This morning, my husband was downstairs slamming the door repeatedly — seven times to be specific — which ended up waking both me and our baby. I got up, clearly irritated and came downstairs. I asked, probably not in the most gentle tone, “Why does the door keep getting slammed?”
He responded with, “I’m watering the plants outside.” (Back door which is directly under the bedroom is metal and has a spring to pull it shut for the dogs. He was going in and out and letting it slam shut behind him.)
I didn’t say much beyond that, but he got noticeably upset. His position was that he was doing something helpful (watering/cleaning) and all I did was “complain.” He ended up storming out of the house without much else said.
From my side: I get that he didn’t slam the doors on purpose, but it kept happening and it had a direct impact — waking up a baby and ruining our sleep. That’s frustrating, especially early in the morning. I also work from home, full time, and this sets the stage for a rough day, when he’s getting ready to leave. I didn’t yell or insult him, just commented about the noise in a frustrated tone.
He’s now the one who’s upset, and I’m feeling frustrated that instead of acknowledging the impact of what happened, it’s turned into him being mad. I know my tone probably wasn’t super warm, but I also don’t feel like I was wildly out of line for reacting the way I did.
So — AITA for snapping after being woken up, or is he overreacting to a fair complaint?
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This morning, my husband was downstairs slamming the door repeatedly — seven times to be specific — which ended up waking both me and our baby. I got up, clearly irritated and came downstairs. I asked, probably not in the most gentle tone, “Why does the door keep getting slammed?”
He responded with, “I’m watering the plants outside.” (Back door which is directly under the bedroom is metal and has a spring to pull it shut for the dogs. He was going in and out and letting it slam shut behind him.)
I didn’t say much beyond that, but he got noticeably upset. His position was that he was doing something helpful (watering/cleaning) and all I did was “complain.” He ended up storming out of the house without much else said.
From my side: I get that he didn’t slam the doors on purpose, but it kept happening and it had a direct impact — waking up a baby and ruining our sleep. That’s frustrating, especially early in the morning. I also work from home, full time, and this sets the stage for a rough day, when he’s getting ready to leave. I didn’t yell or insult him, just commented about the noise in a frustrated tone.
He’s now the one who’s upset, and I’m feeling frustrated that instead of acknowledging the impact of what happened, it’s turned into him being mad. I know my tone probably wasn’t super warm, but I also don’t feel like I was wildly out of line for reacting the way I did.
So — AITA for snapping after being woken up, or is he overreacting to a fair complaint?
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> To clarify, am I the asshole for complaining first thing in the morning?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
He’s either doing it on purpose because he’s got some twisted sense that he thinks if he’s awake, so should you be, or he’s genuinely oblivious to the issue, neither is great.
And watering the plants is helpful? Does he think he’s done you a favour? And storming out. You have 2 children, not 1
NTA. If he really wanted to be helpful, he would’ve held the door as it shut to keep it from waking you and the baby up. Dude needs some situational awareness.
He is either unaware or doesn’t care. I have a question. Would you post if he was juggling chainsaws? In the house? And the chainsaws were on fire? I have a feeling you would post if he farted
NTA sorry you have a sleepless baby and an angry toddler instead of a husband
Ai
ESH
He was thoughtless. You used bizarre passive aggressive language. I think you meant ‘stop slamming the door’. Your question was not a question and it was worded without him as the subject of the sentence.
Moreover, if you are working a full time job without a full time nanny or daycare then neither your job nor your baby are getting their due.
INFO: what time was he doing this? How early is early?
You haven’t said how early this was or how old ‘the baby’ is or any of the details that make it difficult to comment. Tired people speak with resignation or crankiness. Exhausted new Mum’s are in a special category. I have friends who call their 4 – or 5 year old the baby.
Your husband may have been misguided, but he was doing a job that needed doing. He likely didn’t think beyond the task at hand. If you are a new mum, then any sleep is precious. If you are also at home all day, there is no break.
