(Throwaway Acc)
I (23F) recently got married to my (24M who we will call John) bf, and it caused a lot of drama in my family and I’m a loss.
Background:
I grew up in a VERY religious, conservative family. Christian, to be specific. I’m talking church every Sunday, bible every night, private Christian school… the whole deal.
from a very young age my father has made it VERY clear that my husband has to be a man of god. Like, whenever I talked about getting married I couldn’t have a conversation about it without him butting in and making it clear that it would be a sin not to marry a Christian. As a little girl, it didn’t really bother me and I guess i didnt take it seriously.
fast forward a couple years. I’m 15 and John is 16. I left my Christian school and transferred to public school because the fees were too much. Me and John are like a match made in heaven, the kind of love you only read about in books. I’m cheer captain and he’s quarterback. I have a major crush on him for about a year until he finally asks me out (he’s 17 and I’m 16)
Dating John was the best. He’s been NOTHING but respectful to me and my family. I told my family pretty early on that he wasn’t religious and both my parents acted like they were ok with it. Even though every time my dad has been around John he has boarderline harassed John about John’s religious beliefs (mostly he’s just telling John he’s going to hell and then vividly describing how terrible hell will be (Keep in mind John’s 17 and my dad is 40 something at this point)) despite this, John has been nothing but polite and respectful. Not to mention very willing to understand my family. I’m talking coming to church even though he doesn’t believe in it, memorizing bible verses to impress my dad, and even waiting until marriage to have sex with me. Bottom line is, my family (father in particular) has been very hostile towards John since he was a teenager, but he has done nothing wrong.
fast forward a few years, John proposes. I say yes. i was so happy until I told my parents. My mom was ok with it, but my dad flat out told me that he didnt support and would not be funding the wedding or walking me down the isle. I couldn’t care less about the funding part (I have a job that would allow me to pay everything twice over if I wanted too) but the part about walking me down the isle really hurt.
over the next couple months, my dad has been sending messages to me and John nonstop. Telling us that we are making a big mistake and doing a major sin. It got so bad to the point where I blocked his number and told John to do the same.
at the last minute, like a week before our wedding, I decided I don’t want my dad there at all. I decided that if he can’t support me, then what’s the point of having him there anyway? I told my mom she’s welcome to come, but to keep my dad away from the venue.
spoiler alert, he didn’t stay away from the venue. On the day of the wedding he had to be escorted out by police because he was causing such a scene. Shouting in John’s face, calling him names, etc. He even tried to initaiate a physical fight with John, but obviously John wasn’t having it. it was terrible and I feel like my wedding was ruined.
i haven’t talked to him since, but my mom says he’s a wreck. Aparhently he feels terrible he didn’t get to see his only daughter down the isle. AItAH for not letting him come?
it’s important to note that I’m hardly religious myself. I go to church, but I don’t really believe much of it. My bible hasn’t been touched in years.
Comments
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Realistic-Salt-8624: (Throwaway Acc)
I (23F) recently got married to my (24M who we will call John) bf, and it caused a lot of drama in my family and I’m a loss.
Background:
I grew up in a VERY religious, conservative family. Christian, to be specific. I’m talking church every Sunday, bible every night, private Christian school… the whole deal.
from a very young age my father has made it VERY clear that my husband has to be a man of god. Like, whenever I talked about getting married I couldn’t have a conversation about it without him butting in and making it clear that it would be a sin not to marry a Christian. As a little girl, it didn’t really bother me and I guess i didnt take it seriously.
fast forward a couple years. I’m 15 and John is 16. I left my Christian school and transferred to public school because the fees were too much. Me and John are like a match made in heaven, the kind of love you only read about in books. I’m cheer captain and he’s quarterback. I have a major crush on him for about a year until he finally asks me out (he’s 17 and I’m 16)
Dating John was the best. He’s been NOTHING but respectful to me and my family. I told my family pretty early on that he wasn’t religious and both my parents acted like they were ok with it. Even though every time my dad has been around John he has boarderline harassed John about John’s religious beliefs (mostly he’s just telling John he’s going to hell and then vividly describing how terrible hell will be (Keep in mind John’s 17 and my dad is 40 something at this point)) despite this, John has been nothing but polite and respectful. Not to mention very willing to understand my family. I’m talking coming to church even though he doesn’t believe in it, memorizing bible verses to impress my dad, and even waiting until marriage to have sex with me. Bottom line is, my family (father in particular) has been very hostile towards John since he was a teenager, but he has done nothing wrong.
