My grandmother passed away last year and left me her two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. Some people in the family were surprised, but I wasn’t—my cousin’s side had been estranged for years, and I was the one who stayed close and helped her as she got older.
I’ve been slowly renovating the place to use occasionally when I’m in town. A few weeks ago, my cousin reached out asking if she could live there “for a while.” She works in a low-paying field and says she’s barely affording rent. I told her no.
Honestly, I don’t think it would be temporary. She’s bounced around apartments for years, and I don’t want to be stuck in a long-term situation I never signed up for—especially with family. I also just… don’t want her living in a space my grandmother left specifically to me.
She was furious. Said I don’t even need the place, and my aunt called crying, saying I was punishing her daughter for old family drama. I offered to help her with a deposit elsewhere, but that apparently wasn’t enough.
Am I the asshole?
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My grandmother passed away last year and left me her two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. Some people in the family were surprised, but I wasn’t—my cousin’s side had been estranged for years, and I was the one who stayed close and helped her as she got older.
I’ve been slowly renovating the place to use occasionally when I’m in town. A few weeks ago, my cousin reached out asking if she could live there “for a while.” She works in a low-paying field and says she’s barely affording rent. I told her no.
Honestly, I don’t think it would be temporary. She’s bounced around apartments for years, and I don’t want to be stuck in a long-term situation I never signed up for—especially with family. I also just… don’t want her living in a space my grandmother left specifically to me.
She was furious. Said I don’t even need the place, and my aunt called crying, saying I was punishing her daughter for old family drama. I offered to help her with a deposit elsewhere, but that apparently wasn’t enough.
Am I the asshole?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refused to let my cousin live in an inherited apartment
2) She needed the home, and it was given to me by our shared grandmother
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
You are NTA.
You were selfish and your grandmother put you in a bad position by excluding your aunt and cousin from her will. (actually maybe they inherited plenty – do clarify please.) By accepting the inheritance you have made a choice about your relationship with the rest of the family. That is your right and may be a good choice – the only caveat is that you should not pretend that those people should like you.
NTA. It will be long term if not forever. Landlord rights are nill in NY
NTA. It’s your space, your decision.
NTA. Let her in, and you might have a hell of a time getting her out. You’re entitled to use the apartment however you want. You’ve obviously made better choices than your cousin if you can afford to keep it and renovate it. Also, I’m not too familiar with how things work regarding condo/coop boards (I rented for the ten years I lived in NYC), but would you even be allowed to let your cousin stay long-term?
NTA – she can live with your Aunt if she’s struggling that much. That she got that mad speaks volumes… she expected a free place to live “because family”
No. Unless you want to define “For a while” as “always.”
I assume it’s a co-op, what are the common charges?
if she can’t afford rent she will not be able to afford the common charges in most NYC co-ops.
NTA You’ve almost certainly saved yourself a lot of trouble. I doubt there was any way to avoid a negative reaction from them — only one to delay it, by letting her move in. Getting her out later would have probably resulted in infinitely more stress and conflict. You may well have gotten out of it with the minimum of conflict and hassle possible.
Of course she’d like to move in and live there indefinitely, settling in deeper and feeling more entitled to living there with every passing month.
NTA. Tell her to go live with your aunt. Let her in the door and you’ll never get her out.
NTA.
If you want, you can get a solid lease and have terms in it saying how much she has to pay and when she has to be out by, be it 6 months or a year. And have actual lawyers write it up, so that you will have solid grounds for eviction if it comes to it. And make family aware that she signed a lease and has to abide by it or she will be evicted.
NTA
What’s yours is yours.
I will admit to being curious, though:
> to use occasionally when I’m in town.
Just how much use do you get out of it? Where do you primarily live?
And is this an apartment or a condo? Are you paying rent, or just fees?
NTA – I think many forget that in taking it on, you also took on the property taxes, upkeep and more that are involved with owning a unit in NYC. It is one thing to rent it to her at a reasonable price to cover all current and potential expenses, and another to give it to her for a cost that you are assuming. That is valuable real estate, and it would probably be advised to actually consider renting it as it is an expense to maintain.
An UES apt OMG what a dream! Just here to say I’m jellin on ya OP! Live your best life. You aren’t gonna win in this sitch, any way you slice it.
NTA. Just tell them you have another tenant lined up who signed the lease.
NTA you are under no obligation to let anyone live in YOUR apartment. You are probably right that she will never voluntarily move out. Grandma made her wishes clear. Don’t let the extended family make you feel bad about it.
I would be concerned you would have trouble getting her to leave, if you ever needed or wanted her to. Why can’t she stay with your aunt? Offering to give money for a deposit was very generous.
