I (F, 26) had been dating a guy (M, 24) for the past 3 months. Things moved pretty quickly — we were intimate, he introduced me to his whole family, and he told me early on (around June) that he didn’t like the idea of me hanging out with other guys. I took that as an understanding that we were exclusive, and back in May, I told him I was only seeing him. He’s never given any indication that he wasn’t on the same page and also told me he deleted dating apps. (I now understand I should’ve asked directly if we were officially exclusive, but I genuinely thought we were on the same page)
Fast forward to this past week: he left on Sunday for a work trip to San Diego. I can’t fully explain it, but things felt off – he wasn’t really responding to my texts, and I just had a gut feeling something was wrong. So, I checked to see if he was using hinge (we matched on hinge prior to dating, so I was still able to see his profile). I re-downloaded it and sure enough, I saw that he changed his location to San Diego — meaning he was active while on his trip.
I felt really hurt, confused, and anxious. So, I texted him Sunday morning asking if he could please call me once he gets a chance – I told him I really needed to talk. He didn’t reply until the following morning (Monday) and all he was: “Good morning what were you wanting to talk about”.
I stayed up the entire night before sick with anxiety, hoping for some clarity or even just an acknowledgement that he cared. But his response felt cold and dismissive IMO, and he never made any attempt to call me or ask if I was okay. So I didn’t reply. Instead, I convinced myself that he doesn’t care and decided to cut him off and remove him from everything.
Within 10 minutes of me removing him from social media, he unfollowed me back, and deleted me from hinge where I could no longer see his profile. (unless he deleted it all together, which I find unlikely) Its now Thursday night, and we still haven’t spoken.
I’m just so confused on how fast things shifted. We literally went on a date last week, and he was making plans for when we should see each other once he’s back from this trip.
It’s obvious from his actions and response that he isn’t taking the relationship seriously, right? At least not anymore. I’m just sitting with all this hurt and confusion. Part of me thinks I did the right thing cutting it off – he clearly didn’t prioritize the relationship or value the connection in the same way. But also part of me wonders if I overreacted or expected too much too soon. I can’t help but question if he ever really cared, or if he might feel any regret when he’s back from his trip.
Would love some outside perspective. What would you have done in this scenerio? I know its only been 3 months, so I feel dramatic being so upset.
Side note:
I’ve previously communicated to him that I get really anxious when someone goes MIA with no heads-up that they’re going to be away from their phone.
I’ve also told him that I can’t sleep whenever I’m worried about my partner, and how my biggest pet peeve is when my SO is okay going to sleep knowing I’m worried or upset over something. He even told me “I’ll never do that to you”.
There’s the chance he didn’t know I was upset. But the fact he deleted me from hinge makes me believe he knew he was doing something wrong.
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If he changed the location and then deleted you then im afraid it might be over. Trust me im in a new relationship and the other night was a bit of a downer and he keeps saying he wishes he was more because of setbacks placing where he is now. He feels unworthy and that is going to be my biggest hurdle. From what hes said ive never had issues with communication and he even went and got a new phone in hot pink yesterday with his sister contract because thats my sons favorite color. Thats a 3 year commitment lol
well, you asked.. so I guess somebody better tell you. This is probably not something you can do anything about. He went on his trip and wanted some action.. and you called him on it, and then you blocked him and he blocked you… right? And both of you are pretty young and free.
He wants to do Hinge or whatever, and you thought you were in a more serious thing.. it happens. Internet dating brings that risk.. If they found you on an app, they might keep looking on that app. People love the attention and the likes and the hits and the dopamine, it does not encourage loyalty at all. Some people live in those apps as a trap.. they like people but keep trying to like more people.
I’m not going to say your feelings are wrong but it’s pretty obvious how things shifted so fast to an outside observer. You said call you, he texted and you decided to read “cold and dismissive” into his text, which he may or may not have meant it to be. There’s more than one possible scenario, but conjecture and theorizing is pointless. You didn’t respond and cut him off and he cut you off back.
I’m a lot older than you and I’m not going to pretend like situations like this aren’t how I learned to just talk about stuff. You could have called him. I’m not sure what much there is to say, he said he deleted dating apps and that wasn’t true.
Just keep in mind for the future that just because someone has a problem with what you’re doing, doesn’t mean they’re coming at it from a place of equality. I usually try to avoid amateur diagnosing the other person on advice posts but it seems he could be a validation addict, so he’s driven by his ego, and because he didn’t like the idea of you talking to other guys doesn’t mean at all that he was going to hold himself to the same standard. As a matter of fact, he could have said it because he was projecting, knowing full well he was going to keep talking to other girls — he’s untrustworthy so he assumes you are.
I’m sorry. I wish it could be different, but this is a big problem with online dating – it’s easy for people to stay perpetually in the validation stage.
Let me ask you this — what else could you possibly have done with the fact that he said he had taken his profiles off the apps, but he had a profile and had changed his location?
So… I’ll lead with that I’m older, but I’ve definitely gone through being totally confused and lost on men more times than I can count when I was younger.
If a guy says he doesn’t want you seeing other people, introduces you to his family, and claims he deleted his apps, it’s perfectly logical to think you’re exclusive.
In this case, he clearly lied about the apps. The way I see it, your own peace of mind and closure are important. Communication is key, but realistically, this guy isn’t into you and wasn’t honest.
If you do reach out, I wouldn’t accept excuses or try to patch things up. If you just need to know what happened for your own sake, ask. If you need closure and don’t even want to talk to him, write out what you want to say, even if you never send it. Sometimes just getting it out can help with your mental health and perspective.
You didn’t do anything wrong. I just think things are a lot clearer if people talk, even if it’s just to close the door and move on.
Sounds like you read the tea leaves correctly.