I feel such a loser typing this, but I have to get this off my chest.
Five years ago, I bought a house with my boyfriend, about a 5min drive from my parents. We went to visit many houses in a 20mile-radius, but this was the only house my parents approved of.
Four years later, we deeply regret our purchase. It’s too far away from our friends and my boyfriend’s commute takes up to 2,5hours one way (vs 40mins-1hour in the region we would like to buy, which is only a 20min drive from my parents). Additionality, we would like to try for a baby and this house is just too small to start a family. It always has been a “first home”.
My boyfriend and I both have high paying jobs, so it’s not that I need my parents’ money. It’s more that they freak out when we tell them about wanting to move. They have already cut all contact with family members, so they truly are all the family I have left. Additionaly, my father has been very violent during my childhood, so I am afraid about any consequences of “disobeying” him.
I feel stuck. I’m afraid my boyfriend of many years will leave me because of this (and truly, I cannot blame him). He has been very supportive, but even his patience is not endless.
It’s not even only the house: my parents forced me to add me on life360. I am a manager at my job, but feel like a toddler in my private life.
Is there any diplomatic way to handle this?
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He drives TWO AND A HALF HOURS to work and then ANOTHER two and a half hours home? What the fuck — did I read that right? But 20 minutes away would take 40 minutes? Clearly he is driving the wrong route…
Sell your house, move, delete life 360?
They haven’t forced you to do anything. There’s no gun to your head. Listen to their advice then make decisions as a couple. If they get mad, let them.
That bf is a better man than me, if I had to drive 2.5 hrs each way for yours I woulda left a long a time ago.
This is a part of your life where you’ll have to decide what’s more important to you, a family that’s holding you back from the life you want to live or a potential family you build yourself.
Cut contact with them
Tough love time. You need to set clear boundaries with your parents and if they can’t respect them, it’s time to cut them out. It is YOUR life. YOURS. You’re 26 with a husband and you want all the normal things like a baby, a home that will fit your family when it grows, and a decent commute. Your parents are insanely controlling and you need to decide now if you’re going to let them dictate the rest of your life and ruin your marriage. If your Dad is violent, do NOT let him in the house (if they have keys, change the locks BEFORE you set the boundaries) and get an alarm system. If he instigates any sort of harassment or violence, get a restraining order. This is your life. Just because they are your parents doesn’t mean they own you. It might be painful and messy, but I assure you making choices for yourself and your husband to live a happy life and start a family will bring you so much joy, and so much freedom. Plus, when you have a baby you will see things in a different light and get how easy it is to just love your kid and support them. What your parents are doing is abuse. It will suck if your parents decide not to be a part of that and support you, but that is their choice. All you can do is give them the option to be there and follow through if they don’t respect you.
No, there is not a diplomatic way to handle this. It’s going to suck. But you need to. I assume you are not dependent on your parents? If not, what can they actually DO? They can cry and complain but if your father does something violent he should be put in jail.
You are almost 30. At what point do you get to start living your life for you?
> They have already cut all contact with family members, so they are truly the only family I have left.
Sounds like that was either by design so no one could challenge your father on his behavior and treatment of you, or the rest of the family just got sick of their nonsense. And either way, you’re a grown adult. If you want to reach out and establish your own relationships with these people, you’re perfectly free to do that. Or build your own family out of supportive friends, if the dysfunction isn’t limited to this particular branch of the biological family tree.
Bottom line, your parents are the ones who have created this situation where you either do exactly what they want you to do regardless of what’s best for you, or they make it impossible to be part of their lives. If they don’t like how that keeps working out for them, maybe they should do some self-reflection and make some changes. They probably won’t, unfortunately, but that’s not a problem you can solve for them, let alone by sacrificing your own life and opportunities so they don’t have to face the consequences.
Move, delete Life360 (WTF?), and if they get mad so what? Cut contact if you have to.
And seek therapy. You are way too enmeshed with your family.
It is time to cut the cord with your parents. They might not like it, and it will be difficult, but if you want to live an independent life and do as you and your partner wish, you gotta let go of fears and their potential disapproval. You’re an adult now. You have every right to move where you want. It is SO not fair to your boyfriend to have to drive so far for work! Life is not all about your parents.
Girl, you are an adult. Delete the 360, find another house and move with your supportive boyfriend. If your parents threaten to disown you that’s on them and their controlling ways. You don’t want to be controlled anymore but you need to take that step to be okay with their disappointment. Small steps!
