We’ve been together for 7 years, married for 1. Every other aspect of our relationship is great. I feel very fulfilled emotionally and romantically. We take care of household chores in an equitable way that we both are happy with. She’s reliable when it comes to holding down a job or not over spending or any other general fucking around that gets posted here a lot.
But when it comes to “adulting” I feel like all of that falls to me. I’ll give a few examples:
When her last vehicle died and she needed a new one quickly, I was the one to find one (I got a great deal on a car that she has always wanted), I got it financed for her, I dealt with the salespeople and the paperwork. She didn’t help look around at all.
All I asked her to do was to get her old car scrapped or sold. Its been almost two years since then, we’re lucky our landlord hasn’t said anything about a dead car sitting in the parking lot.
Whenever we move I’m the one that finds a new place, deals with landlords, sets up utilities, etc. etc. She has never helped with that, even when we were desperate to find a place and I asked her to start applying to places too.
She had a health issue that I was very concerned about and I begged her for years to get it checked out. She finally did and thankfully it was benign but that was years of anxiety I didn’t have to go through.
Most recently we found out that she has about $10k in collections debt she didn’t even know she had. We have some savings thankfully (was supposed to be for a honeymoon vacation) and I asked her to call them and see what could be worked out, but she hasn’t done that either.
There are other examples but I think this illustrates the issue.
I try to be gentle and remind her to take care of these things, but it just doesn’t work. She says these things give her anxiety and when I give her a deadline to get them done she cries. I feel terrible about it, but my sympathy is running out. I told her that if its that big of an issue to talk to a therapist and get medicated (I’m medicated bipolar, I understand its difficult) but she won’t do that either. I feel like there is only so long I can accept her not helping herself. Its beginning to feel like an excuse.
Lately, I’ve found myself wondering if I really want to deal with this for the rest of my life. If there isn’t someone else out there that would fulfill me, and also be a better partner. Maybe we’re just not as compatible as I thought. I feel terrible about these thoughts.
Any advice from other married people? Is this just a part of being married?
TLDR: My wife doesn’t help with “adulting” things and I’m beginning to have doubts about our marriage.
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It sounds like she has an anxiety disorder. She should be getting treatment for that.
You need to sit her down and really tell her that this is becoming a major issue that she’s not taken care of responsibilities and she’s not taking any steps to address it . She needs to realize how much it’s impacting you before you decide to check out of the relationship.
It’s unfair of her to not let her know how big of an issue it is
Its not the craziest thing in the world that one person in a relationship takes care of the type of stuff that you described. Usually falls on the breadwinner.
The only thing that gives me pause is her debt. I would have issues with someone that is careless financially.
It sounds like she may have either or both an anxiety disorder and some executive dysfunction.
These are not uncommon symptoms of ADHD in women. Not an excuse but a possible reason. Women are woefully underdiagnosed in childhood or young adulthood and often don’t receive a diagnosis until later in life when they are in having one of their kids screened.
I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 44.
It’s not that she can’t do those things-she would on her own if she had to. But you are currently enabling her.
I really think this might be one to take to a couples counselor who, if they’re worth the paper their LCSW license is written on, will come to a similar conclusion and recommend that she be screened for a few things.
That puts you almost in a parent/child dynamic. She sounds like she might have something going on mental health wise, but she is still responsible for owning that and seeking treatment. You don’t have a partner right now. It sounds like you are having to do all the “adult” things. My husband has ADHD and has executive function issues in certain areas and I feel like I’m parenting at times. And it is definitely frustrating. Even though my husband has a legitimate neurodivergent reason as to why he struggles with executive function, he is still responsible for learning to manage it and manage its impact.
Your wife is also responsible for her side of this relationship. One thing I’m learning is to not try to step in and save them or fill the gaps, even when it affects me- which is hard. Ie, her collections thing is on her to deal with and call. It’s her credit, don’t keep reminding and pushing. The car- don’t do that for her. She needs to participate in it and own it (buying the new one or getting rid of old). Let the consequences fall based on their actions and don’t try to save them from it.
Sorry you’re going through this. It’s so hard when you love them and there are some really great things about the relationship. But this is also a big thing.
Sounds like you should have an open, honest, and firm conversation with her about how much this upsets you. She will either understand and step up or not. You need to decide what you will and will not tolerate. In our family, I am the person that handles all of the adult things. However, if I ask my husband to do something, I expect him to help out. Decide what is a deal breaker for you and communicate that to her. You shouldn’t have to care for her like she’s a child. If she was on her own, who would take care of this stuff?
Has she always been like this? If so, have you always taken care of things for her?
The most loving thing any one person can do for their partner is handle their own shit. That means:
Sometimes people need help, in the form of medication or therapy or coaching, to handle their own shit. There is no shame in using help to live your best life.
And there is no shame in expecting a partner to handle her own shit. Right now, your wife isn’t a partner. She’s a dependent. Eventually you will find that unsexy and unserious, and the seeds for the end of your marriage will be sown.
The most loving thing you can do right now is handle your own shit by letting your wife know she needs to handle hers because how she’s living is becoming a problem for you.
My husband and I have a house meeting every Monday after work. We discuss our weekly schedule, appointments, happy hours, meal planning, chores, and update our finance spreadsheet. We both write this down in our respective notebooks. Then we make a grocery list, chore list, and task list. Then we assign a “gold star” to each item that needs to be accomplished. We review the lists before we break, and agree to finish everything by Sunday night. Most importantly, no one is the “task master”. You have a task, you’re an adult, do it. Certainly we can ask each other for questions or advice, but you own it all the way to the finish line.
If something doesn’t get done, the onus is on the person assigned as gold star to communicate that clearly and as soon as they know. For example, “I had two very late workdays and didn’t take the batteries to the recycling center”. “I am swamped and don’t think I’ll be able to pickup that birthday present for my mom — would you have time to do this?” If, at the next Monday meeting, the task is not complete and it hasn’t been communicated, then it’s a discussion about why the obligation wasn’t fulfilled. We try to be gentle and understanding when possible, but don’t shy away from saying “that’s frustrating, you should have planned your time better because it put a dent in my day running around to get a present”. Either way, expectations are super clear, regularly discussed and written down, and our discussions are straightforward.
This probably sounds extra, but honestly it’s a nice time to connect over a beer or tea, makes our week feel organized and on good footing, and takes us less than an hour. Bottom line is, you need some kind of written, agreed upon list and regular check-in to be able to start showing where she’s falling short or point to where you feel things are unfair. Take the guesswork and unspoken annoyance out of the equation. It has changed my marriage (I used to resent my husband for not taking on the mental load, too.)
I have a partner with ADHD and the avoidance of big and small tasks is real: whether it’s anxiety about making a mistake, analysis paralysis and being overwhelmed about where to start, this is some executive functioning issue she needs to address. I would suggest before you throw over the relationship having her look into an assessment.
But I will tell you even though she may get better she will not ever be as good as you are at it. This can require some couples counseling on how to divide tasks and set reasonable expectations for each other.
You do need to let her know that her lack of taking care of these things is making you rethink the relationship. She needs to know how serious the issue is so that this information will, hopefully, spur her to action of some sort. Seeking a therapist or psychiatrist seems like a good place to start.