I started dating this woman, a very lovely person that I met on hinge. Everything has been wonderful and she’s truly amazing but at the time I was under the impression that she was (32F) per her dating profile informations.
Fast forward to yesterday, we were spending time together and I decided to help her complete and online form. She was having difficulties with certains part so I decided to take it from there and help her. As I’m filling the remaining information I find out the year of birth she puts doesn’t match with what I knew at the time and that she was 6 years older than me instead 3 and so she’s actually (35F) Naturally I asked her about it. She then started telling me how she doesn’t assume being in her mid 30s.
Now I have nothing against age gap. In fact I always found myself having more success and fun with women slightly older than me. The problem is that :
-
This is something I discovered on my own. It makes me a bit anxious about what else she could hide to me. And on top of that I believe it’s my right to decide to if I want to involve myself with someone based on their real identity.
-
When we started talking I was pretty explicit that eventually I wanted to have a family of my own. I’m 29 and I just now finally got a decent career job that allow me to provide for more people but at the same time I’m still not there yet, I wanted to give myself at least another year or 2. Her being 32 aligned with my goals for more time to settle down with my own house and everything but if she’s 35 and I decide to wait a bit longer she risk not being able to have children and if she does have some they risk some biological deficiency and I think it isn’t fair to bring someone to life knowing they could experience hardship that’ll make it even harder for them.
I don’t necessarily want to break things with her but at the same I have my worries and I was wondering if someone went trough the same challenge and if so how did it turned out ?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Leave. She’ll lie to get what she wants and won’t care about its impact on you.
If you stay, don’t be surprised when she ‘accidentally’ gets pregnant far earlier than you ‘both’ planned to.
You have to leave.
She lied about her age in order to match with, date, and have sex with people who would not have consented if they’d known the truth.
That’s gross and shows a complete lack of respect for the agency of the people she wants to date.
It’s not just the lying per we that’s a worrying factor: it’s the unhinged take about the age that usually hides other very red flags.
I think you need to put your trust into someone that reciprocates it on the same level and your well thought-out stance about kids is extremely legit and valid as well.
Lying on a dating app, who would do that? Yeah OP it was probably a small thing to her but your reasons are legit, I’d just leave now before you get invested.
OP, everything on this post is window dressing except this fact: she lied. She has no problem lying to you. I would seriously reevaluate your entire relationship – has she been less than truthful about anything else? You now know what she’s capable of. Act accordingly.
Lying is lying. I wouldn’t continue to see someone who lies about something so easily verifiable and also so stupid.
have an open and honest questions with her. did she think you would never find out? what about continued relationship? possible children?) age gap difference and fertility…. if either of you want them). seems communication is severely lacking for you both, and tbh open communication is TOP priority for a healthy relationship. have the conversations and the based on her (hopefully at this point) honest answers, make your decision on wether you can trust her moving forward and build something with? or if maybe moving on with your life with someone a little closer to your age is more what your searching for. after all she can be a lovely great woman, but if you want kids and she doesn’t? kinda a deal breaker….
I was 18 when I dated someone who lied about their age. Turns out he was 29. I was upset at first about the lying over something small, but moved on and dated him for nearly 4 years.
And yeah, he lied a lot over the years.
I would go with your gut instinct.
Does she even want kids? There’s lots of things to discuss here but I know it’s a new relationship so you might not have discussed a lot of them with her yet.
Lying liars lie. When I was dating a lot of men lied about their height. I didn’t see those men again no matter how great the date was because lying liars lie. If someone is lying about something so easily verifiable they’ll lie about other things too.
She’s absolutely comfortable lying right to your face for her own benefit. Your relationship is a farce.
INFO:What does “she doesn’t assume being in her mid 30s mean?”
Flagging that many women have babies later in life with and without reproductive assistance. I agree that the lying is the issue. Good luck, OP.
What do you mean they risk some biological deficiency? Are you sure about that? That’s not really accurate. Yeah, risks like Down syndrome go up a bit after 35, but most babies born to parents over 36 are totally healthy. “Biological deficiency” is a weird and fear-y way to put it—age is just one factor, and prenatal care today is super advanced. “Biological deficiency” is inaccurate and screams, “I get my science from bros on fb.”
