I (29F) have been struggling with this situation for years and I’ve even been in therapy trying to heal from it. Back in 2017, I was at work when one of my bio mom’s aunts called me out of the blue. She said they were in the middle of an argument and that my mom needed to “tell me the truth.” I asked, “What truth?” and she said: “Your dad isn’t your dad.” For context: My bio mom and my dad divorced when I was 7 after she cheated on him with women. She got custody, and I lived with her and my two younger brothers. My dad was an amazing father to me, but she refused to let me see him. She still let my brothers go with him, but not me. I always begged, but she said no. So when I heard that phone call in 2017, I was shocked. I immediately started calling close family. I called my grandmother (my bio mom’s mom), and I asked her directly, “Who is my real dad?” She said my dad’s name. I asked again, Her answer? “I don’t know.” I hung up. I was devastated.
I then called my dad the one who raised me. I told him what was said, and I asked him point blank, “Are you my dad?” He got extremely defensive saying things like “Who do remember being your dad and who do remember changing you as a baby?” I started to cry because he was answering without answering it felt like a riddle so I asked again “PLEASE Are you my biological father?” He got quiet… then finally said, “No, I’m not.” I was crushed and hung up on him, something I’ve never done before. I called him back later, and he explained that he came into my life when I was 1, signed my birth certificate, and raised me like his own. But if I wanted answers about my conception, I’d have to go to my bio mom… who I hadn’t spoken to in years because of how toxic and traumatic my childhood was with her.
Let’s be real: My bio mom is a known liar, manipulator, and she was never a mother to me. She dumped us on her girlfriends, partied, disappeared, and tried to buy forgiveness when she felt like it. So when I called her, I already had low expectations.
She said she got kicked out as a teen and stayed with an older coworker. According to her, they went out for drinks, and she was gaped but she claims she doesn’t know who it was, doesn’t remember anything, and can’t give me any answers. Maybe that’s true. But also, if you knew her history, you’d understand why I take it with a grain of salt. Fast forward to 2019 I had a son. And suddenly, she wants to be involved. She found out I was pregnant through Facebook and started blowing up my (adoptive) mom’s phone. “What does the baby want for Christmas?” “Can we go out to dinner?” “I’ll treat!” She’s always tried to buy love, and I’m just done.
She still won’t give me answers. Not even an attempt. And yet she feels entitled to be in my son’s life? People keep saying, “But she’s still your mom,” and that I need to forgive. But the truth is she was never a mother to me. Not emotionally. Not physically. Not in any way that mattered.
So… AITA for not letting my bio mom see my son because she won’t give me the truth about my own father and because she was never truly a mom to me?
Comments
You’re not wrong for protecting your peace or your son. Your bio mom had years to be honest and step up as a parent, and she chose lies, neglect, and manipulation. Wanting answers about your identity isn’t petty it’s basic human need.
You owe her nothing, especially access to your child. Being a grandmother is a privilege, not a right and she hasn’t earned it.
I think you owe it to your mom to work things out and give her a chance to step up to the relationship. I think you are being a bit harsh and I think that you need to be the change you want to see in the world cause I’m an empath and I can tell just by reading this post. You are going through a lot and that’s OK but at the same time I think you’re overreacting a little bit because what are you expecting to happen with thismissing father like you’re a grown-up he’s probably long gone and he probably is not interested in having a relationship like make it make sense
NTA. Protect your heart and your son. I am sorry you are going through this. I think it sounds like your problems with your mom are much bigger than this one issue. Don’t use your kid as bait to get the truth. Ultimately his safety is more important than your mom telling you her secret.
If you want answers you can do one of the home genetics kits and maybe find some relatives. There are also genealogists who help people track down their relatives based on some of those home test results.
Also, your dad is the man who raised you. He wasn’t wrong about that. I hope you can apologize to him and keep a good relationship there.
NTA. She gave you lies, chaos, and silence, now wants grandma privileges? Being a mom takes more than DNA and holiday texts.
NTA. She’s been a toxic and manipulative person your whole life, and you don’t owe her anything.
Go to one of those DNA ancestry sites and do a test. You may not get your father, but you could get a close enough relative to narrow it down
NTA and ignore or distance yourself from people saying ‘but she’s your mother’. Where were they during your childhood?
Also, do 23andMe
I would go to Ancestry.com and try to find out that way. Your biological mother is dead set on not telling you, do try another route.
Even if he hasn’t put in his genetic info, there’s a chance someone he’s related to has. That’s how a detective would do it. Gather the DNA of the suspect and search for biological matches. Good luck!
