Hi Reddit. I hope this post complies with the community guidelines because I really need some help on this topic and I have tried to adapt it as much as possible to the community guidelines.
I (27M) recently got out of an 8-year relationship that left me in a deep depression. I’ve been slowly trying to rebuild emotionally. One of the people I trusted most during this time was my friend Mark (also 27M). All names in this post have been changed for privacy. Just for context I talked this whith my psychologist and she told me I should look for new friends who share my values.
We’ve been close for almost 10 years, even when we have seen each other a few times a year. Even though we’re very different in values and personality, our friendship was always based on honesty and emotional support, something I really needed after the breakup. But after what happened this past weekend, I’m seriously questioning whether that friendship is worth keeping.
Recently, something happened that broke the trust and left me wondering how to move forward.
Mark had been talking to a girl named Emma [F24] that he met at work. They had connected before, but she got into a short relationship with someone else. After her breakup, she and Mark started talking again. From what I know, their communication wasn’t flirty or romantic, just friendly, but they talked a lot and about personal things (As far as my friend told me).
A few weeks ago, I met Emma for the first time, not knowing she was someone Mark had been in touch with. After meeting her, I told Mark that I found her attractive. He told me, `Thats the Emma, the girl i told you i was talking´. I was very clear that if he was interested in her in any way, I wouldn’t pursue anything. He told me he understood, and it was totally fine that. That if he wasnt interested in her, it would be totally fine if I did end up talking to her.
I also want to add that, years ago when I had just started talking to my now ex, Mark told me he thought she might like him. That really hurt at the time, but I told him honestly that if something happened between them, I’d support it and be happy for them. That was tough, but I meant it. I said it because I truly believed it.
Fast-forward to now. Mark and Emma came over to my house for a barbecue (They are still just friends or starting to know each other). We had a long, relaxed day, food, pool , deep talks. Emma and I ended up connecting a lot. We talked about what happiness means to us, our views on relationships, how we see life, and our mental health state (She has a very difficult life and doesnt have any family to support her). We agreed on pretty much everything. Mark, meanwhile, had very different views. Emma even told him You might see things that way and thats not bad, its just your friend and me have another way to see life, we are just different on this´. One of the topics that came that day wasIs it okay to date a friend ex?´, i told my friend i would be mad if he just have something casual with an ex, but i would totally understand (Even if it hurts at the beggining) if hes truly interested on my ex and the feeling is mutual. Emma said “i think the same, it would be a shame to lost the connection you might have with someone just because of the way you met him”. I didnt thought she was talking about me, but then i thought about it and was pretty obvious.
Important detail: I didn’t flirt with Emma. I didn’t make any comments that could be taken the wrong way. But it was clear that she was more focused on me than him. That day they were going to go dinning to a restaurant, but Emma said she was tired and didnt wanted to go to her place, change clothing and then going to the city to dinner, she would prefer to just have dinner with us on my place. I told my friend “I understand if you guys want to go out and spent time together as a couple, but if you want to stay at my place, i would also love it as im having a good time, you can do whatever you prefer”. They ended up having dinner on my house. She barely gave him attention that day, and it was obvious enough that he later commented on it too, and we talked about we both felt she liked me. That day Emma asked for my, and another friend (Who was there just like one hour) our instagrams.
That night, Mark said stuff like:
“She’s too emotionally unstable.”
“I’m not going to get into anything with someone who’s mentally off.”
“She doesn’t know what she wants.”
“I didnt know she had that kind of depression.”
“Shes just another one that went bad.”
At one point he even told me “Fck, ill have to fck another one to forget this one”
He also said something like, “She’ll probably message you on Instagram.” I told him that if that happened, I’d not give her conversation, and would send him a screenshot, just out of respect.
The next day she did talk to me on insta and i stopped the conversation, it was just a joke to start conversation. I was thinking on how to told my friend about it, because i liked the girl too and it was hard to me to stop talking to her (But i did). That day, he told me that he had decided to just be friends with her. So I send him the screenshot of how i didnt start taking to her,and said, “Okay, if that’s the case, I’d like to talk to her.” I reminded him that I’m not someone who dates casually. He’s the kind of person who seems to be meeting a new girl every now and then and who boasts that he tends to casually date, while I’ve only had 3 partners, each one a serious relationship. I told him it’s rare for someone to catch my attention like this. So I would love to have his “agreement” for me to talk to her.
That’s when he exploded on me. He said I had crossed the line, that I was being selfish and unempathetic, and that I didn’t care about his feelings. He brought up my breakup, implying I was just desperate for female validation. His tone changed completely, and it honestly shocked me. I told him how i didnt do anything and how i never tried to talk or flirt with Emma. He told me all the stories i uploaded to instagram were to tease the girl to talk to me. I told him “You know im at a very bad moment of mental health, and i upload a lot of stories because it helps me get start conversations with people so i feel better and less lonely”
I told him (really affected) that all this issue made me notice how lonely i feel after my breakup and how that girl might have been more that just a girl for me, as she was like the hope of stop being lonely and having a better relationship than my last one, where i felt so unvalued. His answer was “Yeah, but that dont justify what you did” so i got mad and tried to stop talking with him to calm down and think on how to continue talking about this issue.
