I got into an argument with my wife because I overheard her telling teenage step daughter not to marry a “loser” or “brokie”.
I reminded her that when I married her she had a child from another man, was a highschool dropout, had no car and no job. And that she has NEVER had a job to this day.
I’m not saying I was a huge success at the time, because I wasn’t, but i at least was in the military(joined at 17yo) and had a car and a salary where I could send her money to support her child.
She’s now mad at me because I “threw that in her face” and “embarrassed her” but I was just trying to prove a point and didn’t agree with the advice she was giving our daughter.
AITA?
Comments
I don’t agree with her choice of phrasing, but telling someone to not marry someone incapable of providing isn’t necesarily bad advice.
Yes. You are an asshole for yelling at your wife. It sounds like your insecurities got the better of you.
I think esh. It’s reasonable for your wife to encourage your daughter to have high standards and expectations for the people that she chooses to date. But yes, it’s a little tone deaf not to recognize that she would probably have been considered a “loser” when you met her. I think where you suck is that you are discounting the value and the general advice that your wife is giving even though it was very poorly worded. I think a more valuable conversation would be around what kind of treatment she should accept, how she should value herself and expect her partner to value her. And that a loser is not someone who is currently not where they want to be, but they’re a person who doesn’t have ambition, has poor character, don’t treat her the way she deserves to be treated and don’t contribute financially, emotionally, etc. to the partnership and the life that they should want to build together.
NTA.
What she was really doing is projecting her own unhappiness at how her life turned out. She’s telling her daughter not to marry a loser or a brokie because that’s how she feels her life turned out and doesn’t want that for the kid. Her “advice” to your daughter was in reality a thinly veiled insult towards you and your marriage.
Honestly, good on you for humbling her a bit there.
NTA. She was fine marrying for money. She doesn’t want it the other way around.
NTA. <s> She sounds like a real gem. </s>
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Your wife has a point and YTA.
Why is your teenage step daughter even talking about marriage??
Unless she’s marrying into money, it’s just a bad idea to even be thinking about this instead of school/work. Just because she screwed up in life previously doesn’t mean the child has to make the same mistakes.
YTA – You should be able to have a constructive conversation with your wife without yelling at her.
You could have phrased it differently, you could have not yelled, you could have left the “never had a job” thing out… I see where you’re coming from, but you kind of called your wife a loser and a brokie, so YTA. Unless she sucks and she doesn’t contribute in any other way and it bothers you, then it’s a whole other problem.
NTA.
There are better ways that she could have phrased that, especially since teens are impressionable.
Besides, I know plenty of “losers” with money.
Your viewpoint can be 100% correct, but still be an asshole in how you deliver it. This is such a case.
NTA – but you’ve both created a mess that needs untangling.
Your wife’s advice to your stepdaughter was hypocritical and potentially harmful. Teaching a teenager to judge potential partners primarily by their financial status rather than character, compatibility, and mutual respect sets her up for shallow relationships and missed connections with genuinely good people. You were right to challenge this messaging, especially given your own story together.
However, the way you challenged it was nuclear. By listing your wife’s past circumstances in front of your stepdaughter, you didn’t just make a point – you humiliated the woman you married and potentially damaged how your daughter views her mother. There’s a difference between private correction and public embarrassment, and you chose the latter in a moment of frustration.
Your wife’s anger about being “embarrassed” is valid, but so is your frustration with the double standard. The real issue here isn’t who was worse in that moment – it’s that you’re both giving your daughter conflicting and problematic messages about relationships. She’s hearing that money matters most from mom, while witnessing parents who can’t communicate respectfully with each other.
The path forward requires you both to apologize – her for the shallow advice, you for the public humiliation – and then have a genuine conversation about what values you actually want to instill in your daughter. What made your relationship work wasn’t your military salary or her lack of one; it was presumably love, commitment, and seeing potential in each other.
Focus on teaching your stepdaughter to look for partners who treat her well, share her values, and have the drive to build something together – regardless of their current bank account. That’s advice worth modeling, not just preaching.
YTA. Why would you want your daughter to marry someone that would make building a life together that much harder?
