliation ritual. He’s betrayed me before, made me feel small, and I don’t think I’ve been myself since I took him back.
I guess I’m just asking… does this make sense to others? Did I do the right thing?
Like I said, it’s not just about the groupchat, it’s just really disrespectful towards me. I am struggling with being assaulted, harassed, wrongfully being brought to court while im busy with college, finding a place to stay with this eviction record and its really something to find out your partner enables it.
Comments
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You absolutely did the right thing here! As you said, the (supposed) apology doesn’t even begin to matter if it wasn’t directed towards you. I agree that it is disrespectful that your partner couldn’t care enough about your feelings/safety/mental health to go no contact with this person and it makes the original boot from his GC seem performative.
Trust your intuition and don’t let this guy get in your head. You’re better off!
hold on now. the guy apologized to the boyfriend but not to you. so the guy doesn’t see women as actual people and was just worried about how a man would view him after that. this reminds me of when a guy would sexually harass a girl and then she’d tell him to stop but he’d keep doing it until the boyfriend comes and tells his to stop then the guy ONLY apologizes to the boyfriend. cause SHITTY men only respect other men not women.
personally whether your boyfriend thinks what the guy said is a big deal or not, he should see how it really hurt you and not interact with this guy. im sure if that guy said a bunch of shitty stuff about your boyfriend then your boyfriend would never wanna talk to him again or would wanna fight him, YET when the guy says stuff about you, your boyfriend doesn’t care? does he belittle your feelings and emotions and call you dramatic other times or just this situation? i think this is a good enough reason to leave him simply because i can see him neglecting you in other ways in the future. 2 years is not that long of a relationship sometimes it takes that long to see people’s true colors.
You made the right decision. You deserve to feel safe and supported. Don’t even think about second-guessing yourself.
You absolutely did the right thing.. you deserve so much better than someone who minimizes your trauma and socializes with misogynistic, racist, sa apologists.
It always feels a bit odd to prioritize yourself after having a partner like that. You put yourself & your safety first.
You did the right thing here. Your boyfriend is just as toxic and cowardly as the rest of these people- even worse because he’s supposed to love and protect you. You don’t need anyone like that in your life.
OP, I am so very sorry that you were assaulted and that you did not have any support. I cannot imagine how hard that was for you. It must have felt like being betrayed again.
You did the right thing. Your partner should be the one person to always have your back and to make you feel safe. No one should make you feel small or disrespected. You made the right choice and giving yourself some time away from him and time to heal, will make you feel so much better about the decision.
If you can, please find a support group or therapist to talk to. You need a supportive village right now. They will get you through this period and help you heal. Please don’t feel like you are all alone.
I think anyone with half a brain will see you’re in the right. I just want to add that it would worthwhile to seek some legal counsel. Depending on what state you’re in, you could at least get the eviction sealed so it’s not the first thing that pops up while you’re looking for a new place. You did the right thing by breaking up. You deserve a fresh start, so look into your options when it comes to dealing with the eviction.
He didn’t respect you, so he didn’t see a problem with his friends not respecting you either.