My (32M) grandma died a few weeks ago.
Some context about me and my family:
I was estranged from my family for about 6 years in my 20s sorting out my mental health. Went to therapy about it, we’re good now.
My aunt (56F) has been estranged for about 15 years for a variety of reasons. Her last contact with my grandma was her saying she didn’t want to know when she died, and she also told that to my other aunt (62F).
Being aware of all of this, I made a calculated risk of inviting her out to brunch but not telling her it was because I’d be in town for the funeral. We had tried to connect over Thanksgiving but it fell through. So I figured I’d give it a shot this time, see if we could connect. I’ve always gotten along with this aunt despite her not talking to the vast majority of my extended family, in part because I also spent time away from them.
A few hours after we had made plans, I get a message. “Why didn’t you tell me my mom had died?”
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I did not know whether or not anyone had told her yet because ultimately that should have fallen on my mom or other aunt.
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Last I was aware she didn’t even want to know.
I apologized and told her the first point, but she kind of went off at me and called me super manipulative and even made a dig at how I had recently changed my name. I basically responded and said that yeah, it’s understandable she was upset but she did also hurt my feelings by calling me super manipulative, and that I’d give her some space to calm down. I also said that I was still willing to continue the relationship if she wanted, but if she couldn’t find it in her to hold me in any kind of esteem then we could go our separate ways.
She blocked me.
AITAH?
Comments
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My (32M) grandma died a few weeks ago.
Some context about me and my family:
I was estranged from my family for about 6 years in my 20s sorting out my mental health. Went to therapy about it, we’re good now.
My aunt (56F) has been estranged for about 15 years for a variety of reasons. Her last contact with my grandma was her saying she didn’t want to know when she died, and she also told that to my other aunt (62F).
Being aware of all of this, I made a calculated risk of inviting her out to brunch but not telling her it was because I’d be in town for the funeral. We had tried to connect over Thanksgiving but it fell through. So I figured I’d give it a shot this time, see if we could connect. I’ve always gotten along with this aunt despite her not talking to the vast majority of my extended family, in part because I also spent time away from them.
A few hours after we had made plans, I get a message. “Why didn’t you tell me my mom had died?”
I did not know whether or not anyone had told her yet because ultimately that should have fallen on my mom or other aunt.
Last I was aware she didn’t even want to know.
I apologized and told her the first point, but she kind of went off at me and called me super manipulative and even made a dig at how I had recently changed my name. I basically responded and said that yeah, it’s understandable she was upset but she did also hurt my feelings by calling me super manipulative, and that I’d give her some space to calm down. I also said that I was still willing to continue the relationship if she wanted, but if she couldn’t find it in her to hold me in any kind of esteem then we could go our separate ways.
She blocked me.
AITAH?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Reasons I might be the AH: I didn’t tell my aunt that her mom died when inviting her out to brunch
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You weren’t in the wrong; your aunt’s emotions clouded her judgment.
NTA
You are not responsible for the relationship she has/had with her own mother and the fact that she doesn’t know she died. She made all her own decisions.
My guess is the death of her mother brought up a lot of uncomfortable feelings and you “not telling her” gave an outlet for those feelings.
Nobody is TA here – you acted with the best of intentions – you apologized after having done what you though was the right thing to do, and it appeared not to be.
Grief hits different people, in different ways, and at different times.
You’ve no way of knowing the full story behind your Aunt’s relationship with your Grandmother, or the residual feelings (maybe regrets) she carries.
Ignore the use of ‘manipulative’ – accept you acted with positive intentions – give it time.
Grieve in your own way, support others around you, and in time you may find your relationship with your aunt does restart.
Good luck.
I feel this is a classic case of having her cake and eating it too…she wants both one thing and the other and they are at a paradox.
I think ultimately there were other people in the family that prehaps were more senior in the family to be the ones to tell her. I don’t feel it was your responsibility.
Do i feel you should have put a hey I’m in town for grandma’s funeral would you like to spend some time together?
But ultimately she said she didn’t want to know so people took her at her word and didn’t tell her. Don’t cry wolf and then expect it when people follow through.
In addition though…i was no contact with my grandma. I knew she was dying and i thought about it and decided that i didn’t want to make amends. She died. I still struggled with the fact that my boundaries for my best health meant a traditional relationship which should have been joyful (it was far from it) was strained and now never healed. Ultimately i made the right decision but I still feel bad for it. Your aunt is going through that process now. The difference was she wasn’t told she was dying so she didn’t get to decide if she wanted to build a bridge and say goodbye, or not. Now she never can.
Bruh, NTA. Your aunt legit said she didn’t wanna know when grams passed. You respected that, even if it’s a weird af request. Sounds like she’s lashing out cuz she’s raw from the loss, but that’s not on you. You were just tryna reconnect, which is commendable given the fam drama. Don’t sweat it man, grief can make people act weird; give it time, she might come around.
NTA. Sorry you’re family is jacked up. I would be VERY open with those you speak to about this so other family don’t start spreading rumors/talking 💩 about you.
You could have said, I wanted to break the news to you in person when we talked face to face. But the moment has passed.
NTA because you complied with her request, “Last I was aware she didn’t even want to know.” and “Her last contact with my grandma was her saying she didn’t want to know when she died,…”.