I (39M) snapped at my wife (38F) last night

For a few years I’ve felt some things to be one sided in my marriage. We both do for each other, what I call “the basics.” She cooks, as do I. I clean, as does she. The key difference at the moment is I work 100% remote and she is moreso hybrid. Because of this, I have pretty much sole responsibility for our youngest, who I do nearly all the drop offs, pickups, homework help, extra enrichment, playtime, play dates, etc. Our oldest is nearly done with school, she mostly walks but if the weather is bad, I’m driving her as well. And when she has dance, I’m often volunteering to get her to or from. When my wife is traveling for work, there’s not really much difference in the household but obviously, 100% of everything is on me. All that said, this, to me, encompasses “the basics.” I don’t throw it in her face. It’s just, what you do in a marriage/as an adult/as a parent, right? For additional context, we’re both high income but I still out earn her by 30%.

The “extras,” I rarely ask for. Like, a ride to the airport, for example. I’ll park 99% of the time, but recently I kinda wasn’t even thinking and didn’t reserve a parking spot and asked her. It was just kinda natural.

She whined about it non stop. Woe is her, she has to get up to take me to the airport. Woe is her, why didn’t I pick a later flight. Every chance she could, she complained about the position I put her in. So much so that being disgusted at her energy, I just reserved myself a parking spot.

But when her cousin came to town, boy she was giddy to go get her from the airport.

When she needs me to drive her to the airport or pick her up, just like the one time I let my guard down and actually put my trust in her, it’s not even a thought for her, she knows she’s going to get it–and I don’t complain.

This gets to the root of the imbalance I feel. While I’ve only shared the one example of the airport, this extends to practically everything. She’ll drive past a grocery pickup order because she wants me to do it, so she can get to her gym class–even after I told her I’m swamped at work. Lots of other expressions of this, but detailing each one isn’t the point.

I brought my issue to her last night. Yet again, instead of being heard, when she has the floor she goes right into how I’m wrong. She felt disrespected for me not acknowledging all she does for this family–again, not my point, I never touched that, to me, this is all covered in the basics I discussed at the top. I was speaking to the way we do or don’t “go out of our way” for each other, and how I don’t feel reciprocated.

But I’ve seen this story before: I try to discuss what’s bothering me, not because I feel like making her feel bad that day, but to hold up a mirror so she can self correct. Instead of that, she’s going to go into some tangent that inevitably ends in me apologizing. I’m tired of that. I cut her off, it escalated, she called what I expressed “bullshit” and I started yelling “fuck you.”

I’m not proud of my behavior, at all. But I refuse to sit through another round of the tables being turned when I’m asking her to think about how she’s showing up for me. I’m tired of apologizing for how I feel. I’m not interested in listening to her make every single thing about whether it makes her feel like a good or bad person. And I’m tired of over explaining or begging for understanding.

So yeah, I snapped.

I guess, idk how I should feel. I don’t want to be around her at all. I feel like this is yet another example that whether the issue is a mole hill or a mountain, we can never summit it. My birthday is coming up in 2 days. I really don’t want to spend it with her. If we can’t do basic problem solving, we have no business celebrating anything. And IDK if I should feel bad and change my mind, or not?

TL;DR
Cold in the household after I yelled “fuck you” at my wife and I’m not sure if I’m really bothered by it.