That being said, if you want to wait a much longer time to have kids and don’t want to rush into that, then just break up. News flash: people lie on dating apps a lot. It shouldn’t be news to you. But if you don’t want to feel rushed into having kids (though you still can but if you feel that is a challenge) then just break up. Easy. Not even worth a Reddit post. It’s too early in the relationship to be having any problems. You don’t need Reddit to approve the breakup. Just do it and move on.
Sounds like you discovered something a lot more important about her than her age … that she is a liar and shows no remorse for lying. Unless you want to be lied to going forward about anything and everything, take your exit here…
“Naturally I asked her about it. She then started telling me how she doesn’t assume being in her mid 30s.“
What does this even mean?
Like she doesn’t feel her age?
Christ, I’m 90 and I feel like I’m 30. JK, but you get the point.
Either way, it’s lying and it makes you wonder what else she’d lie about.
My brother has done this to countless people. He gives different ages to people he meets (romantic or not) and then gets caught up in the lies. He also tends to lie about what he does for a living, as well as bunch of small and big stuff. I’ve see him lie in person, on dating apps, and even business cards.
I could never trust someone who lies about their age. It’s insecurity and it’s so super financial. Also, what else are they so easily mending and molding to their liking?
My ex lied on a dating app about his age as well. It was a 1 year difference. Again, it turned out he lied about a ton else too. If someone lies about that I think it shows their character.
Is she even apologetic? Or just a careless attitude about having lied?
This isn’t a small thing. My mom started having kids in her late 30s and we’re healthy, so it’s not that she can’t have kids, but lying is a problem. Lying to keep someone from making an informed decision about whether or not to be in a relationship is a big problem.
What else is she lying about? And what else would she lie about in the future?
She lied because of your reason 2, thinking that women are expired in their mid 30’s
But she is also wrong for lying
Unpopular opinion apparently, but I think people change their age by a few years all the time on dating apps. When someone is 40 and pretending to be 28, that’s obviously nefarious. But 32 to 35 isn’t a big difference. And honestly from like 32 to 37 you’re just in your mid thirties. If there are other red flags, definitely look into them further. But personally I wouldn’t consider this a big deal. It’s not like she tried to hide her birthday, so to her it just really wasn’t a big deal. If you had asked, she would’ve told you her age. She may not even remember what age she has on her profile.
Does the app change your age as you age or does it keep the same age you entered when you sign up? If it’s something she has to change manually, she really may not have thought about it at all.
Wow…
So much entitlement here. I hope you figure out why your #2 aspect will keep you from finding a reasonable, or happy relationship. I hope you realize that people are not check boxes on a list of attributes…
Good luck.
Lying isn’t good but I’m not going to tell you to immediately end the relationship over this. Perhaps she’s just insecure about her age, feeling time catching up etc. Have a further conversation with her, explain how her lying made you feel and that you don’t find it acceptable and see from her reaction if you want to continue things from there.
My ex lied about her age by a few years too because she thought the age gap would turn me away. She ended up lying about anything that made her uncomfortable, including about the men she was seeing on the side while I was at work. Oops.
Find someone who will be honest with you.
Does it matter? When your hearts speak?
I didn’t read your full story. But my opinion:
When she lied about age- im sure she didn’t plan for seriuos relationship, lied about age cos she wanted to up her chances to have good time, talking, interacting, to try to have fun.
So, when your relationship developed to more deeper level- im sure she was torn inside and it was hard to prepare to tell the truth, always something happen that its feels its not right time now. And its dragging on…
She has gonorrhea
Break up! She’s 35, single for a reason, likely ran through, has no problem lying/gaslighting you! Meet a 27yr old that’s honest with less baggage and just let this one go!
I went on a tinder date where the woman started the date at 35, and ended it at 63 with a few stops in between. She definitely had a little more going on. At 63, she was almost 20 years older than me at the time. I am not sure I would have been ok with that, but I’m also not sure I wouldn’t have. The lying made me sure. I understand the incentive (as it honestly may have changed my ferie to meet), but nothing is going to change that fact. We all need to be honest with who we are and understand that might mean we aren’t the right fit for someone else. Age is a factor. Being someone who lies to avoid hard truths is a different factor.
Your girlfriend lied to you, which obviously isn’t great. You also posted looking for dates on a different sub just a few days ago, which also isn’t great is it? Just end it now