Ever since I (25f) became sexually active at 18, my sexual partners were never serious relationships, until now (I’ll get to this later). The man I lost my virginity to at 18 was 28 and I felt like I loved him, however he did not feel the same but still agreed to be friends with benefits (horrible decision for me to make, I know). A couple partners I had after him were the same, avoidant type of men with commitment issues. I felt like the only time I felt any sort of “love” from them was during sexual intimacy, which led me to have a high sex drive. I really craved that love and affection from them, even if it wasn’t real.
I am now in a relationship with a very secure, committed man who shows me copious amounts of love every day. However, since this is the only relationship I’ve had that’s more than sexual, I feel as though I am struggling with my desire now more than ever, and it’s frustrating because it should be the opposite, since it’s reciprocated love that I’m experiencing now. This is the explanation I’ve told myself, and please let me know if you agree or not…
I had a “high” sex drive in my past with uncommitted men, because that was the only way I would feel close to them. And now that I do have a very loving partner in a labeled relationship, my sex drive has lowered since I’m not relying on physical intimacy for “love” anymore. He shows me love in many ways outside of that, which I’m so grateful for. I’m just frustrated at myself because this is new for me. I’m usually very easily aroused (and I still am if he initiates), however I don’t feel as much desire to start things as I did in the past. And I have noticed a decrease in my desire for sex. It’s also harder for me to get mentally aroused as before, though this could be because I was SA’d a couple times around a month before I met my now boyfriend.
I think I tie a lot of my self worth in my sexuality unfortunately, and I’m frustrated that I’m not as sexual as I once was, and I want to get back to that “nymphomaniac” type that I honestly think I was in my past. Sometimes I notice myself trying to force myself to get in the mood, but I know that’s unhealthy. I know this might be a lot to unpack. The craziest part is, this is the best sex I’ve had in my life, so shouldn’t I be craving it more? None of my past partners cared much about my pleasure, but it’s the opposite with my boyfriend. I literally get off almost every time, sometimes multiple times and I literally feel so blessed.
But then also frustrated with myself that my desire is not as high as it once was. Anywho, please let me know what you think of all of this.
Comments
Maybe you are getting enough care ryt now that your body doesn’t need to show more of sexual desire. It happens that when we are not loved emotionally we crave for physical needs such as sex , hug and touch. So in your case mostly you are really getting all sorts of emotional and physical need ensured by your partner so your body doesn’t need to ask your conscoius or subconscious mind for it. It is ryt now out of the survival mode and settling. So nothing to worry about it is quiet normal I guess.
Then it happens with females that at times their body don’t desire sex but at times do a lot
no bc i feel this so bad. like why did i wanna smash 24/7 w men who didn’t gaf, but now i got someone who actually cares n i’m just like??? 😫
You already answered your own question in the post you made, you mistook ” love ” for ” sex” and sex for ” care “, basickally your high sex drive was because you wanted to be loved, as you believed the only way you would receive that ” love ” was through sex, in another word the sex drive was due to the desire to care as you equate sex to care
But, what’s the need for high sex drive now, he give you plenty of care without it, you don’t need to initiate aex to receive care from someone that loves you naturally now do you
The lack of sex drive is because you realise, that you dont need to have sex to experience care and sex is not the same thing as care, so why would you have the sex drive then, all you need to do to receive care from him is just to be around him, so it’s normal that it will lower, this just mean you understand that even without sex you would have love
Also did you report the sx assault to the police such people should go to prison
Also if the high sex drive is only of the symptoms of past emotional trauma i highly suggest you give therapy a chance so you can recover other emotional wounds so they don’t affect your current relationship negatively, if you partner love you treasure it don’t let past scars ruin it, because from personal experience love is hard to find but not that hard to destroy