Have you ever suffered hardship because your wife was a high school drop out single mom with no car or job? Probably yes. So why would you want your daughter to go through that same hardship when you can advise her to not make your mistakes?
While I don’t agree with the way you said it. I would likely be upset at you as well. But I do agree with your point. I married my husband young. My husband worked as a kitchen supervisor for a fast food restaurant. He had no money . Im sure my parents weren’t thrilled with my selection. Fast forward 24 years we have 5 kids, his job affords me to be a SAHM I homeschool as we built our life together. I would never shame her for being a SAHM especially. She contributes to your life more than you can imagine.
Do you even like your wife?
Isn’t the whole point of parenting to pass on wisdom? Wisdom only comes through life experience. She’s just educating your daughter to make smart choices. It has nothing to do with her choice or if she feels she made the wrong ones.
She’s not saying she made wrong ones. She’s just explaining what is statistically correct.
sounds like you brought your ego to something that doesnt concern you.
YTA. It’s different for women. Wife married a man with a secure career, benefits, pension.
Hypocrisy aside, she was giving very reasonable advice. There was no reason to yell and humiliate her in front of your daughter. ESH
I got bad news for you..
You married the loser in this case.
NTA. On one hand, I have noticed that women are unkind and call men who are not rich brokies which is unrealistic and cruel. Tone also matters when talking about this sort of a thing. On another hand, it is important to make sure that whoever she marries does have a life plan that makes sense too.
YTA, you obviously have no respect for your wife.
Did she say not to marry a ‘loser’ or a ‘brokie’ like you or just generally don’t marry a loser or brokie? If it’s the latter then she might not have meant you and YTA and if it’s the former then NTA.
If you’re not talking about a specific person, it seems like reasonable advice. You did bring up your wife’s history to shame her, though, rather than have a discussion. She made a mistake. Doesn’t mean your daughter will make a similar mistake. People are human. Have the grace not to throw this in your wife’s face because she disagrees with you. I’m assuming you accepted her as part of your wedding vows.
If you’re talking about a specific person, then you’re on a path to estrange yourself from your daughter. The heart wants what the heart wants.
NTA. Your stepdaughter needs to know that her mother is a hypocrite. Otherwise, she might actually believe her mother
So basically what I’m hearing is you called your wife a loser in front of your child and you’re wondering why she’s upset. Also if you think so poorly of her why are you married. On top of that would you not want your daughter to marry someone with stability who can provide security as you did for your wife. No she does not have to marry for means but safety security and stability both financially and emotionally are goal one should want in a partner right. Why would you want your daughter to marry someone that adds stress and insecurities i.e. a loser.
But yes your wife could have worded it better.
I have 4 daughters, the oldest is 16, so we have the conversation about who to date, and I’ve never told her to “not date a brokie” but I have 100% told her to not date a looser, Because she more than likely will be the person home raising kids (she wants kids), even if she works, her husband will probably be the main bread winner. She shouldn’t date somebody who spends their whole life playing video games, not working not having any ambition, or able to set goals. They should have common goals, at least a few common interests, and common wants in life.
Her big crush right now is a kid who is an aspiring streamer, and so spends 12 hours a day for his 2 viewers ( not even subscribers) on twitch, doesn’t work, has missed a ton of school and was on the verge of getting kicked out because of excessive absences. I get that some people become very famous and wealthy streaming, but this is like somebody who has pro football aspirations, but can’t throw 10 yards, is 4’9″ and weighs 95 lbs. The sad thing is, his dad runs a very successful business locally that if he put effort into learning, could be making north of 6 figures in his early 20’s and take over for his dad, running a multi million dollar business, but it is a trash company, and so he finds it “gross”.
I think you and your wife should come together and agree on what your advice to your step daughter should be, that is perfectly fine, and Language is very important. The words you use are important.
