I (24f) was with my ex, let’s call her Erin (26f), for just about four years and we’ve lived together for the past two. It wasn’t perfect, obviously, but I really thought we had something solid since I let her live with me.
Anyway, flashback to last weekend. She she came home acting weird. Quiet all night, barely touched her food, kept checking her phone like she was waiting for some kind of sign. Eventually she just flat out asks me if I had a threesome in college.
I’ll be honest, it took a bit for my brain to boot up and actually figure out what she was talking about. And when I told her, that yeah, I guess I did. Sophomore year, two other girls. We were drunk, it was late, it was messy, and one time thing. I couldn’t even pick them out of a lineup now and can’t remember their last names.
I asked her why she asked this and apparently, my other friend told her since she ran into one of the girls I had the threesome with and the topic of me came up somehow, and the girl told my friend about the threesome then my friend told Erin.
After that, She gets all weird and quiet and says she’s not mad, she’s just disappointed like she’s my mom, and didn’t expect that from me. I told her, deadass, that I don’t need anyone over complicating my sex life that happened before they knew me. She says she thought I was different. I asked her, different than what? A grown woman who had a consensual and forgettable threesome in college? Girl, be so fucking serious.
Erin left the apartment the next day. Said she needed time and went to stay with her sister. I figured she’d cool down and come back. Nah. A few days later she texts me saying she can’t move past the image of it and that it changed something for her. Then she said she thinks she needs to end things. So I told her okay and that she could come get her stuff when she was ready.
Erin showed up two days later and saw all her things boxed up by the door. She looked at me like I’d punched her in the gut and asked if I wasn’t going to say anything. I told her she already made her choice and that’s that. Then she started crying and asked if I thought the last four years were a waste of time.
I said yeah, I did, because if you’re gonna throw away four years over something that happened before we even knew each other, what was the point? What the hell was I doing showing up for someone who was going to be this judgemental towards me. She was clearly ready to go, so I just helped her out the door.
Now she’s crying to our friends telling them I was cold and detached and didn’t fight for us, that I said it all meant nothing. And people are asking why I didn’t try harder or explain myself better.
But what was I supposed to say? Sorry I didn’t disclose some random night from years before we met? Sorry I had a sex life before her? Sorry she decided she didn’t like me anymore and I had the nerve not to chase her down?
Comments
NTA your ex gf has some major insecurities as it seems
You didn’t lose her over a threesome, you lost her because she was never secure enough to love all of you. That’s not cold, that’s clarity.
NTA. You did nothing wrong
It sounds like she projected her insecurities onto you and then expected you to grovel for it. You’re not wrong for standing your ground. It’s not your job to make her feel okay about your past.
LDefinitely NTA. IMO, she’s the one acting up. U had a life before her, simple as that. That ancient threesome ain’t indicative of who u r now. If she can’t handle that… well, u probs dodged a bullet, mate. Keep ur chin up, and don’t let her guilt-trip nonsense get to ya. Take this time to focus on u. Remember, you’re not yr past, man. You’re a whole, separate entity. She basically ditched ya over a ghost. Sounds more like her problem than yours, ngl. Stay strong, bro. 💪🍺
NTA lol it seems like this was a test for you to see if youd get on your knees and kiss her fkn feet. jokes on her, she took it too far and now she’s eating her words
This smacks of a relationship test where she wanted you to show her just how much etc etc. The thing is those tests are BS and bite the tester on the behind.
NTA!
You were honest, and it’s not like you hid anything—it just wasn’t relevant to your relationship now.
I believe this is fake
Honestly this sounds like she was just looking for a reason to go but when she found it and saw how you reacted, she realized she didn’t want to leave after all.
Typical “grass is always greener on the other side” type of bs.
Be thankful you’re rid. What else was there to “explain better”? She reacted absolutely batshit to something in your past you can’t change and has zero impact on your current life. If your friends have an issue with how you reacted to that, then consider if they’re real friends.
NTA.
ESH
You’re not to blame for your sex life before her. Erin is a fragile catastrophe, better off left behind. She’s a major AH.
You, however. I’m niggling, but I don’t think it’s quite fair to call the past four years a waste of time. You had some good times, and you learned a lot, probably, so you likely got plenty out of it. But honestly, it’s probably best that you went scorched earth and cut her off. So only like 0.10% AH.
She’s the one who decided your relationship was worth less than her ideals, not you. You just agreed. I suppose you could have tried to convince her, but that … that’s kind of not your job? She has to figure it out for herself. And she will, one day.
Man, that’s some insecurity. I’m a gay man in his 60’s and some of the things I did in my 20’s would make some peoples hair stand on end. Threesomes, orgies, sex parties, a bit of BDSM for a while, and had a blast. And I couldn’t tell you the names of the people involved, or recognise them if I bumped into them in the street.
I’ve never cheated on a partner, I’ve never disrespected a partner, and when I’m with someone I’m all in. I’m currently single and very happy, I’m the classic old gay pottering in the garden and enjoying my dogs. It’s like finding out that the little old lady next door with her prize winning cabbages was a biker chick in her younger days, and went through half the men in the chapter. Who we are now isn’t who we were then, and the fun we had in the past is something to look back on fondly, not be used as a stick to beat us with.