Stop telling them your business. Dont discuss it. Sell your house and move. Tell them after and say “we made the best decision for our future.” Repeat as necessary, no further discussion.. and turn off and delete the tracking. They can’t force you without your cooperation
girl
Just. Move. Find a place that you like, where you like, and sell your house. Don’t say anything at all. Delete the life 360. Do it right now. It’s OK. What is the worst that can happen? They’ll ground you? Take away your birthday? Not talk to you? Not talking to you seems like it would be a great break. You have the power to fix all of this. Allow yourself to be uncomfortable when they get mad. It doesn’t actually affect you anymore. They aren’t authority figures in your life anymore; they’re peers now. You CAN break this cycle. Delete the app. Start there. You are not in trouble. You didn’t do anything wrong. If they get mad, that’s for them to manage.
I’m not sure what the problem is. You’re an adult. Move.
You need therapy and to cut the cord. They aren’t forcing anything, you keep going along with them because you’re used to it and it’s easier.
Time for the hard things, which are definitely going to really suck for a while. Delete Life360. Make moves with a realtor to find a house in a better location and sell the current property. Get therapy, ideally someone who specializes in enmeshment and unhealthy family ties. Use the therapy to help learn how to put your parents on an information diet.
Your parents are not reasonable people, so there is no diplomatic methods that are going to work on them.
You’ll have to grow a spine.
Don’t discuss your moving plans with your parents. Live your life and tell them when the papers are signed and the plans set. If your father becomes violent, call the police. You are an adult with an adult partner. Put your big girl panties on!
Yes: Sell the house, don’t let your parents talk you into doing what they want you to do and focus on your relationship with your boyfriend. Remove yourself from life360.
You are an adult and your parents need to realize that and let you live your life. If you let them continue not only this relationship will fail but all future relationships as well.
For heaven ‘s sake, OP.
I can’t believe you are even asking that. Therapy for you, OP.
As an adult they only have power over you that you give them. Take back your power. Stop telling them things. Your husband is your priority. Sell the house and move
Stop telling your parents info. Stop running things by them and don’t ask for their permission. Go purchase another home — make it contingent on selling your home. If you are on your parents phone plan, get your own. Tell them to save money for their retirement. Don’t do the 360. Start setting boundaries. Enough is enough.
Go to therapy. You were physically abused as a child, and that has developed into emotional abuse now that you’re big enough to hit your father back. But changing the nature of the abuse doesn’t change the fact that your parents are abusive. You need to learn to set boundaries, and that includes cutting your parents out of your life if they cannot accept that you are an adult who will live as you see fit. You say they cut off other family members, but you are capable of looking up those people on social media and should do so if you want contact with them. I’d suspect that the cutting off ran the other way, with your relatives getting sick and tired of your parents’ abuse and total disregard for anyone else’s autonomy. They’d probably be very happy if you reached out and asked for emotional support.
Please get therapy and cut the cord. Go buy a new place and don’t tell your parents until you’re moving. Turn off Life360. You don’t live with your father. You can call the police on him. I know this all sounds terrifying and it is, but you cannot continue to live your life for your parents. A counselor will help you navigate learning how to disconnect from them.
You can reconnect with your other relatives. You can also gain chosen family by making friends. Blood family doesn’t have to be the only family you have.
Your bf isn’t going to put up with this forever. Take action before it is too late. Put them on an information diet, starting with uninstalling the tracking apps. Make up an excuse and play dumb if you need to. Don’t tell your parents about moving until after the fact. Involve police and legal if they cross boundaries. Why are they no contact with their own families? Is it because their family calls them out for their controlling behaviour?
Do what you want, and let them be mad. Reach out to the other family members they made you cut off. Don’t tell them your new address if you’re worried about your dad being violent.
They wonky have as much control as you give them.
Put your parents on an information diet.
Delete Life360.
Get married and buy a new house together or split up because you shouldn’t be buying houses with someone you’re not married to
I want you to think about what would happen if you got a new house . I mean really what would happen. Would they be mad? So? I mean, what would really happen? They would yell at you? You could always not open the door to them and not answer their calls.
You’re used to them being in charge of you all of your life and now you’re an adult . You get to make your own decision
NTA. Diplomatic way? I doubt it. But you have every right to tell them under NO uncertain terms, I’m selling the house, we are moving, and delete Life 360. You are an adult – act like one.
No. There is not a diplomatic way to handle this.
You delete life 360, you make plans with your BF without consulting or including your parents.
I really encourage you to start therapy to help you extract yourself from this toxic mess you have with your parents.
Stop letting them. You are an adult. What are they going to do? Stop talking to you. Okay, you’ll live. Seriously, they can only control you as much as you let them. Don’t let them track your location. Don’t give them a key to your house. Go low contact or no contact if you have to. They don’t own you, and they can’t control you unless you let them.