My fiance (28M) and I (25F) are getting married in the fall. We have been together for about 4 years. A month ago, he invited a group of friends to let them crash at our place for their trip. Ok no big deal.
Here’s where I have reservations about the situation (and let me paint the scene). My fiance is in a female dominated field, so his friends and former classmates are ALL female. At first, I was totally cool with it. They seem friendly and welcoming. As we started to date, I heard them all calling him this nickname. Doesn’t have anything to do with his real name and could be misconstrued as a “pet name”. Don’t love it, quite frankly it’s just weird to me, but whatever. Overtime, I started feeling shut out anytime we were all spending time together. If we were invited to join the group of girls, I was always welcomed to come. But once we got there, I always felt “on the outs”. I work in a completely different field and don’t relate to what is the majority of their conversations, so I started to grow frustrated and bored anytime we spent time with these people.
Since this point, I have voiced to my fiance how I have felt shut out when we hang out and don’t expect him to stop talking about these topics, but just wanted him to know how I was feeling. He was really receptive and said he would make an effort to include and involve me in conversations. I sort of saw improvements, but they faded quickly.
Fast forward to this trip when his female friends came to visit. I hit a breaking point. It felt as though he was disinterested in me and was dismissive when I had anything to add to conversations (we were talking about hiking and I don’t know nearly as much about the lingo and trails nearby). Anytime anyone else asked him a question or had something to say, he was really engaged and helpful with them.
When he isn’t around these former female classmates, he’s great. Other female friends, or friends of mine, I have no reservations. I just can’t shake the frustration I have when I am around these people. I don’t expect him to stop being friends with these people, but I don’t know what to do about how I feel. Idk maybe I just think these women are weirdly possessive of him since I came into the picture prior to them becoming friends….
Maybe this is just an insecurity of mine or something else, but does anyone have experience with this prior to getting married?
Is this an appropriate place to ask him to set boundaries?
Tldr my fiance has female friends that make me feel uncomfortable when we interact and I don’t feel heard when we are in a group setting
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They are not your friends, they are his friends. You guys don’t have to click , they just have to be polite and respectful of your relationship. If you had a problem this should have been dealt with 4 years ago in the first couple months of dating.
They’re into him
This has to be very hard for you. I was just talking to a friend at lunch and she was saying how her husband has many women friends. He loves to help, so they call him ALL THE TIME. He would drop everything to help them. My friend’s point is that the women had a different agenda than her husband. They were using him as a faux boyfriend/partner. He was enabling their behavior and worse of all, he wasn’t making his wife a priority. Could the same thing be happening here? Your fiance may think they are “just friends’ but the women or particular woman may view the relationship differently?
Moving forward, I would explain how you feel to him and that in the future, you would prefer that they do not stay at your place. It is your home and it should feel like a safe and comfortable place.
I’m trying to understand the title of this post. Would you be more comfortable if he had mostly male friends and you felt that he was giving them too much attention?
The way your significant other treats you differently, all depending on who’s around, is a red flag for me. It shouldn’t depend on who is around to determine what version of your significant other you get.
How much time do spend together? Does he spend more time with them?
I used to have one female close friend and she’s attractive. I knew her when she was married and i hung out with her and her husband. Then she got divorced and i still hung out with her even 1 on 1.
I dont have any feelings for her, i dont wanna sleep with her. She probably thought the same. She told me about her affairs, fwb, bf and past sexual excapades, she told me all in details and explicitly.
When i met my wife i honestly told her everything about my close friend even the nsfw part. After awhile she expressed that she was uncomfortable im talking her and i followed her request.
These days i hardly talk to her and my wife occasionally contacting her.
I think it’s ok to set boundaries but it depends if your fiance can see your perspective because the conversation between them was innocent.
Only advice I can give is to trust your instincts. If something feels off… there’s usually a reason. Men and women can def be friends, but if you are feeling a kind of way then pay attention.