Hello,
I’ve been with my fiancée for a while and we’ve had a bumpy relationship but we’ve grown. Right now, there are big changes such as moving and job changes as such but recently we talk about our families and us. I love my fiancée very much and I know she means well especially since I’ve been very distant with my mother and father lately because I’ve been busy with trying to look for a better job and gain a little success for them to be proud of because they’ve been helping me so far and I don’t want to ask more from them. So I’ve kept my distance because I have this little “shame” inside where I’m hesitant to talk to them about these things because I want it to be good news like getting a new job but the fear of them thinking like “I’m here to ask for things instead of just casually talking” sets in. Cue, my fiancée, she gave me a lecture about talking to them more consistently because there will come a time that I won’t be able to talk to them and it’ll be too late. I of course understand this, family especially the mother and father that take care of me always want to know how I am especially my mother because I’m the only child. However my fiancée suddenly seaways saying “I am unable to live without my family but I am able to live without you.” and then she continues with “You probably can’t live without me because you don’t know how to manage yourself.” A hurtful choice of words given that I’ve worked hard to get where I am, have been trying my best for my self, her and of course my family. And then she talks about how “Men can’t live without women and Women can live without men.” I’m not here to start a debate but just share what she told me in our discussion. In all of this, she just talked but every time I try to share my part she just says “Just listen.” and then the discussion ends with me getting nothing across. Please know that I love my family and my fiancée very much but I just want to have a more constructive and supportive conversation with her.
So, I just wanted to ask how I could discuss with her about how she could just at least listen as well to my side. Because I wanted to get words in but she has a tendency not to listen and even shut it out.
Thank you.
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All I took away from this is that you should call your parents more. They’ll be happy to hear from you, they don’t think you’re calling for money and even if you were, they just want to hear from you. As a mom, she just wants to hear your voice.
Distancing yourself from them because you think they may think you’re asking for money is ridiculous. Cowardly. A waste of the time you have with them on the planet.
I don’t see what “side” you have. You’re being ridiculous.
Her additional comments were unnecessary. If you’re going to talk about anything, let her know that those statements hurt your feelings.
But if sounds like maybe she’s right? Only child, used to relying on others, very egocentric (only child)….still unnecessary to say out loud.
Your girlfriend is right about your parents. Your reasons for distancing yourself from them are silly and you may regret it later. Life is short and a new day is guaranteed to no one. That said, your girlfriend’s follow up commentary was mean and unnecessary, and I think you have a right to express to her that it made you feel crappy.
You and your fiancee need to work on your communication before getting married. Getting lectured like you are a child is not communicating, it’s controlling. Get some books or couples counseling. Try some of the techniques. This will not magically correct itself.
Also grow a spine, both with her and your family. You don’t need to be perfect you just need to be trying your hardest, people that truly love you won’t judge they will support.
I mean this in the gentlest way possible, do you think that maybe you’re receiving her advice as hurtful because you know she’s right?
She’s right. You should call your parents more. You will probably regret not having spoken to them more once they’re gone, and then there won’t be anything left to do about it.