As my gf gets closer to her period, she gets all the usual symptoms, but also can get quite mean and sometimes will pick a fight for almost no reason. (Once she got seriously upset at me for ordering a snack when she only ordered a drink at a cafe). This can escalate and usually takes some time to resolve. After the fact she is always regretful and apologetic.
My question is, what can I do to avoid these fights or at least not have them escalate? Avoiding her during her time of the month is not really an option.
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She could talk to her doctor about getting on some meds if she truly can’t manage herself. Some women don’t just have PMS, they have PMDD and that really does require medical intervention. Different BC options can also help—like a Mirena IUD where she isn’t getting periods at all.
Its not your job to regulate her emotions or hormones.
If she picks a fight with you for ordering a snack when she only got a drink… I would have a zero tolerance for it.
Start calling her out. Start invalidating her. Stop tolerating it. If you can be in a good mood, then we will hang out. But I won’t be around you when you choose to be nasty. And apologizing after the fact doesn’t make it okay to turn me into your hormonal punching bag.
Start expecting better from her. Stop being so nice about it.
How long have you been together? If it’s not that serious of a relationship, I’d move on. There are many amazing women who don’t wolf out once a month and then regret it later.
Time to ask her doctor about PMDD
She doesn’t regret it enough to do something about it though
Does that happen literally every month? I think period hormonal changes and pain, like any other sickness, can bring out the worst in people just because we are vulnerable when we are in pain or sick. Try talking to her gently but if she refuses to at least try and sort this out…well, maybe this is just the kind of person she is.
Not your responsibility to manage her attitude. She can’t just blame PMS for her bad behavior. As soon as she starts with an argument I would say I’m not your punching bag and leave.
All of us go through certain moods during our period, but it’s never been a “get out of jail free” card for treating people like shit. I’d bet big bucks she doesn’t treat her boss this way, or her besties. That’s the biggest clue of all this is a bad habit she’s developed regarding you specifically.
You need to make her see that apologies are pointless if a behavior keeps occurring. It’s on her to figure out how to stop doing this.
Irritability is a symptom though. The littlest things can feel so large.
Tell her to talk to a gynaecologist about PMDD. Some women have more than just PMS and sometimes the simple answer is just a daily antihistamine. Sometimes it’s more than that but if she’s feeling out of control of her emotions at specific times during her hormone cycle she could very well have a very under studied condition called Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
I get like this too.. but on a blue moon, emotions can be really hard to control, but when I look back at it, I feel like its the enviornment Im in. the house being remotley messy, or having laundry that I need to do and im completly cramping and annoyed.
I think the best thing you can do is set up a good envrionemnet for her to come home and feel relaxed, as well as ask for the app she tracks her period on so you know when its apporaching. In addition, I dont scream or be mean but I get annoyed, there was one time where I went so crazy and was just crying but it was reall just stressed, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious conversation with me and Ive changed ever since, but I also asked him to really consider just my first two days of my period to really talk less to me, and help clean- I dont want to worry about the home the first two days that im dying of pain and emotions going crazy, I have not had the issue since because Ive also been communicating more
This time of the month can be particulary difficult for some of us as we are really upset for nothing and really overwhelmed because of hormones.
A thing I ask people around me when it is too much for me, tell her that you need a way to say it to her when it is not logical and related to her periods. Personnaly, I learned to see when it is my hormones, so I immediatly back out. But something, a gentle “Is it you or the hormones speaking ?” or “Are you really upset about that or upset in general ?” can calm me down, that way I understand that I’m upset because I’m upset, and not for a real reason.
Talk to her and find a way to calm her down that she can understand when she is in that state.
You can also ask when is the next time she will have it so you can prepare for it better.
This is what abusive people do. She doesn’t regret it, she uses it as a pass to bully you. She’s an adult, she’s been having her period for at least 15 years now. She can get in touch with a doctor before her next period and every month she doesn’t. Apologies without changed behavior is manipulation and the person has every intention of continuing as long as you let them. You know what to do lol.
How long have you been together? If not that long, I’d leave. I was with a woman for 10 years who was BRUTAL as her cycle approached and during. She would also be apologetic afterwards…in her own way. By the time it was over she had already said insanely hurtful things that a “im really sorry” couldn’t take back, especially not every 28 days. It never got better and was one of the main reasons I left her. There’s no excuse. I’ve been with different women, NONE of them were like my last one while on their period. Mood changes? Yes. Downright mean and cruel? No. My advice is to leave, otherwise you’ll be dealing with this until she has menopause but my guess is that she’s probably mean overall and it just REALLY kicks up during those cycles. As men we can’t even respond to an equal level as we’re getting. I’d find myself being hit with REALLY mean shit while I had to bite my tongue to not hurt her feelings. I dont regret leaving her for a single moment.
Good luck.
I would do that with my husband sometimes. Not on purpose. One day he said wtf is wrong with you? Are you on your period? I was about to say wth! And it occurred to me I was just a day away from starting. So I yelled back YES! SORRY! Fight over and I just became more aware of the date when I was in a bad mood for no reason.
When I was 17/18, I was extremely irrational in the week leading up to my period, to the point where I would also pick fights with my boyfriend then would feel so terrible about it afterwards that I would spend the next hour sobbing. I ended up bringing it up casually at a doctors appointment one day when we were discussing the birth control pills I was on and she told me about PMDD. After a few months, she ended up confirming the PMDD diagnosis and I switched to a different type of pill and finally started noticing a difference in my hormones and emotions.
I’m not saying that you need to forgive her by any means, as PMDD is not an excuse for being a bad partner. But maybe when she’s feeling okay you should suggest looking into it. Don’t let her mistreat you and use her hormones as an excuse. She needs to figure out how to be a good partner, and if that involves her having an awkward conversation with her doctor or confronting her own issues, she needs to do it. Don’t let her continue treating you poorly while she’s not making any effort to fix it.
My ex used to do this. I’d ask her if she was starting her period. She would realize it and back off. YMMV.
If you both are absolutely positive it is her period and it’s not just coincidence or other factors you should see a doctor.
She seems to have the more severe version of mood disorder during her hormonal cycle swings and needs to see an expert in the area to help her regulate. Be supportive but insistent that she finds someone to help.
Could be PMDD. She needs to speak to her doctor.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you’ve already gotten some excellent advice in here, I just wanted to say that you’re being a good boyfriend, seeking advice on how to resolve this issue. This shouldn’t be your life every month.
She may need to see an obgyn and psychiatrist. Some women have dysmenorrhea, wild hormonal swings, endometriosis, pcos, or other problems that make them emotionally unstable during their cycle. The obgyn can help by giving her an exam and treatment. And the psychiatrist can help by prescribing medication to help her mood during her cycle. I used to have to increase my dosage of Zoloft during my cycle because endometriosis was just killing me. In any case, this is something that can be solved or treated.
I get really bad PMS symptoms and there have been times that I just don’t hang out with my boyfriend for a couple days during. I get alone time to be an emotional mess without the guilt of directing it at him. I also agree with the advice of her talking with her doctor.
It’s her responsibility to regulate her own behaviour.