I think you both need to be kinder to yourselves and each other. Life is hard, it’s even harder with small children. Could you message him suggesting a chance to ‘clear the air?’
Info – How early was this, when was it in comparison to when you usually wake up, and how old is the baby?
“it’s turned into him being mad”
Respectfully OP, who cares? Let him be mad. If he is going to pout like a child, then treat him like a pouting child – Ignore him and don’t reward bad behavior.
I feel for you though. NTA.
Doing work around a shared house isn’t ’being helpful’. NTA, sleep is SO essential for your baby’s growth and development and if your partner is asleep isn’t it common sense to be quiet? I’m sure he isn’t unaware of how loud the door is
NTA. Closing doors quietly takes minimal consideration and effort, and I don’t understand how that isn’t already automatic muscle memory with a baby in the house.
Also, he did it seven times, you say it wasn’t on purpose but… it has to be? Like he knows that door slams shut loudly when opened and left to shut uncontrolled. So how is letting it slam shut when he knows it’s going to happen different from purposely slamming it shut himself?
NTA…Saturday or Sunday morning, when tends to sleep in, I would be watering plants.
When he comes stomping downstairs, “what? I was just being helpful”.
Why do men act like they are doing the world a favor any time they do a chore at their own damn house? NTA but married one.
I’m not saying this is the “right” thing to do but I’m feeling petty. The next time he’s sleeping in I would have laundry that needs to be put away in the bedroom and make sure you’re slamming those drawers and closet doors closed with a BANG. “Just doing something productive dear.;…”
NTA. Doing something helpful doesn’t give you carte blanche to mess up in other ways.
“I made you breakfast. Why are you mad that I ran the cast iron pan and good knives through the dishwasher?”
“I drove to pick up groceries. Why are you mad that I hit someone in the parking lot?”
“I vacuumed. Why are you mad that I also vacuumed up your earrings?”
NTA, my husband and I both try to be quiet in the mornings when one of us wakes up before the other. He chose to not close the door quietly 6 times after doing it loudly once. If I made a loud noise by accident, I would be careful not to do that again.
Can you put one of those pneumatic(?) arms on it like on a screen door to let it close softer?
I’m ok if my husband wakes me up but if it involves a baby then we have a problem
NTA – doing something helpful does not mean you are allowed to be insensitive at the same time. If he wants applause for watering the plant and firing squad for waking the family – that’s his choice. Or he can choose to close the door quieter and get all the grateful attention.
He had a choice how he closed the door. He decided to do it in the loudest manner possible. It was a choice. Does he usually do things to wake you early? Is he angry about something? This was a problem at one point in my house until I went nuclear. Don’t put up with this.
NTA, but I have come to learn that most people either hate door slamming or are completely oblivious to it. I am super careful specifically because it drives me nuts and I don’t want to be that person to others. But I have lived in apartments where neighbors blissfully slammed doors all day and all night even when they were otherwise generally ok.
NTA
NTA – if he was trying to help you sleep in a bit while taking care of some things around the house, ask him how much help was it if he woke you and the baby up.
…then he threw a childish temper tantrum by storming out of the house to not have to assist with anything else, to include the baby that he woke up
You are not an AH, but your husband is.
What people doing chores as a “favor” to their partner fail to realize is that if they call attention to it, it ain’t worth a damn. If they end up doing it poorly or without regard to what is going on around them, it ain’t worth a damn. And damn, if they don’t all usually get offended when this is brought to their attention. You are NTA.
NTA. He let the door slam he’s the AH.
Your husband can have his full-on tantrum like a baby. If he’s not considerate enough to think of being quiet during the early hours, then you shouldn’t either. Next time you’re awake early and he’s still sleeping, be sure to do something “helpful” really loudly, then get mad when he gets mad. See how he likes it. He’s a Neanderthal who’s only thinking of himself.
NTA on iota.