fast forward a few years, John proposes. I say yes. i was so happy until I told my parents. My mom was ok with it, but my dad flat out told me that he didnt support and would not be funding the wedding or walking me down the isle. I couldn’t care less about the funding part (I have a job that would allow me to pay everything twice over if I wanted too) but the part about walking me down the isle really hurt.
over the next couple months, my dad has been sending messages to me and John nonstop. Telling us that we are making a big mistake and doing a major sin. It got so bad to the point where I blocked his number and told John to do the same.
at the last minute, like a week before our wedding, I decided I don’t want my dad there at all. I decided that if he can’t support me, then what’s the point of having him there anyway? I told my mom she’s welcome to come, but to keep my dad away from the venue.
spoiler alert, he didn’t stay away from the venue. On the day of the wedding he had to be escorted out by police because he was causing such a scene. Shouting in John’s face, calling him names, etc. He even tried to initaiate a physical fight with John, but obviously John wasn’t having it. it was terrible and I feel like my wedding was ruined.
i haven’t talked to him since, but my mom says he’s a wreck. Aparhently he feels terrible he didn’t get to see his only daughter down the isle. AItAH for not letting him come?
it’s important to note that I’m hardly religious myself. I go to church, but I don’t really believe much of it. My bible hasn’t been touched in years.
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Your dad is a psycho NTA
NTA by a loooong shot. Seems like you and your now husband have been as gracious as possible and probably way more than anyone would take.
Some religious people are just nuts and unfortunately your dad’s one of em. Best to cool off and not have any contact for a while until he can be bothered to apologize and ask for forgiveness.
Your father is a lunatic. I say this a a father, who’s daughter married 1+ years ago after living with and having a now 8 year old daughter with him. Your father should be ashamed of himself. NTA
NTA, your father created this mess, not you. Give it time and let him apologize. What has been done has been done. You do not have to accept his apology if you don’t want. Forgiveness is for you, so you can be at peace about it, not your father, the offender. He ruined it for the both of you. Going forward if he doesn’t try to apologize and make amends to your husband then he needs to stay in time out. That should be the price for re-admittance into your life. You might ask him which is more important, your happiness, being married to a man that treats you well or being with a man of god regardless of how he may treat you and see what your dad has to say. Some men, men of god, think that a wife is to submit to whatever the husband demands, does your father want you with someone that might mistreat you and claim it is his right bc you are his wife? , maybe ask your father that. What your father shod be focused on is your wellbeing and happiness.
NTA He fucked around, now he’s finding out that his behavior has consequences.
Wow, your dad is unhinged
I’m sorry that happened on you and your husband’s special day. Shame on him. You are NTA. You have every right to make him live with the consequences of his actions. Your poor mother. He sounds insufferable. Stay no contact and congratulations on your nuptials.
Your mom is just as bad as your dad for being his flying monkey. Your dad chose to be a piece of shit, and you need to be a partner to the man you have chosen as family.
NTA. Your dad had every opportunity to build a healthy relationship with your husband and to come to terms with the fact that you are your own person and are going to build your own life. He needs serious therapy with some secular therapist. You are not an extension of your father and you do not have to do what he wants.
I would tell both him and your mother straight up that unless your dad can accept this marriage, you’re going to be LC/NC with him, and if/when you have kids, there will be no contact with grandchildren if they proselytize to them.
NTA. Your showed your father actions have consequences. Good for you
To be fair, it’s a very emotional thing for a parent to see their kids reject their belief system. It’s very painful. It forces a parent to confront their own failures (or what they will see as failures. For a Christian, the idea of their child rejecting the faith and possibly not being with them in Heaven is also incredibly painful.
