Me (40M) and my wife (36F) married for 8 years now. We are 15 years together. 6 years ago we got our first of three sons. The early years were hard work and lots of bumps on the road. We got a bit disconnected in these times mainly because of hormones and not enough sleep/energy.
Fast forward to 1 year ago. I get a burnout and realize I had not taken good care off myself. Got myself back in shape by taking good care/sleep dig up old mammy and daddy issues. This is still in progress, but man I am on a good path and in a way happy that I collapsed. It changed my life.
While this was going my wife met an old mutual friend. He used to be a drinking buddy from the time we met. During this time there was always tension already but nothing ever happend. They started texting and he came to the bar where we were supposed to meet with my brother and sister and law (who all know him from back in the day) I became ill and could not make it but they went. This evening ended in the early morning for them and the guy hopped in the cab of my wife as a joke. She put the whole story on the table the next day. Then also the texting came out. It was going on since oktober until January, with teasing stuff in there. She refused to let me read it and removed everything because it would hurt my feelings.
So here we are a few months later. We had some grown up talks and I gave here the go to discover what here feelings where. The had a few meets and she says she doesn’t want more then friendship. But she does want him in her life.
I agree with this and every now and then they text and meet.
I would love her to talk about the feelings. But she simply says there aren’t any. Fast forward to today. I am going on a trip to a friend and we had some talk in the bathroom were I honestly tolled her that sometimes after al this I have an urge myself to discover if I could develop feelings for someone on the side. Her immediate reaction was: I will also kiss with mister friend if you do sth. This to me is a sign there are feelings still.
Sometimes I feel like having the trip of my life acting like a single party dad and not giving a shit anymore because it feels like things are slipping trough my fingers anyway.
On the other hand I want to forgive her and move on and get over the jealousy and distrust. We have a nice family that we build together and I do not want to give up. It’s just so hard when he is in the mix still and I am good at making myself crazy and sad.
Trying to let go. Going on the trip Monday. So Reddit how can i get myself out of this emotional rollercoaster? please do not judge. Everyone can get feelings for someone else and we are both not out to harm each other on purpose.
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Dude, she is texting with him stuff that she denies you to see, she is having an affair on some level. Cheating doesn’t start when she has sex with someone. Cheating starts when she does things with someone that she feels she need to hide from you. That is exactly what she is doing.
You can’t get out of this emotional rollercoaster because your wife is in charge of it and keeps it going extra hard and fast.
EDIT: If I were in your shoes, then I would approach her again. Tell her if she would kiss that guy if you kiss someone else, does that in turn mean that she would be okay with you texting another woman similar texts like those that she is exchanging with him?
Hire a lawyer buddy. Your wife has a boyfriend. You should act like it.
My friend.
It’s more probable that she wants to continue fucking her old flame while not blowing up her family life with you.
If you’re cool with that, then continue, but your passivity is going to cause you to just be “dad” and not your wife’s lover.
You need to stand up for what you want.
You didn’t give her your permission to develop a relationship with someone else so you don’t need hers – but now that she’s explicitly declared her intention to have more with someone else than you’re allowed to have, I suppose that means you should just keep your experimentation secret the same way she did for all those months. Seems like those are the unspoken ground rules being laid down here.
Or you could just be a mature person and tell her games like that are stupid so it’s time for her to say goodbye to mister past.
High likelihood that she had sec with him and is trickling out the truth to you. She’s told you what she thinks you will believe. Your wife cheated and when you respond with hurt saying what if you act the same way she did she threatens you go back to him. Sounds like SIL and BIL went on a double date and covered for her.
She does not respect you. Have you done a dna test on your kids? Please get tested for STIs.
Updateme
Bro is going to pipe your old lady when you’re gone.
What’s really going on with you? Feels like there are a few missing pieces to this puzzle.
Wake up.
Divorce and throw her no good, cake eating keister out of your house.
Call your friends and family and tell them you’re divorcing, naming her affair and the affair partner as your reason. Don’t be the second option for anyone.
You get yourself out of this the same way you got into it, by making a choice and communicating it to your wife.
Tell her that this isn’t working for you, that you don’t control her so if she wants to have a relationship with the other guy then you will divorce and she is free… but you do control you and since this isn’t working for you, unless the other guy is 100% verifiable out then you will divorce and you will be free.
Lol, what is this, a spelling bee?
Cuckold. C-U-C-K-O-L-D. Cuckold.
Divorce her. She has no respect for you.
>were I honestly tolled her that sometimes after al this I have an urge myself to discover if I could develop feelings for someone on the side. Her immediate reaction was: I will also kiss with mister friend if you do sth. This to me is a sign there are feelings still.
It’s also a sign that your wife doesn’t care about your feelings. She wants to have this side relationship but the minute you inform her you want equal treatment, she threatens you with something she knows would hurt you. I would bet she has already kissed this friend, maybe even more, when you gave her the go ahead to explore the relationship with him.
Figure out what YOU want in this relationship and then tell her. Either she agrees with your requests, like you’ve done for her, or you go your separate ways.
Grow a spine and give her a choice. She can cut contact or she gets a divorce. There is no in-between.
The huge red flag was that she refused to let you see text messages to protect your feelings.
Why would your feelings need protection if she did nothing wrong? She knew then that she was over the line. This is an emotional affair at best, and I’d bet good money it’s more than that.
I have no answer for you. Your wife is cheating on you right in front of your face, and you are just letting it happen.
The fact she did not want to cut him out of her life would be enough for me to leave. That’s just me. If you want to keep at it, then do that.
You both need counseling to reevaluate your relationship to decide to continue being married or go your separate ways and amicably co parent.
I’m not going to tell you to stay or leave. Only you and your wife can decide if this relationship is worth fighting for.
Your wife had an emotional affair. I’d ask that you have her read the attached article with you, and perhaps out loud, to understand what it looks like. Sometimes, people don’t realize that affairs aren’t just physical.
If you want stay, that’s your choice, but your wife is not making it easy by sweeping this relationship under the rug. If she can’t admit that it was an affair, she can at the very least start by saying it was completely inappropriate. I understand that you guys became distanced from each other during this time, but that’s NO excuse to start investing affection, time, energy, and attention on someone outside of your relationship, which are resources that are meant for the two of you only.
However, I do think it was wrong of you to say that about seeking out a relationship of your own. This isn’t a competition. Don’t get me wrong. I completely understand why you would feel that way and why you would even say that. But that’s just not productive at all.
buddy, come on now. What the hell are you doing. This can’t be a serious post.
There is no room for another man in your marriage. This seems pretty simple to me, it’s a binary choice, him or you. Of course, she has already disrespected you, so you could just make it easy for her and dump her. That is my vote.
This all can so much easier , why not take that route? I understand the “ i love her and my family “ but she doesn’t. A relationship/marriage is not a one person with one foot in and out that’s impossible. I’ve read all your replies and it seems like you just surrendered all your self respect for her which is why she continues to the things she does.
Stand up for yourself , it’s ok to love someone but you have to love yourself first.
Updateme