My friend, whom I haven’t spoken to in 2 years, reached out to me Sunday night. Before she went MIA, she started dating this really toxic guy. He was erratic, abusing drugs, very misogynistic. I tried keeping in touch with her but she ghosted me. She did the same to one of our mutual friends. She said she lost herself in the relationship and was ashamed.
Since Sunday night, we’ve been talking seriously about her ex, the trauma, and our friendship. The more we talked, the more I got irritated. Before she ghosted me, we were emotionally close. She shared her trauma. I did too. But, it always felt unbalanced. I wanted our friendship to move beyond commiserating, but she claimed to be too insecure to do fun things like concerts or hiking. She couldn’t even stand taking pictures.
Now that she’s in a better place, she reached out. I asked her why she chose to reconnect. I didn’t like her answer. It was all about how I made her feel. I listened to her. She felt safe with me. She trusts me more than other people. Nothing about “us” as friends.
I empathize, but I’m uneasy about it. I want to be compassionate, however I’m still skeptical. She’s a kind person. We share the same values. Am I expecting too much?
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It doesn’t sound like you share the same values where it counts. She valued dating above existing friends; toxic boyfriend above advice from people who know her; and dropped connections by ghosting. Ask yourself if you would do the same.
Then talk to her about what you’d need from a friendship going forward. I suspect she will drop out again if her needs aren’t being met and if she’s expected to balance the friendship by meeting your needs.
She needs a therapist, but called you.
You can reconnect as friends, if she can be a friend to you, but you’ll want to support her in finding someone else for therapeutic talking it out sessions.
If you don’t see her as a friend, then ask for $100 an hour to talk about her problems. I’m being facetious, but serious. like don’t do exactly that, but that’s the situation you are in. You’re her ‘counselor’