I 21 (Male) hit a very rocky patch with my partner, 22 (Female). The other day we went to a ticketed event local to my girlfriend’s town and i came to stay for the event and slept over. I woke up the next day and my partner asked me to leave a bit early, as her grandparents were coming over to see everyone.
I, being respectful and understanding, said sure and made no fuss in leaving as it was asked by my girlfriend to. I then got home from driving to a text from her mum for ‘walking out early’ and ‘leaving her (my gf) very upset”. Which made no sense… I was asked to leave?!
I then, the following day, got a very spiteful message from the mum again. Basically saying i have no respect for my gf. She then continues to stick her nose in my and my partner’s business and basically said she has no interest in our relationship and indirectly said she hates me and will make sure her daughter knows it .
Her Mum then continues by saying i “ignored” my partner all day. We had an argument the night before and i decided to back off from the situation and leave her space and to allow my gf to come to me in her own time when she was comfortable.
Then accuses me of not paying for my ticket for the event, “leaving her to pay it out her own money she earned”. This is nowhere near true. The day tickets were bought, i asked for the subtotal cost of the ticket, and bank transferred it that day (I have screenshotted bank statement proving so)
I then sent a message defending myself, saying i put so much care and respect toward your daughter, making a lot of financial and personal choices based around her meaning i have had to miss out on jobs, events i woulda liked to go to and other things. I then directly challenged her comments regarding the unpaid ticket, and said that’s not true and to check your facts before stating such allegation.
Her mum read the message, and ignored it. Now, 3 days later. My gf texts me stating that her mums wants to make amends and that she is happy to put it in the past on the condition I (yes, me) apologize first and show i am making the effort to build bridges.
I instantly resisted, saying i currently refuse to apologize as her mum chose to send the message, make untrue accusations about me and withheld the information she messaged me to my gf. I said i am happy to work on building bridges for the sake of the relationship. But i strongly feel her mum is the one responsible for making and issuing the first step by apologizing, considering she was the one who began the argument
Am i the asshole? Should i be the one saying sorry to secure the relationship? Am i right to stand my ground and say her mum should apologize?
Thanks everyone! Have a blessed day!! 🙂
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I 21 (Male) hit a very rocky patch with my partner, 22 (Female). The other day we went to a ticketed event local to my girlfriend’s town and i came to stay for the event and slept over. I woke up the next day and my partner asked me to leave a bit early, as her grandparents were coming over to see everyone.
I, being respectful and understanding, said sure and made no fuss in leaving as it was asked by my girlfriend to. I then got home from driving to a text from her mum for ‘walking out early’ and ‘leaving her (my gf) very upset”. Which made no sense… I was asked to leave?!
I then, the following day, got a very spiteful message from the mum again. Basically saying i have no respect for my gf. She then continues to stick her nose in my and my partner’s business and basically said she has no interest in our relationship and indirectly said she hates me and will make sure her daughter knows it .
Her Mum then continues by saying i “ignored” my partner all day. We had an argument the night before and i decided to back off from the situation and leave her space and to allow my gf to come to me in her own time when she was comfortable.
Then accuses me of not paying for my ticket for the event, “leaving her to pay it out her own money she earned”. This is nowhere near true. The day tickets were bought, i asked for the subtotal cost of the ticket, and bank transferred it that day (I have screenshotted bank statement proving so)
I then sent a message defending myself, saying i put so much care and respect toward your daughter, making a lot of financial and personal choices based around her meaning i have had to miss out on jobs, events i woulda liked to go to and other things. I then directly challenged her comments regarding the unpaid ticket, and said that’s not true and to check your facts before stating such allegation.
Her mum read the message, and ignored it. Now, 3 days later. My gf texts me stating that her mums wants to make amends and that she is happy to put it in the past on the condition I (yes, me) apologize first and show i am making the effort to build bridges.
I instantly resisted, saying i currently refuse to apologize as her mum chose to send the message, make untrue accusations about me and withheld the information she messaged me to my gf. I said i am happy to work on building bridges for the sake of the relationship. But i strongly feel her mum is the one responsible for making and issuing the first step by apologizing, considering she was the one who began the argument
Am i the asshole? Should i be the one saying sorry to secure the relationship? Am i right to stand my ground and say her mum should apologize?
Thanks everyone! Have a blessed day!! 🙂
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I 21 (Male) hit a very rocky patch with my partner, 22 (Female). The other day we went to a ticketed event local to my girlfriend’s town and i came to stay for the event and slept over. I woke up the next day and my partner asked me to leave a bit early, as her grandparents were coming over to see everyone.
