When I started dating my fiancée, everything felt great. We connected well, had fun together, and shared a lot of good times. About six months into the relationship, she gave me an ultimatum: propose within the next six months or she would leave. I wasn’t ready, but I didn’t want to lose her, so I proposed.
Since then, I’ve noticed a pattern where she tends to take full control of major decisions. She’s been planning our wedding with little input from me, and when I try to share ideas, she often dismisses them or threatens to call things off if she doesn’t get her way.
One of the bigger issues now is around finances and living arrangements. She expects me to retroactively cover her mortgage expenses after we’re married. Recently, I got promoted to my dream job, which requires me to be in the office three days a week. The commute is two hours each way. I suggested we move closer to my job, especially since she’s said she’s indifferent about her current job and could find something better. I even offered to support her financially so she could focus on her hobbies.
However, she refuses to move away from her family and plans to sell her house to move even closer to them—this would make my commute even longer. She says I’m the one who chose the job, so I should deal with the consequences. When I try to express how I feel, she tells me I can leave if I don’t like it, because she knows what she wants and won’t change.
Despite all this, we still get along well day-to-day and genuinely enjoy each other’s company. But I’m feeling torn. I love her, but I’m starting to feel like I’m being molded to fit into her life, with little room for compromise.
TL;DR My fiancée and I love each other, but she tends to control major decisions and refuses to compromise on things like finances and where we live. I’m feeling stuck and unsure how to move forward.
Comments
Doesn’t sound like you’re struggling with compromise, it sounds like there’s no compromise at all. It’s her way or the highway. If you want to make it work I’d suggest couple’s therapy. She will be dragging you along behind her for your whole lives. She doesn’t value your time, your desires, etc. Probably better to break up, but good luck either way.
What did I just read? Dude, break up with her. She doesn’t love you which is obvious by her utter disregard of your wants and needs
A person who wants to lengthen your already 2-hour commute simply does not see you as a partner.
You are, at best, an accessory. At best.
If you are not ready to end this (and you should) at least enter pre-marital counselling so you can have these disagreements clearly, and realize just how badly you need to end this.
This gives you an idea of how she will approach future major life decisions such as children and how to raise them. Do you want a marriage where everything is a battle unless she gets her way? Because that’s what you’re signing up for. You can’t change her and she refuses to compromise. Accept that or move on. Breaking an engagement is cheaper than a divorce later on.
Someone who loves you wouldn’t treat you this way, but you already know that.
You need to really think about this whole situation before going through with this marriage.
……if she asks for both your kidneys because her dog needs one and she’d like the spare, would you?
>When I try to express how I feel, she tells me I can leave if I don’t like it
And you clearly don’t like it, so I would consider taking her advice. Kick her to the curb and save yourself years of hassle.
This is not a good relationship. “How do I navigate this without losing myself or the relationship” is a question with no realistic answer.
This relationship is one where what you want and what you think does not matter to your partner. She does not compromise, and she does not care about you deeply enough to be a good partner. It was a mistake to let her strong-arm you into engagement, it is a mistake to stay with her when she won’t compromise on finances and living situation, and it’s a mistake to continue to make wedding plans. The only navigation that can be done from your position is to end things, because she is not open to an equal partnership where your needs are taken into consideration. There is no moving forward with her. You need to escape.
>When I try to express how I feel, she tells me I can leave if I don’t like it, because she knows what she wants and won’t change.
Do not take these words lightly. She is flat out telling you the only way to have a life that you are happy with and have your feelings matter, is to be with somebody else instead of her. You should leave.
From what you described, it seems that she has a well thought out plan for her life. But you are only an interchangeable element in this story, which she clearly shows by giving you ultimatums/extreme resolutions at the slightest disagreement („you can leave if you don’t like it”, threatening to call off the wedding when you ask to include your ideas about the ceremony that’s supposed to celebrate your mutual love). Relationships are often about compromise, and this word doesn’t seem to even exist in her dictionary. As someone already commented, it’s either her way or highway, and going further, your life decisions will be dictated by her if you don’t stand your ground now.
You should really ask yourself if this is the life you want to live, where your input and ideas are never heard or respected.
Wow, a forced proposal within a year, covering HER mortgage expenses, won’t “leave” her family, regularly threatens to end the relationship if you don’t like her decisions, and more. These are really big red flags, OP. The purpose of dating is to find out if two people are compatible together. You two definitely are NOT. End this relationship. Do not marry this woman. Find somebody who wants to have a partner, not a puppet.
She was giving you a proposal ultimatum 6 months in?? My dude…
This will be the rest of your life. Her making every decision and making ultimatums about things to get her way.
She’s planning her wedding… featuring you as the groom, and not your wedding to each other. She sees you as an accessory, not a person who is allowed to have wants and needs.
Your relationship sounds like a nightmare.
I couldn’t be w someone that says stuff like “you are the one who chose the job, deal w the consequences”. It sounds like she’s punishing you. It’s her way or the highway, and it’s been like this all the time: propose or I leave, pay for my mortgage retroactively or I leave, accept I want this and that in the wedding or I leave, commute 2 hours each way, suck it up.
There’s no compromise here and it sounds like she doesn’t have empathy. To me it seems like this is more about the wedding and ticking off something (getting married) that actually wanting a marriage with you
The first red flag was the “propose in the next 6 months or I leave”. Demanding a proposal after 6 MONTHS!! of being in a relationship is shit crazy, sorry. You barely knew each other, and now you are getting to know the ugly parts of her. You are feeling uneasy bc your intuition is telling you this is not ok. And it is not.
She’s telling you you can leave if you don’t like it, right there she’s telling you all you need to know.
You are not compatible.