You did something in college that was fun, meaningless, and seemed like a good idea at the time. What two or more consenting adults get up to in the privacy of their own place is nobody elses business. It didn’t hurt anyone, and it’s not like you were doing it behind your partners back. It’s an OMG I can’t believe you did that, not a criminal offence. I think she expected you to go crawling back, and begging for her forgiveness, and you didn’t. You had enough self respect not to allow someone to disrespect and judge you on something you did years before meeting her.
She’s shallow and immature. At least you see that now.
ESH. I mean yes, her reasoning was ridiculous and her insecurities obvious.
But when she came back for her stuff it is equally obvious that she wanted you to talk it out and maybe try and move past her feelings. She was asking for another chance, and you totally blew her off, by the sounds of things because you were still angry.
Pretty poor way to go about handling major life decisions like the end of a 4 year relationship.
Heh
NTA.
It’s not like you slept with her mom or her sister before the both of you entered into a relationship together.
So she breaks up with you, but is upset and angry that you don’t beg to stay with her? Nope. You have self respect. She has growing up to do, on her own.
NTA. Who you slept with in the past is your problem, and unless it was with someone who is directly tied to your current person in a bad way, it shouldn’t matter. This is a case of her being insecure.
NTA. That is all
She shamed you for a sexual experience BEFORE YOU GOT TOGETHER and then complains that you didn’t chase after her and beg her to stay when she said she was done?! Lol, I’m sorry she’s so manipulative. NTA at all
wants to break up
“wHy didN’t YoU fiGhT fOr uS??”
Man, a game console is so much cheaper if you want to play games
Nta obviously
Updateme
Your ex was trying to manipulate you , expecting you to cry and beg for her back instead you boxed her shit up said see ya she FAFO NTA
NTA. This isn’t about the threesome in her mind. At least not deep down where she’s being honest with herself.
No this is about her insecurities regarding you. I can’t say why she’s insecure about you being in her life. Maybe things are going well and she has had bed experiences about previous relationships going south when things were going well, maybe there’s some past trauma, perhaps she’s thinking that she’s not good enough for you… the list goes on but you get the idea. This is about her and her inner reason why she’s feeling insecure.
The fact that you had the threesome…is just the rationalization that she’s using to protect her ego.
Until she gets some help to overcome whatever issue is causing her insecurities…she’s not ever going to get better about relationships. Today you and a threesome, tomorrow her next partner and the fact that he had a previous relationship with someone who she thinks is prettier than she is.
Yeah right, it takes a while to jog memories about the only threesome you have ever done. Please.
She’s being a woman in her reaction. She expects you to try and fight for it and cry about it. She is ending it and want you to beg and say no. A classic.
NTA you’re just way more mature than she is.
NTA. She basically condemned you for a sexual experience you had before you even met her, which didn’t affect her life in any way. It was her decision to break up the relationship. All you did was cooperate with her wishes.
This isnt real, and yes your an AH – She is allowed to judge you on past actions…
dont like it, dont make bad choices
YTA
Not even because of the past or how she handled it. You talk and act like some bad SNL skit portraying a fuckboy that sells fake Jordans all day. Interjecting “dead ass” and “be so fucking serious” doesnt make you tik tok cool.
Being edgy and cold when someone is going through an emotional crisis is supported only on reddit. In the real world. You die alone. You could have done what any other adult would do. Explain, console and reaffirm. You’re just broken.
Honestly you have 100% done the right thing, if she’s acting like this over one historic night how much can you really ever talk about now regarding your past without expecting some insane over reaction. Ypur response has been perfect imo, she can’t go from judgemental to wanting begged to stay
Just putting this out there. Engage with OP however you see fit but this is fake. Yesterday she posted and deleted that she was married for 3 years (she 27F, wife 28F) and they have a two year old daughter conceived through what I believe was invitro. Proof at the link below.
https://arctic-shift.photon-reddit.com/search?fun=posts_search&author=Internal_Set_2402&limit=10&sort=desc
NTA. People should ask about deal breakers early on. First 5 dates sneak in all your questions. Ever have group sex? Did you ever do porn? Do you have links in your bio! Sugar baby? It’s ok to have preferences. Just be up front about it and don’t waste anyone time.
AITAH? No, you’re not.
Your reaction was completely understandable given how this unfolded. When someone decides to end a four-year relationship over a consensual sexual experience you had before you even knew them, then acts surprised when you don’t beg them to reconsider—that’s not you being cold, that’s you having self-respect. You didn’t throw away four years; she did, and then seemed shocked when you didn’t scramble to pick up the pieces.
That said, there’s some emotional whiplash happening on both sides here. Erin clearly had some kind of mental image of you that got shattered, and while that’s her issue to work through, people don’t always process these revelations rationally. Her “disappointment” comment was patronizing as hell, but she might have been grappling with insecurity or inexperience rather than genuine moral judgment. Still, walking out and declaring the relationship over? That’s a pretty nuclear response that put you in an impossible position.
