Hey there! I am looking for advice. My daughter and her wife are expecting their first child soon. It’s the first grandchild for both sides of the family. My daughter would like me to be there for the birth. I live across the country from them.
I’m not sure how to make that happen without being underfoot. The birth doesn’t have a planned date. Even if it did, things can happen.
I don’t know if I’m not putting enough thought into it, but the only options I can think of are:
A) getting a plane ticket as soon as my daughter-in-law is in labor and hope I make it in time
B) getting there about a week before the baby is due and staying until two or three weeks after due date.
Does anyone have any better ideas? I honestly wanted to wait until the little dude was born because I am concerned that they might want some time alone bonding with the baby. I don’t want to get in the way of that, if that’s what they need. I know my daughter wants me there now, but I can’t afford to suddenly disappear if they change their minds. I also don’t want my daughter crying because she thinks I don’t want to be there.
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Talk to your daughter, but honestly B seems like the best option. Just ask her how she envisions your involvement.
What a fascinating post, thank you for sharing this.
Since this is such a special event, I would get an estimated delivery date from the OB/GYN, and simply show up a day beforehand.
(You say the birth does not have a planned date… can you please explain what you mean by that?)
If you can possibly manage it, never mind the expense, this is a once in a lifetime experience for you.
The other thing you could do is as you suggest above: have your daughter contact you immediately once contractions begin. Usually contractions can go on for several hours, which might give you enough time to catch a flight.
Also, forgive me for asking, but have you discussed this conundrum with your daughter? And if so, what has she said?
Ask them. I mean she’s said she wants you there, so have a conversation with her/them about what she wants, how it’ll work, what her wife wants. No point worrying about them wanting alone time if they’re going to say “not at all, we’d love you there for X weeks”. Equally if they do want alone time, that’s fine, figure out timing that works for them. You don’t need to guess! “I’d love to be there for the birth, but obviously we don’t know when that’ll be. I don’t want to get in your way before or after the birth, but of course I’m happy to be there for as long as you’d both like me there.” Encourage them to figure out what help they’ll need/want. Acknowledge that you’ll be there to help them both, not be a guest. Cooking, cleaning – whatever they want/you’re willing to do. Figure it out together! The only right answer is “what they want”, so talk to them.
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With a first baby, you’re looking at it being pretty close to the due date, and possibly after. When buying your plane ticket, might want to get one that has the lowest change fee. Or…buy 2 one way tickets, and don’t pick up the second one until you’ve had your fill of snuggles and the parents are feeling good enough to not need extra hands.
Main thing is to realize they are the parents now and they will be setting boundaries and that’s a good thing. You set boundaries for people you love. The fact they want you there at all means they love you, value your wisdom (and help), and want to share this time with you. Talk to them and ask how you can best support and celebrate with them – this will help reinforce their transition into being parents and build confidence when they will no doubt be weary.
Oh and Congratulations!
I was at my 1st grandchild’s birth. I flew down about a week before my daughter’s due date, and stayed with them for several weeks after. If she had gone into preterm labor, I might’ve missed it. She went into labor the day after her due date, so we got lucky.
We (daughter, her hubby and me) had discussed her birth plan, and expectations, well in advance.
Shortly after the birth, and photos, I stepped out and gave them some privacy.
Overall it was a beautiful experience, and I’m grateful I was able to be there.
I’d say book a ticket for a day or two before the due date and if by chance the baby comes sooner- then you can try to get there faster. I don’t know if you work or not but I wouldn’t get there too early. She’ll really need you the most after the baby comes. I know I was exhausted and it was nice to not to have to cook and clean. My Mom took care of that stuff while I nursed and rested.
Option B. With the chance to extend another week.
If things progress slowly you can go on a mini vacay to give them space. Go get a cool air bnb an hour or so away.
Option B, for sure. Plan your role as helping with cleaning, laundry and making food. Organize if they are okay with it. And you’ll have plenty of baby snuggles mixed in. Just being present and showing support sounds like what your daughter needs.
Talk to them. You’re spinning in circles when the easiest thing to do is talk to your daughter about what her plans and needs are, what does your DIL want, will her mom be there, and how long they’d like you there. This is also one of the few times to offer your opinion and just ask if being there immediately to help would be what they’re thinking or if you should give them a few weeks of alone bonding time? And that you’re good either way.
But you need to talk to them to nail down logistics like when to come, how long to stay and where will you be staying?
If your daughter is not pregnant, please double check with the person giving birth.
Well… babies can start getting born almost whenever, so if they want you there you might want to give yourself a window of time to be there
I don’t think flying in when labour starts is gunna cut it, that could be a really short timeframe to get there and miss it
If you have the ability, talk then about coming out for a few weeks
2 weeks prior to expected birth and 1 week after, should suffice
I would definitely talk to them about what that realistically looks like for everyone. The duration they want you to stay/how long you can actually stay.
Babies arrival/her daughter‘s labor could go anyway. I personally did not want any help and just wanted quiet time to bond with baby and my husband. I ended up having an emergency C-section. Luckily my parents kept time open in case I ended up needing help and immediately booked tickets for the next week to come and stay for two weeks.
I understand if you have a job this may not be the same for you as some employers aren’t as lenient. However, look into FMLA (family medical act) for your state. Talk with your employer and make sure that you qualify for FMLA!
Postpartum, especially with your first baby and such a vulnerable time. If she is adamant and really wants you there I would personally be there if I were you.
If this is her first child chances are it won’t be before her birth date, but like you said – things can happen. I was two weeks past my due date with my first and 4 days early with my second.
It’s a great complement that she wants you there with her – and a testament to you. I’d be very flattered. But can’t offer any logistic ideas better than what has already been suggested here. Good luck!
Okay I don’t know why you’re on Reddit but maybe you should talk to your daughter and ask her what she would like you to do. How hard is that? She might say well this is what we’ll do how about we’ll get a due date and you come a few days before the due date unless she goes into labor sooner and then you hop on the next available flight. Maybe we’ll get lucky and you’ll make it before the birth. Or they might say okay come a week before the due date and then once the baby’s born if you could stay another week, or two, that would be great.
But follow their lead.
I mean I loved having my mom here, my husband is well as he adored my mom. My mom actually helped though. She would do laundry, load the dishwasher, cook dinner, Watch TV with me, took me shopping. She had bottlefed babies so she knew what to do. I ended up not being able to breastfeed so that came in handy.
B. Did you check with your daughter in law that this is what she wants too? We often see posts of birthing partners wanting to invite people for birth or post partum with the person giving birth not actually wanting this, so please make sure you’re all on the right page.
This is the biggest compliment you can get from your daughter. Ask her when you should plan your trip. Do whatever she suggests. You might not realize how many new grandmas would love to be in your shoes. Don’t mess it up!! Congrats!!