Me (26M) and my gf (25F) have been having some issues lately. My personal account username is obvious hence this burner account.
So ive been away a few weeks travelling by myself, but whilst I was away she felt distant with me. I was several hours ahead (time zone) but we did both speak when we could. When I came back I was so excited to see her, but it just wasn’t the same for her. We spoke about it and said she enjoyed her personal space. For content we have a mortgage together and lived together for 3 years. Been together 7
This hurt me because the feelings weren’t mutual, but I wasn’t completely surprised because she has been giving me the cold shoulder here and there. Sometimes the effort on messages isn’t the same, sometimes she can’t be bothered etc.
But we had another chat and laid it all out. She told me she loves me as a person but right now she doesn’t know if she loves me in a relationship way. And she’s felt this since start of the year. Kind of, she’s unsure exactly because her heads a mess.
For nearly a year now her mom has been suffering with pains and we all found out start of the year it was stage 4 cancer. This has understandably broke her. I’ve been by her side and supporting her through this the best I can. I encourage her to spend as much time with her parents as she can.
So when she found out about this she said she was going to be more selfish and think about herself more. Which again I’m fine with.
I personally think she’s struggled to deal with her mums situation, because in regards to grief she’s still feeling it about her gran who passed away 4 years ago and even her grandad who passed away 12 years ago. She stills feel resentment that she was deemed too young by her family and wasn’t able to see him before being taken away. She has always struggled to open up emotionally about some things and wear her heart on her sleeve which is fair. Everyone deals with their emotions differently.
She says she loves me so much as a person and cares for me so much but when I asked her about the future she said she can’t see the future in general because the future she always envisioned involved her mum and now that’s not going to be the reality anymore.
Furthermore she has been miserable in her job for quite some time as well. She works in the medical sector. She does start a new job in a few weeks. And I work in finance and I’ll admit that I’ve been consumed by work. There’s been times in the past year where she’s wanted to go for a walk, or spend time together and I’m just pushing it aside because I’ve been so work orientated. And then when I feel like I’ve got time she’s already got plans with her friends and then I get annoyed. And that’s shitty of me. So she feels annoyed at me regarding that stuff.
Pass 2 months she’s been going out for drinks more and hanging out with her friends. This has kinda of made me feel unwanted because she used to share everything and she’s admitted to hiding some silly things because she thinks that’ll cause a bickering or argument. I’ll put my hands up, I like thinks done a certain way so sometimes I am like oh this still isn’t done or why have you done this like that. And that’s something I’m trying to improve. To let go of my bad habits, toxic traits. The hiding info she’s done isn’t a big deal, it’s stupid things. But I get that I sometimes moan about stupid things, no excuses for it. I need to do better
So to kind of summarise she’s hating work, still not grieved properly for her grandparents and it seems like she’s already grieving her ill mother.
It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve been back from my trip and I haven’t moaned about anything stupid and she said she’s noticed and appreciates it.
We do have a trip booked for abroad end of August, it was booked after I was back. She told me she feels annoyed at herself for agreeing to it because she does want to be selfish and felt she only booked it to make me happy.
For context we travel a lot together. I guess that’s been my motivation to work so hard so we can take lots of holidays. But I have been neglecting the fun personal moments back at home so we can go on trips. And I told her that was stupid of me and if she doesn’t want to go on this trip no hard feelings. We have agreed to just be natural with each other and not to force things.
We said we will take this week by week. See how she’s feeling. She went and did ayahuasca and still didn’t really get anything from it in regards to what she was wanting.
In her own words – she’s so lost and confused.
She says she enjoys spending time by herself more and going out with friends etc because her mind is off. She feels distracted.
Do I remind her of home and does that trigger all her issues in life right now ?
We are going to strip everything back to the basics. Despite being super comfortable with each other and our bodies, we will keep it like a friendship. No touch, no kissing and no I love you. And not going to lie, last night was the first night and it just felt so wrong not giving her a cuddle and kiss telling her I love you. Same again this morning before we went to bed. We both had shit sleeps and she says well because we do say it and have done for so long, it is going to feel weird.
So what I want to ask you all is, has anyone experienced anything similar ? Have you or your partner felt lost in your relationship because your personal life was turned upside down ?
We have spoke about therapy but we both want to try this first for a few weeks, see if her mind changes. She feels guilty because she doesn’t feel the same way right now and feels so sorry but I keep telling her, I completely understand. Maybe right now she needs me to be her friend more than her lover. Everyone deals things different and I know it’s destroying her what’s happening with her mum.
She did say she’s been trying to figure it for so long and thinks what if this is right person but wrong time because of everything going on and her feelings of grief, stress and anxiety. I said I want to be with you during your worst and best moments. I don’t want us just to go our separate ways whilst you’re dealing with everything right now. Is that because that’s how I would want her to be with me if this situation was flipped ? I don’t know.
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> We are going to strip everything back to the basics. Despite being super comfortable with each other and our bodies, we will keep it like a friendship. No touch, no kissing and no I love you.
Okay…. Whose idea was that? Because it seems like a really bad one. Things like this will only damage the relationship.
It’s understandable that she’s going through a lot and it sounds like you have been focusing on work a bit too much and not really making time for her. I think the best course of action would be 1) she goes to therapy to cope with everything going on 2) instead of taking trips away, you focus your free time on helping her out. Spend time with her parents yourself (they are your in-laws!). Cook, clean, drive her places, do chores around the house or her parents house. Make her life a little easier. Show your support by actually being available and prioritizing her.
I hate to say this but this is really normal and expected based on the info you’ve given. She’s spent a lot of the last while not being a priority for you because of work, so she’s found other ways to find fulfillment with friends etc. Then this year she gets devastating news and you’re still prioritizing work, so she’s found other supports and spends more time with her friends and you get frustrated. Frustrated enough about enough things that she instead starts to just hide things from you so you don’t fight. To me it sounds like she has had to build herself a life separate from you so she can have the support she needs, and while she still loves you having you leave completely for 3 weeks has been the proof she was waiting for that she actually might be happier on her own. I once heard someone say that the competition for men with women isn’t other men… it’s joy of being alone and it’s really true. It sounds like in a lot of ways your relationship for you was just routine and for her has been a bit of a drag. Add in your ages being the age where you start thinking hard about your future, the devastating news of her mums diagnosis, and the seven year itch… you have a recipe for breakup here my friend.
I think all you can do right now is let her know you want her to be happy and be supportive and wait to see how it plays out. If you love bomb her or all of a sudden chance dramatically just to win her over, it won’t be a sustainable win. You’re going to have to let this one play out and hope for the best for yourself I think.
She has checked out. She is planning for her future without you. Distancing her self emotionally from you is the beginning.