I’m 18 and feel like I’ll never live my dream life. My beliefs, and even my face feel forbidden

I’m 18 and just got accepted into a strong in-demand major with good job opportunities. But I didn’t get into med school, which I thought could’ve been a good path for me with money and status. Still, I’m not sure if it was ever truly my passion. The real problem is I don’t know what I want from life. And I’m scared that I’ll grow up and realize I never lived my dream life. It already hurts that I didn’t live my teenage years the way I wanted. I grew up in a strict Muslim household, and I never had the freedom to experience life like other girls my age.

All I ever dreamed of was to be an Olympian, a human rights activist, or just to live freely without niqab, to love, to breathe, and to be myself. But all of that was destroyed in front of me, all under the excuse of haram. And the worst part is I know they do it out of love.

Why do I have to fight just to show my face just because I was born in this environment? If I take off the niqab, my relatives see me as the worst kind of person. I grew up without sisters, so I always felt like I had to impress or please my older cousins. I thought if I could make my family proud or even just prove them wrong maybe I’d feel better. But now I realize I’ve lost. I haven’t pleased anyone. Not even myself.

I don’t want to be the richest person alive. I just know that if I were rich, maybe I could travel and live a double life, free from fear. I love joy. I love children. I always dreamed of volunteering in a preschool. I want to be a real human, the opposite of the life I was raised in.

I don’t know what major fits me. I want one that does make money. I love talking, I care deeply about people’s rights, and I hate hate. I hate people who lack mercy. I enjoy building things. I have a strong memory. But law isn’t for me because it would mean studying Islamic law, and I can’t accept that.

My cousin and I are the same age. I used to envy her. She had sisters, and people always compared us. They said she was prettier. But I used to outperform her academically until my second year of high school. That’s when I broke. My mental health collapsed. I became addicted to fantasizing, and my grades dropped. Now she’s better than me. She’s the hero of the family, the first doctor in our bloodline. She’s veiled, sweet, religious, everything I’m not. And I always feel guilty. I think if she were my dad’s daughter, he’d be happier.

My dad is a really kind man. If he wasn’t Muslim, I think he would’ve been the best father in the world. He sacrifices everything for me. He apologizes when he’s wrong. He checks on me, cares for me, genuinely. He even cries and tells me, “I don’t want to see you sad or disappointed.” And I’m here, thinking what if he knew I don’t believe in his god? What if he knew I wanted to take off the abaya and niqab? That I want to love, to celebrate. Would he still love me? Would he still be proud?

I don’t want to talk about my mom. I don’t love her much. My older female cousins still live with their families and don’t have jobs. If they get married, their husbands support them, not because of tradition, but simply because they lacked ambition and chose weak majors. I’m terrified I’ll end up like them. Every day, my heart hurts. I don’t know what to do.

Should I take a gap year, reapply for med school even though it’s not my real passion, waste years of my life and maybe get a job at 30, or should I accept the major I have now, leave, and break my father’s heart?

My dream life isn’t about yachts and mansions. I’d be happy being a preschool teacher. It’s what I truly believe in. I wouldn’t mind a small home in a nice neighborhood. Neighbors. True friends who don’t believe in killing apostates, who don’t believe women are less than men, or dirty when on their period.

But here I am, crying about my life every single day. I feel completely lost. And honestly, I keep thinking about ending it.