That said, your father acted like a child about this. And it sounds like he tried to beat you guys over the head with Christianity instead of acting as Christ did when confronted with non-believers.
Sometimes, the best way to love a family member like this is to not engage with them. You’re not an AH- you’re just not engaging in this conflict.
your dad is the typical, controlling, psychopathic asshole that extreme religion creates.
if his religion made him like this, his religion is shit.
and you can tell him i said so and he can reach out to me if he has a problem.
“BY THE BIKE RACKS! THREE O’CLOCK!”
Your father was under the impression of owning you. You’re his daughter and as such you are his property.
Making your own choices, about the man you merry and about who can be there for the event is stepping out of his control of you.
That is what is hurting him – or his pride anyways.
NTA. You dodged a bullet by walking your own way and not your fathers. Good for you!
” Aparhently he feels terrible he didn’t get to see his only daughter down the isle.”
If he feels so terrible about missing his only daughter down the isle, maybe he should have just shut his judgamental mouth and support you instead of trying to sabotage your wedding.
NTA, OP, he has no one to blame but himself.
NTA. I would have told your dad that he could either accept you marrying John or you would proceed with premarital whoopy and then would continue to live in sin just to spite him.
NTA
Your father is upset that he didn’t get to walk his only daughter down the aisle not because you uninvited him but rather because you married someone he didn’t give you permission to marry. It’s just more of the same intolerant, controlling behavior.
Congratulations on your marriage!
Good grief. For someone so learned in biblical ways, he forgot the lessons about actions and consequences.
NTA. Glad you found a better family.
And my go-to reply for people like your dad who claim to be religious but treat everyone like crap… like him straight in the eye with your best grey rock expression and say, I’ll pray for you, in your calmest voice.
It really sets them off.
NTA but your father is. He’s using his beliefs to control you. You didn’t let him. Then he tried to threaten and bully you. You didn’t accommodate him. Then he tries to physically attack your fiancé and then has the audacity to be upset he didn’t get to see you get married or walk you down the aisle? This is a classic FA&FO. Too bad, so sad. You messed up, dad. And BTW, none of these actions are very Christian so…..
The only person he has to blame for not getting to see his daughter get married is himself. Sounds like it’s time for complete no contact for dad and an information diet for mom
If thou fucketh around, thou shalt findeth out.
Shouldnt he be more worried you’ll be living in sin if you aren’t married than than a marriage between a man and a woman? Does John have cloven hooves? Cant he just hope John repents or finds religion down the road? Like so many ridiculous reasons to tell people they live in sin and yet here I’m at a loss as to what the hell he can bitch at.
Why would you want any relationship with a man who ruined your wedding, embarrassed himself until the cops dragged him away, and has zero regard for your happiness? Go NC and never look back. Imagine how he would act with any future children? What value does your father currently offer in your life? He is a psycho who thinks his way is the only way. NTA but you would be if you continue to allow your father to harass your husband this way.
Has anybody EVER stood up to your father? Or is this the first time? Perhaps the first time somebody in the family stood up to him?
Sounds like you might be the first person, at least in the family, to stand up to him. Good for you. The bad for him, he’s not used to it.
Maintain your boundaries going forward. Be wary of any “apology” he may offer. Make sure that he apologizing for his actions, not your feelings about his actions. “I’m sorry you feel that way…..”
NTA
Of course, NTA.
But be careful about your mother and any siblings you have. They will need to be on an information diet so your father doesn’t use that knowledge against you. If you and John have children, your mother shouldn’t babysit them unless she leaves your father (unlikely). You don’t want your children to suffer the way you suffered.
NTA. This wasn’t your fault — it was his. His behavior. His choices.
You tried to have some peace, and he STILL tried to ruin it. If he’s upset now, it’s his own fault.
Don’t feel guilty. He was wrong from the start, and I guarantee he isn’t regretting anything except YOUR choices.
Best wishes for a long and happy marriage! John sounds like a keeper.