The tricky part is that once she saw those boxes, reality hit her differently. She probably expected you to fight for the relationship, to reassure her, to make grand gestures. But here’s the thing—you can’t chase someone who’s already told you they can’t move past who you are. That’s not coldness; that’s protecting yourself from someone who’s basically saying you’re not acceptable to them as you are.
Your friends criticizing you for not “trying harder” are missing the point entirely. What exactly were you supposed to try harder at? Apologizing for your past? Convincing someone to love you despite their newfound “disappointment” in you? The foundation of a solid relationship is accepting each other fully, not conditionally loving someone until you learn something that makes you decide they’re not who you thought they were.
The one thing I’d consider is whether this conversation could have gone differently if you’d both taken a breath and talked it through more deeply. But honestly, given her immediate reaction and decision to leave, I’m not sure it would have mattered. You handled someone walking out on you with dignity, even if it looked different than what she expected.
NTA.
I really HATE the “fight for us” in some contexts. “Hey, I’m jealous and insecure about a threesome that happened before we even knew each other and which meant nothing to you, and I’m leaving you because I can’t get over it. Fight for us”. Like WTF??? You fight for us, go to therapy, overcome your insecurities, don’t throw 4 years over something in the past.
I HATE that phrase.
This feels more like she was looking for an excuse to break up for you already and this was her really dumb catalyst to do so and then she regretted it impulsively because lol why would anyone care otherwise? That’s an insane thing to get upset about let alone just say the relationship is over. I would have done the same thing you did. In an ironic twist it seems like it turned out she actually wasn’t who you thought she was
Sounds to me both of you wanted a way out, she initiated it, you executed it.
She was insecure and testing you, she wanted you to chase her and beg her to stay. I think for those reasons though, you’re probably better off to not be tired to someone who needed external validation that way or test and manipulate people because they are insecure. Insecure people often end up having affairs later because they run instead of seeing to understand their partners or being vulnerable and admitting they are insecure and need more validation than the normal person, it’s just easier to look for it elsewhere so they do. You were honest, you were hurt but her judgements, and you were valid to feel that way after being judged for a one night stand before you guys ever met. Your friends are not good friends if they are so easily convinced by someone else of your character because that person was emotional when relating their side of events, like did they even check in on you to see if you were ok? How you felt and thought? What your side of the story is?
NTA
I wonder what would’ve happened if she didn’t find out until you were married with kids and a house together?
It was silly of her to act like she was wronged by something you did before you even met her. She backed herself into a corner on this one. She wanted you to grovel to get her back but you shouldn’t have to grovel when have nothing to apologize for. She was drama-shopping & blew up her relationship.
NTA She tried to shame you for a past that had absolutely nothing to do with her and then wanted you to beg for forgiveness for something you don’t regret and barely remember! This is a failed attempt at manipulation at its finest. She wanted to leave and you let her, there is nothing wrong with that. What you SHOULD be concerned about is your so called friend telling your gf something when it wasn’t her place nor her business to tell! No one should be speaking about your past sex life without ur consent presences or knowledge! Who does that??? Your “friend” should have come to YOU like “hey I ran into ole girl and she said blah blah” NOT running to tell ur gf WTF! U need new friends and definitely a new girlfriend! Good luck to you!
You’re both TA. Should have tried to help her through the hurt instead of harshly reprimanding her. Likewise, she should not have broken up over it.
This is what men deal with all the time btw.
She fucked around and found out. Oh well. Actions have consequences and now she knows the error of her choice. She handled this all wrong, on every level, in every way. You handled this perfectly, on every level, in every way. You have healthy self-esteem and it shows. Thank you for modeling the correct way to handle such fuckery.
NTA. Why didn’t you try harder of explain yourself better? Because you have no obligation or desire to do so. The last 4 years WERE a waste of time because you invested feelings into a judgmental, self absorbed, 26 year old who is furious that the 20 year old she thought she groomed in college wasn’t a virgin. No amount of explanation or trying were going to FIX HER.
(1) why “fight” for a relationship, when “fighting” consists of groveling and conceding to her false narrative that you’re a POS, then staying in a relationship where she’ll always look down on you? (2) tell her you “can’t get past the image” of her telling you she’s “disappointed in you” because what, she “thought you were a virgin”? (3) she didn’t even have an ask. She just unilaterally decided “I think I’m done now, no way to fix you”. So she’s got nothing to complain about (4) she’s 26 and you’re 24. She was 22 and you were 20 when she groomed you. Tell your friends that it’s NOT your job to be the “mature one” and make her feel better, especially she is the one who broke up with you. (5) she is Holden McNeil in Chasing Amy and judging you and breaking up over things that predated your relationship. It SHOULD make her feel bad. If you had said “these 4 years meant a lot to me”, would that mean she expected to still be “friends”? It’s not your job to soften the blow, or to be anything other than “somebody that she used to know” at this point.
NDA play stupid games win stupid prizes. She made a choice, would it change something if you “fought” for her? If yes she just wants the drama.
Yta. Shoulda told her.
You should have said you would be up for a threesome again if she was. Maybe that would have calmed her down and if not then hopefully wisened her.