Good, these women are delusional, score one for men…
yta ngl bc this could’ve been handled way differently. There’s no need to yell at your wife for this at all lmao did you ever stop to think that maybe your wife doesn’t want her to make the same decisions she did? I’m sure your wife knows that she fits the definition and is conveying that in a way your teenaged daughter would understand. NOBODY should be dating Brokies, bc Brokies are ppl who are not financially compatible enough to be a true partner…and a loser is subjective….there are SO many things that make someone a loser….so why you took her telling your daughter this so personally….only you know the real reason. Your point about the double standard is valid, but why is that something you need to yell about? If I had kids who were about to be adults on their own….in this economy and dating scene….Id tell them the same thing regardless of my personal status….Do not date Brokies or what you personally constitute to be a loser.
YTA for yelling at her–it seems like you may have some unresolved resentment. Your reaction seems way overboard.
Also, we often want better for our children because we’ve lived the consequences of our actions. Telling her not to marry a loser isn’t bad life advice, so I’m failing to see how you took it so personally.
Well, all she had to do was marry well to survive, right? Sounds like she’s sharing what worked for her… INFO Given how much of a “loser” she was when you met, what exactly drew you to her?
NTA. You’re a good person. Keep that.
Oh bro. You married a loser. Never date people with kids.
i dont get it. you want your daughter to marry a broke loser? is that why you scolded your wife?
she was essentially telling her to marry someone like you and you took it as an opportunity to insult her
YTA
YTA. You sound insecure.
I’m kinda leaning towards siding w/ your wife man. A bit classist and offensive to be calling someone a “brokie” but her heart is in the right place. I doubt you want your daughter marrying a loser, but yeah a guy being broke at a young age like 17 doesn’t make him a loser btw. But avoiding slick talkers, guys who stay at home and get high all day rather than doing anything productive, have no ambition, etc. etc. is a good thing for a woman to do when looking for a mate.
Women need to start being better about choosing men, and traditionally it was the mother’s job to help with that.
Wait what? Why wouldn’t you be okay with your wife telling your kids not to marry a loser? Like..yeah..don’t marry a loser! That’s great advice. Unless she’s specifically calling out a relationship the kid had with someone and mocking it etc. no harm🤷🏼♀️ Maybe she took it from her first marriage/relationship? You are the asshole for pointing out that she didn’t have when you guys got together and saying she still doesn’t have a job. If she’s a SAHM then that makes sense she wouldn’t have a job and would have to depend on you..why would you throw that in her face?
She didn’t marry a brokie with you, and she’s not wrong. We would need more data on the situation to really judge.
Nta. Your wife should have told your daughter for her to not be a loser or brokie
How old is your daughter and her boyfriend? What is her boyfriend doing?
While yes it may be hypocritical of your wife to call someone a brokie (I mean if women want to start throwing around this term it should absolutely be used in reverse), this is also your daughter. Do you not want what’s best for her?
I didn’t marry into money or 4 money. People hopefully marry 4 love ❤️ !! That said, what i said to my daughter, is that you can fall in love with someone rich just as easily as a poor man.
Need to work on your diplomacy.
I hope the teenager isn’t planning to get married for several years! Best thing parents can do is encourage her to work hard and support herself, and then she doesn’t have to marry anybody unless she loves them.
Your wife isn’t giving a bad message to your daughter. I’m a straight guy, and my parents told me the same thing, albeit in much more delicate terms.
You seem like a decent person and your wife is lucky to have you. I think she doesn’t want your daughter to make the mistakes she made.
With that said you’re NTA. Your wife can stand to be more tactful.
There are a lot of losers out there. By that I mean guys who have no ambition and are buried in video games and worse. So- yes- even a high school drop out who has made her own share of mistakes can dispense good advice.
This really, really depends on whether your wife’s comment was a reflection of her being unhappy with how you’ve supported her, in which case it’s really mean spirited and you’re NTA or if it’s just general advice, which in abstract is good, and you’re a jerk for assuming it was a comment about you.
Sounds like your wife is projecting her regrets onto your daughter. I think she sucks as a person. NTA
Yelling seems like a little much, but otherwise you called out her hypocrisy and she got mad
YTA if you said this to her in front of your daughter. Otherwise NTA.
NTA
God forbid we take a look at our own life sometimes and be floral with our kids. 😅
Your wife is a dumb bitch and she ended up with better than she deserved. Lucky her… Bad for you. Protect your assets.
NTA she should teach her to marry a man that loves her and treats her good. She sounds like a loser and broke