I [19M] have been friends with this guy, lets call him Sam [18M], for about 7-8ish months now. We have become really close and talk practically everyday. Then there is my boyfriend, lets call him Dave [20M], who I have been dating for going on 6 months now. Sam and Dave have been friends for years, long before I met either of them.
When I first started dating Dave, Sam was pretty strange about it. He would get irritated if I would mention Dave at all, get incredibly jealous if we were hanging out together, would constantly press for intimate details about our relationship, but would get noticeably upset if I gave even the most baseline info about how our relationship was going. He also would constantly air his grievances about Dave to me, which I found incredibly uncomfortable and odd for him to do since I was dating Dave.
I had suspicions that Sam had feelings for Dave, and asked him about it. Sam denied it. I told Sam it hurt me that he was so negative about me and Dave’s relationship, and how it made me uncomfortable that he put me in-between him and Dave by venting about him often. Sam’s attitude eventually improved and we haven’t had any major issues for many months now.
Fast forward to a couple of days ago and Sam admitted to me that he has romantic feelings for Dave. He has not told Dave and says he doesn’t know if he ever will. Obviously I am in an extremely uncomfortable position knowing this information, and have no idea on how to proceed.
I feel uncomfortable and am rethinking so many interactions I have had with Sam. There are several instances where I would open up about my anxieties about me and Dave’s future, to which his response was usually something like, “well you can just date someone new!”. At the time I thought maybe he was just bad at comforting people but now knowing this info, it paints everything in a more sinister light. Our friendship just does not feel the same and I don’t know how to make myself comfortable with this situation. At the same time though, Sam means a lot to me and our friendship has had a lot of great highlights. The thought of losing him is really sad, but I don’t know how to continue as we have before knowing this.
I also feel extremely guilty keeping this a secret from Dave. I don’t know if it’s my place to tell, but also it does affect me and so part of me feels like Dave should be aware. At the same time though Dave has had a lot of friends leave his life recently, Sam remains one of his last stable friendships and I would feel awful if I caused that to end.
So, I am at a loss. Should I tell Dave? Should I stop being friends with Sam? Should I try to just push through and continue being friends with Sam?? I just don’t know what to do.
TLDR: My close friend has romantic feelings for my boyfriend, which they have confessed to me but not my boyfriend. I am unsure if I should tell my boyfriend and if I should/can continue being friends with this person.
Comments
I don’t think you should stay friends with Sam, and I think you should tell Dave. Sam hasn’t been a good friend to either of you by not confessing his feelings/not getting over them and continuing to give you advice on your relationship. Source: went through a similar situation in college.
This is tough.. honestly, I think you should tell Dave and probably start distancing yourself from Sam.
The way I see it is, you’re already thinking about past conversations and second guessing the friendship. You can’t unhear his admittance.
To me, it sounds like he’s sticking around you both so he can either eventually get his chance with Dave, try and split you two up, or he just wants to be around him despite unrequited feelings.
Which means that he’s not actually a friend.
Personally, I’d rather have few/no friends than fake friends with potential ulterior motives.
What you could do is tell Sam that you don’t feel comfortable holding this secret in and you’re not sure if you two can have a genuine friendship. You could mention that, since you probably want to distance yourself, Dave will have to be told something/a reason why.
Hopefully that would prompt him to confess, or distance himself so the crush can dissipate. While it’s valid that Sam doesn’t want to confess/might never, the consequences mean differently.