If you disregard the stuff about your dad, or her trying to buy your love, ask yourself one question – is she a safe person to be around your kid?
Adult children (children in general) do NOT OWE their parent’s anything. Your mom was a shitty parent to you, that’s on her. You do not owe her forgiveness.
You do however owe your child the safety and security of not having a toxic, narcissistic grandparent in their life.
NTA
NTA. And lie. Yes mom, I’d love to have you back in my and my son’s life, but ONLY if you tell me who my dad is, and confirm it with a dna test. Then ghost that poor excuse for an egg donor.
What name is on your birth certificate?
Updateme
Have you done an ancesty DNA or 23 and me test to find out if you have any close relatives on your fathers side? That may be a good avenue to start looking as your mom seems to be a locked vault. Your bio mom has proven time and time again that she’s bad news. Don’t inflict that on your son.
Hey y’all, I appreciate all the comments and support and even the criticisms it’s Reddit, I expected it. But I wanted to add more context because some folks seem to think this is just about a “missing father.” I wish it were that simple. It’s way deeper than that.
My biological mother has done a lot of damage over the years stuff I’m still unpacking in therapy. On top of refusing to tell me who my father is, she:
• Put multiple things in my name as a child. Ruined my credit before I even had a chance to build one.
• Stayed with her first girlfriend even after I told her I was being molested by her. Instead of protecting me, she stayed with her and acted like it didn’t happen.
• Kicked me out at 17, and I ended up homeless. That’s when I was taken in by the woman I now call my adoptive mom, who actually gave me love and stability.
• Sent my brothers to a boys’ home just so she could run off and live with a woman 15 years younger than her, because she “didn’t want kids,” she just wanted the woman.
So yeah, this is about way more than a “secret.” It’s about trust, trauma, and years of being neglected and betrayed.
I’m protecting my son from all that. He deserves better. I broke the cycle for him. I don’t owe anyone—especially not her—access to the life I built through all that pain.
Thanks again for listening.
I hope you apologized to the man who raised you.
I mean, if she’s telling the truth about being SA’d and not knowing for sure who did it, then hating her for that is kind of an asshole thing.
HOWEVER…. hating her and not wanting her around your son because she traumatized you throughout your childhood and is possibly lying about being SA’d are completely valid reasons to not allow her in your life or around your child.
If this was just about a bio father I feel like most people would accept that their mother doesn’t know, and that she and their real father meant well, even if they did make a mistake by hiding the truth But, it’s not just about that, is it? It sounds like this is really just 1 more nail in the coffin. Do you think your mother is even capable of being a non-disruptive influence in your child’s life?
I’m sorry OP, but there’s a very good chance that your bio mom doesn’t even know who your biological father is. NTA
Ugh, my mother told me packs and packs of lies about who my biological father was all designed to keep me from questioning or looking. She literally told me as a child that I had THREE potential fathers, but only had first names and vague descriptions. So even if I did manage to figure out who to bother, I’d be looking at disrupting up to three different families’ lives by showing up.
But then, DNA testing became cheap and widely available.
Did I match with my father? Nope. A first cousin that wasn’t maternal. He recognized he had no idea who I was and approached me. He and few other of my paternal cousins subtly and quietly deduced which uncle was likely my father. Which was gonna be hard without their help since there were SEVEN brothers, lol.
Frankly, your mother shouldn’t be around your kid because she sounds like a nightmare with a glancing familiarity with the truth. Actively lying to you on purpose…
I
YTA for this fake ass bs.
So, you keep hanging up on people who you’re trying to get answers from, you didn’t ask the aunt who started this whole thing, you were absolute shit to and rejected the dad who did change your nappies and be there for you, and you’re standing your ground that your mum HAS TO tell you who made her pregnant when she was blind drunk and assaulted, and are using her so-called “refusal” to tell you as justification for not telling you who your bio-dad is. Y’all need a SHITLOAD of therapy, and i think your therapist sucks and you ought to find a better one, as apparently you can’t even have reasonable conversations with people.
ESH except the guy who did show up as your dad and changed your nappies etc.
Maybe she doesn’t know. Maybe she really was s.a. and doesn’t know. Maybe she had sex with different men and is unsure of who it is. Maybe she had sex with a stranger and doesn’t know who he is. Or she does know and just isn’t saying. But not knowing is possible.
NTA. I don’t subscribe to the thought that you have to put up with whatever because “family.” Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and if you don’t feel close to her, why pretend?