I’m 18, and i found a letter from child protective services. Opened it and my mom caught me. i got scared and begged her all day to tell me what happened, we are wealthy and live a good life so i had no idea why they would send us a letter. Eventually, my mom tells me, while my dad is on a business trip, that i have a brother on my dad’s side who is also 18 that nobody told me about. He’s know since the kid was born. He’s only met him once. The lady doesn’t like my dad. I don’t know how to feel, they tell me i cannot reach out, am i allowed to cry am i allowed to be upset? they said they didn’t tell me last year because i was going through a lot mentally and they were scared of how i would react. the letter was basically saying he was done paying child support because the child is now 18. what do i do? My dad’s on his way home from the airport now. how do i react?
I just found out i have a brother nobody told me about.
r/Advice
Comments
It might be an affair baby or a baby from a previous relationship
For you, this is a sibling who has been there your whole life and was hidden from you.
For your parents it’s probably a difficult and painful reminder that your father was cheating on your mother at the same time she was having you, or maybe that they were split up when she was pregnancy with you. Whatever the story is, it’s probably a very painful one for them.
You are an adult and old enough to understand that life can be complicated. Maybe you can sit down with your dad and ask him to tell you what happened.
But understand that you having a brother means one thing for you and a very different thing for them.
It is ok to feel the way you feel. If his mom had custody and did not want you both to meet, then there is nothing your parents could do. Now that the kid is 18 your dad can ask him if he wants to meet you, if dad still has contact. As adults his mom can’t stop you. But dad may have asked and your brother may not want to meet. You can want to meet, but you cannot force it unfortunately. If you want to meet, ask and see what happens. Sometimes adults don’t do things we want to accept or agree with, but some things are out of our control.
From the timing, I suspect that your father cheating while your mother was pregnant with you, and likely didn’t tell the other woman about being married until he found out about your half-brother.
In your place, I would want to meet him. I would want to know that he was going to have the same educational opportunities and support from your father that you will have.
Of course it’s reasonable to feel upset. This is a huge secret they have kept from you. I can understand them wanting to keep it a secret, but this is a case where their wants should have been subordinated to your needs. Your post history indicates you are most likely a woman, which gives another reason for you to know – imagine dating someone to find out he was your half-brother!
In any case, you have my best wishes for a calm and measured discussion with your parents.
It doesn’t really matter. It doesn’t affect your life either way. The only difference is that you know now.
When I was 18 I found out who my biological Dad was for the first time, and that I had 3-half siblings. I reached out with no expectations to all. I never connected with my Bio-Dad, only seeing about 3 or 4 times before he passed away, but I did develop a relationship with all my half-siblings and am still connected with them today many years later. It’s not the same as growing-up with them, but I’m glad I reached out or I would have always wondered! Do what is in your heart, but I think if you never reach out you may always wish you would have. Yes, it’s okay to be angry, you missed out on a brother relationship for 18 years, that’s a special relationship you didn’t get to develop, but maybe it’s not to late. Best.