To avoid drama, the next day I ended up blocking Emma without explanation, after a mutual friend came my home told me Mark wasn’t doing well emotionally and I shouldn’t ruin a long friendship over a girl. That i should understand that he just lied about this one being “another one” or that he felt “less valuable than me”
But the truth is, what hurt me most wasn’t the girl, that did hurt me a lot, honeslty. It was that I had been completely honest with Mark from the start, respected his boundaries, and still got told i was betraying him and he could belive i was doint this. That i just wanted to flirt with this girl because i need female attention to feel the void my ex left on me, that he could understand that, but it didnt justify any of this behavior.
And honestly, this wasn’t the first time I had buried something just to protect the friendship.
During my last relationship, my ex went through a long period of poor physical and mental health. Intimacy basically disappeared for years. One day, during a manic/euphoric phase, she jokingly suggested a threesome in front of Mark. I assumed it was a weird joke, but Mark didn’t. He started making serious comments about “Well, if you guys want that, im open to it, but just if its what you guys want” and even showed a photo of his privates to both of us. Later, when I told him it made me uncomfortable, he said, “I show it to all the friends in the group.” I chose to let it slide back then to avoid making things awkward, even thoughi thought on cutting the friendship in that moment.
Now I realize I still carry resentment for that. And after what’s just happened with Emma, I’m starting to feel like Mark isn’t the person I thought he was. The worst part is that I didn’t even act on anything, I held back from someone I connected with out of loyalty to him.
I’m not sure if I can keep being close friends with someone I no longer trust. But I also don’t want to ruin something that’s lasted a decade just because of one argument. I also know that if i stop talking to them i would lose the friend group (Which is the only friendgroup i have here in my city, the other friendgroup is like 35 mins away in car).
I dont know if im overreacting because of a girl i liked. The thing is i feel like ive already lost the relationship with Mark because i no longer trust him, and other friends told me “You are losing a new girl you could develop a friendship or even a relationship over a friend you already know you no longer trust and dont want to keep, you should just talk to her”.
I would love to apologize to her and tell her i think what i did was so mean and it wasnt my intention but i was overwhelmed with the emotions and if she wants to keep talking i would love it and if not i would understand it.
The thing is, for me that would be a betray to my friend, because we ended up agreeing that i wouldnt talk to her. Even if i dont feel confortable with Mark and i dont feel like the friendship will be the same anymore and i dont even think i want to keep it, he has been a friend for a long time and i dont want to hurt him, so im thinking on messaging him and tell him i think our friendship is no longer working and i would prefer to put distance between us. In that case, i would feel like i can talk to Emma without being dishonest with Mark.
Do you guys think im being unempathetic with a friend? My other group of friends listened to me and told me i did more that enough and i didnt made anything bad. That i should just talk to Emma and if Mark doesnt like it is his problem, but for me thats dishonest and betraying him.
What I’d like advice on:
I’ve been thinking about distancing myself from Mark, since I no longer feel comfortable around him or trust him the same way. The problem is, I’m not sure how to approach this. Part of me feels I should just message him and explain how I feel, but I worry it would only lead to another emotional argument with no resolution. The stress from our last conflict already affected me physically, and I don’t think I can handle more of that. Another part of me feels I might need to block him to protect my mental health, though I i think that would be extremely disrespectful. I’m torn on how to handle this the right way and keep my mental health intact at the same time.
I would love to apologize to Emma, even if she doesnt want to know anything more about me. At least i think she deserves an explanation of why i did block her and what my thoughts of all this were. But he would interpret this as a betrayal if I haven’t spoken to him beforehand. What would be the best way to handle this? Other friend group told me i dont owe him any kind of explanations, but i think thats too selfish.
TL;DR:
I got out of an 8-year relationship and am currently trying to rebuild emotionally. A close friend (Mark) was romantically interested in a girl (Emma) he’d been talking to, though there were no clear signs she felt the same. When I met her, without knowing she was the girl he’d mentioned, I told him I found her attractive. I also made it clear I wouldn’t pursue anything if he was still interested. He said he understood and that it wouldn’t be a problem as long as he wasn’t making any moves on her.
Later, we three met at my place (other friends canceled), and Emma and I really connected. I didn’t flirt or make any moves, but it was obvious she was more focused on me than on him. He also noticed it. The next day, he said he’d leave things with her as just friends, so I told him I’d like to get to know her. That’s when he exploded, accusing me of breaking the “bro code” and looking for female validation after my breakup even if it cost our friendship or his emotional wellbeing.
To avoid conflict, I blocked Emma, even though it hurt. What bothers me most isn’t the girl,it’s how Mark reacted despite me being honest and respectful the whole time. I also realized I had pent-up resentment from years ago, when he crossed boundaries with my ex and I let it slide.
Now I don’t trust him, and i would love to apologize to Emma, but if I talk to her without cutting off the friendship first, I’d feel like I’m betraying Mark. I don’t want more pointless drama, but I also don’t want to lose a potential connection because of someone I no longer feel comfortable calling a friend.