Since this sounds like a non typical event in your life… He was already upset which is why he was slamming the doors. Misery loves company. I’d just leave and go somewhere like hiking or something if he came back home in that mood and refused to be an adult and use his words.
Helpful? Like the default is it’s your responsibility. 🤮
Nta Impact matters more than intention.
Did he start a fight on purpose? Ex: Wants to go out for drinks after work so doesn’t tell you in case you would object, but creates a bad day for you to worry, and then beg forgiveness for the morning spat when he finally comes home late?
(Premeditated irrational arguments are not unknown as a diversion or misdirection tactic.)
Is he jealous you get to sleep later, that you don’t have to commute, and makes sure you don’t sleep later?
I work in a building and the door closes LOUDLY. There is an office right there, often with the door open. Now I know they know they will hear the door slam a millions times a day. But every time I go in or out, I hold it so it closes more quietly. Why? Because I realize I am not the only human on earth and since I know the door closes loudly, I make sure it doesn’t. Your husband is selfish.
NTA coming from a dad with kids and a spouse he could’ve been more considerate since he knew everyone was asleep and your bedroom was directly up stairs.
He chose to do something petty and mean spirited and involved the baby in it
Fuck that.
NTA
He’s not very considerate of you.. not the asshole
NTA. why is it so hard for people to be mindful of others? And why is it so hard to say, “oh shoot, I’m sorry – I wasn’t thinking about how loud the door was” instead of making it about their hurt feelings?
if the door is spring loaded to slam shut each time then see if the door can be modified. There are gadgets and other things that can slow down a door before it closes. Check your local hardware store or the Internet.
Since you have a little one, I would be concerned about little fingers being smashed or even cut off in a door that slams by itself.
You can look up something like door slam stopper. Some baby stores also carry these.
I’ve recently learned that some people (usually men) have a hard time with certain emotions/feelings and they invariably end up expressing anger rather than remorse, regret, embarrassment, sadness etc. If this is a pattern with your husband I’d try to have a conversation with him about it when things are happy and light and see if it gets his wheels turning at all.
Here’s an AI deep dive/explanation:
• Boys are often taught—directly or indirectly—that vulnerability = weakness.
• Emotions like sadness, fear, and embarrassment are discouraged or even mocked (“boys don’t cry”).
• But anger is accepted—even respected—as a “strong” or “masculine” response.
• So over time, many men default to anger, even when it’s not the core emotion.
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• Anger becomes a kind of emotional disguise—a more “acceptable” way to express:
• Sadness → becomes frustration or rage
• Fear → becomes aggression or control
• Embarrassment → becomes defensiveness or lashing out
• It’s often unconscious. The man may not even know he’s feeling grief or shame underneath the anger.
⸻
• Many men were never taught how to name or process emotions, so they default to the one they can recognize: anger.
• If you ask how they feel, they may say “pissed,” “fine,” or “whatever” because they simply can’t access the nuance.
⸻
• Movies, sports, and other media often show men resolving issues through anger or dominance.
• There’s rarely modeling of healthy emotional vulnerability.
⸻
• Men are, on average, more likely to experience physiological arousal (e.g. elevated heart rate, adrenaline) as part of a stress response.
• That surge often translates outward as anger, especially in conflict situations.
⸻
• Many men don’t feel safe showing regret or sadness—especially around other men.
• Anger offers protection. Vulnerability feels dangerous; anger feels like control.
⸻
In Short:
Anger is often a shield men have learned to carry, whether they know it or not.
⸻
If you’re seeing this pattern in someone (or yourself), you’re not alone. It’s something many men can work through with practice, therapy, or just having safe, non-judgmental spaces to feel seen and heard.
NTA. He has a baby. Move quietly.
I get him being annoyed in the moment. No one likes to be told they fucked up. But holding onto that beyond a few minutes is ridiculous.
NTA he wasn’t thinking about you guys and all. Then tried to make it about you? Imma guess he’s petty in other ways too.