UK based – if anyone has any practical advice or help, or just some kind words about how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.
TL:DR: my 73 year old father recently (over the last few years) separated from his partner and has been on the brink of homelessness for the last few years
So my Dad was with his partner for 18 years. His income was always through this small business he had which was doing pretty well for his whole life. Over Covid, he was one of like 30,000 unfortunate people who didn’t qualify for furlough (can’t remember the reasons but they were valid) so basically meant he went 2 years or so without making any earnings, and his business has since gone bankrupt in the aftermath.
Before Covid, he always rented a place and then went to his partners Thursday – Monday. During Covid he could no longer afford his rent and it also made sense for him to move in with his partner so he did that full time. Fast forward a few years ago, she basically had a mental breakdown upon realising he has no money, and kicks him out (she’s also not well, found out she tried to commute suicide a few times over her life and has been diagnosed as a manic depressive). He goes to his brothers for a while, then his friends, now he lodges in a friends house with the (literally like £700) he gets each month from his state pension.
He’s always made very bad financial decisions – him and my Mum split up when I was young due to this. Even when he had money he never saved any of it or used it to buy property etc. it also came out that his ex partner was incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative and was horrible to him for years (he never told us this, only after they broke up), so them getting back to together is a big no.
He’s also incredibly negative and to be frank can be super annoying. He doesn’t actually DO anything that would help his cause – he’s going after some book project that won’t earn him any money instead of focusing on commercial projects that me and my siblings are literally begging him to focus on. He keeps saying he will look at assisted housing options, and only finally did this recently when I threatened to stop talking to him until he did.
Sounds a bit weird, but I also don’t know him that well. I’m the youngest of 4 siblings all of whom are a lot older than me, and him and my mum split up when I was so young that my memories of him are dinner once a week and often offering me money (ironic). However, he is a kind and sweet man, and during this whole period it actually feels like we’ve got a lot closer – I call him every few days and he would cry a lot to me on the phone when him and his partner split up. My siblings find the emotional stuff super hard too.
Whilst I’m glad we are closer, the emotional turmoil of this is getting too much. Me and my siblings don’t have the financial abilities to support him, and the one time my brother did, he spent it all and then asked for more. He doesn’t have anyone else he can stay with, though his lodging is stable for now.
Any advice about literally what to do, and/or how to deal with the emotional side would be really appreciated – thanks for reading
Comments
That’s heavy. You’re doing way more than most would, and it’s okay to feel drained. He’s still your dad, but you’re not his savior. Push for housing help, set boundaries, protect your peace. You can love someone without sinking with them.
Man, that’s rough bruh, feel u hard on this one. Had fam in a similar spot. But if I’ve got one hot take, it’s that u can’t save someone who won’t save themselves, no matter how much it hurts. U’re doin’ what u can, but he’s gotta meet ya halfway. He’s gotta figure out his own finances, can’t live off others forever. As for the emotional side, find some1 professional to talk to, it helped me a ton. Wishing ya all the strength, mate! Keep ya head up! ✊💯
Damn dude, rough sitch. Honestly, ain’t sayin’ this to be a dick, your old man rly needs a reality check. Man’s gotta prioritize his wellbeing over a maybe book deal. Consider an intervention, like for real. Emotional support is A1, but he’s also gotta learn to tread water himself. As for u, dunno if u heard ’bout CAP (Christians Against Poverty), but they’ve got free help even if u ain’t religious. Fam situations like this suuuuck, but don’t let it sink ya. U got this, mate. Take care of urself too, aight? Good luck!