NTA It definitely won’t be temporary. That will cause you problems in the long term. Why can’t she live with her parents? That was generous of you to off her money. Her turning it down tells you she’s wants to stay permanently.
NTA
It’s yours. Period.
Of course it’s not enough they want you to basically move her in and definitely she wouldn’t be paying rent. She would use family as an excuse and trust me having family in your own space is not ever a good idea if your cousin has issues with housing they should go to other family members or your aunt who seems to have something to say maybe your cousin needs to get two jobs or a better job instead of depending on you
NTA. Unfortunately there are consequences for actions. They could have had money problems but they could have still been there for grandmother. Isn’t it amazing how people expect other people to actually support their shortcomings. They can be mad all they want but I’m not inviting anyone else’s drama into my life
NTA Once you let this cousin move in, you will never get rid of her and you will have to resort to legal action to recoup your losses and get her out (lost rent, HOA fees, upkeep etc). Why doesn’t your aunt who is so concerned let her daughter move in with HER? Or why doesn’t she help financially? Your cousin is not your responsibility and simply stating your boundaries (no relative moves in to get free rent) is not being rude at all. It is being a realist.
NTA and their reaction tells you everything you need to know about having to deal with her in the future.
NTA and PLEASE continue to stand your ground on not letting her move in! You already know how that will go. She most definitely thinks your spot will eventually be hers if she lives there long enough and more dust will kicked up when the time comes to kick her out. You’re doing the right thing and also it’s YOUR home to do with as you please. Your aunt has no business telling you what to do with your property. She should let your cousin live with her if she wants to butt in.
NTA – if grandma wanted cousin there; she would have left it to the cousin.
Don’t do it. NYC laws make it that you’ll never be able to get rid of her without spending thousands and legal fees
If you let her move in, she will change the locks and challenge you for the ownership. Do not do this.
INFO: I assume she wants the place rent free?
Because from what I’m reading, the chance of her affording a market rent on the Upper East Side is zero. Average rent for a 2-bedroom there is something like $7,000 a month.
NTA
Absolutely not the Asshole. There are so many air bnb horror stories of not being able to get people out of their homes. If you had to evict her, it could take up to a year depending on how the courts work where you live. I think you made the right choice. I have a family member in a condemned house and I know the shit show of o offered her an extra bedroom. Not happening. And if they pull the “being a good Christian” card, tell them that sometimes the best thing as a Christian is to get out of the way and let God do his work.
NTA.
You’re 100% correct – once she’s in there, you’re never getting rid of her, with NYC rents. She’s not your responsibility; the apartment was left to you.
NTA family doesn’t mean you owe anything.
NTA. You believe she will turn this into a long-term icing situation. Just that alone is enough explanation for me.
Trust your instincts that this would not end well for you.
NTA. She will never leave.
If this had been for a couple of weeks, she wouldn’t have been furious. She totally was planning on moving.
“my cousin reached out asking if she could live there “for a while.”
—She will never leave. NTA.
“my aunt called crying, saying I was punishing her daughter”
—Tell the aunt that she is punishing her own daughter too since she is not offering up her own place.
NTA for not letting her move in but your grandmother was mildly TA for the favoritism.
Nta. Trust your gut
NTA. It’s irrelevant if you need it. And irrelevant that she has a low paying job or struggling. It’s yours, not anyone else’s. Grandma left it to you. I’d change my number and go no contact with these entitled people.
NTA … she will squat there and never leave
Ugh…the Family card is played again. NTA. What has she contributed to the family? Debt? Drama? That’s not what you need. Your grandmother was wise to give her home to you, the responsible one.
Once inside, you know she’ll never leave. Change the locks. Lock the windows. Do some home security: CCTV, motion detectors, and ring cameras. Make it look as unattractive to her as possible. (Some people who “just want to look around” or “drop by to see what you’ve done” get nervous about places with recording devices on 24/7.)
She needs to adult and GTFU already. If your aunt’s so concerned, she can take her in. Don’t give her a penny, No amount will be enough for her.
NTA. Make sure she doesn’t figure out a way to scam her way into the apartment while you are away. Update the security system if you can.
NTA.
Just tell them that your grandmother told you clearly that she did not want any other family member living in this apartment and you are just upholding her dying wish.
Nta.
The entitlement! A “punishment” is taking away something someone already has.
This is just not … giving away something that belongs to you.
NTA. I bought my grandfather’s place and let my aunt stay there in a similar situation. (She didn’t ask permission to move from the trailer to the house and sold the trailer) It’s been nothing but a headache since
Why so many dashes?
No you are not, notice when they don’t get what they want it’s you that is greedy or selfish or whatever,
Don’t let them get in your head, you don’t want to end up with squatters!