I, being respectful and understanding, said sure and made no fuss in leaving as it was asked by my girlfriend to. I then got home from driving to a text from her mum for ‘walking out early’ and ‘leaving her (my gf) very upset”. Which made no sense… I was asked to leave?!
I then, the following day, got a very spiteful message from the mum again. Basically saying i have no respect for my gf. She then continues to stick her nose in my and my partner’s business and basically said she has no interest in our relationship and indirectly said she hates me and will make sure her daughter knows it .
Her Mum then continues by saying i “ignored” my partner all day. We had an argument the night before and i decided to back off from the situation and leave her space and to allow my gf to come to me in her own time when she was comfortable.
Then accuses me of not paying for my ticket for the event, “leaving her to pay it out her own money she earned”. This is nowhere near true. The day tickets were bought, i asked for the subtotal cost of the ticket, and bank transferred it that day (I have screenshotted bank statement proving so)
I then sent a message defending myself, saying i put so much care and respect toward your daughter, making a lot of financial and personal choices based around her meaning i have had to miss out on jobs, events i woulda liked to go to and other things. I then directly challenged her comments regarding the unpaid ticket, and said that’s not true and to check your facts before stating such allegation.
Her mum read the message, and ignored it. Now, 3 days later. My gf texts me stating that her mums wants to make amends and that she is happy to put it in the past on the condition I (yes, me) apologize first and show i am making the effort to build bridges.
I instantly resisted, saying i currently refuse to apologize as her mum chose to send the message, make untrue accusations about me and withheld the information she messaged me to my gf. I said i am happy to work on building bridges for the sake of the relationship. But i strongly feel her mum is the one responsible for making and issuing the first step by apologizing, considering she was the one who began the argument
Am i the asshole? Should i be the one saying sorry to secure the relationship? Am i right to stand my ground and say her mum should apologize?
Thanks everyone! Have a blessed day!! 🙂
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA you already know why, I’m sure everyone who’s sane can read this and tell you that you did nothing wrong, why should you apologize for this?
NTA.
BUT
Mum wants power. Daughter is very likely going to bend to this. You have to decide if you want a relationship with a young woman who has this kind of mother hanging over her. Mum is asking for an apology because it is a sign you can be controlled. If you give it, you are telling her she’s in charge.
So you can give the apology or not depending on what you want. If this young woman is worth dealing with such a mother — probably for the next several DECADES — then go ahead and apologize.
In deciding whether or not your gf is worth it, I would ask your gf what she thinks. If she is not willing to stand up for you, then this is a bad relationship.
You will have to decide if this gf is worth the frustration from having a mother-in-law that will only interfere more and more.
NTA – if you were refusing to apologize or make nice after the mom apologized, then yes you would be the AH regardless of if you were in the right. But the mom starting the fight and then saying she wants to make amends but only if you apologize first is totally her being the AH. Now, I would talk to your gf and see how she feels. If she is on your side and knows her mom is wrong, but wants you to apologize to keep the peace, I think that is seriously worth considering. Because your priority is the relationship with the gf. If the gf isn’t on your side, then I would spend your energy explaining to her why you are feeling how you do. Hopefully she understands and then together you decide how to address the mother. If she doesn’t understand and blindly takes the mother’s side, then you have bigger issues…
Don’t apologize or that’s how the rest of your relationship will go. Her being (maybe minorly) upset, telling her mom off-handedly, and her mom pitching a fit and running to scream at you.
Nah, you have nothing to apologize for. NTA.
NTA, there is no reason for your girlfriend to demand you apologise first.
Sounds like you need a new girlfriend
NTA. Neither of them will ever apologise, why should you.
Nta, and what was said to the mom behind your back that caused all this anyway? Why didn’t your gf defend you after asking you to leave early or when you sent the bank transfer? Has the mom been sticking her nose in your relationship before this, or is it all of a sudden? If it’s a pattern of attack on the moms part and silence from your gf, why stay? It’ll only get worse for you. If you apologize, it’ll set a prescidence of you bowing down to the mom whim when she wants you too. Mom was out of line and needs to stay in her lane.
I’m just going to leave this here.
If you stay with her, this will be your life forever. MIL has no reason to change and if your girlfriend can’t set and keep strong boundaries, you’ll wake up one day at 40 or 50 and your MIL will still be running your girlfriend’s life and ruining yours.
Your GF asked you to leave early so her grandparents could visit. Is it possible she told her mom something different? That you chose to leave early, which gave her mom a bad impression of you? If that is true, it’s your GF who is playing games.
It sounds like her mother is demanding you apologize first as a show of submission before she is willing to own up to the fact that she owes you an apology. That would put my back up, too.
Unfortunately, the type of people who want that sort of show of submission tend to get deeply offended when they don’t get it. So it’s likely that she will keep attacking your relationship with your GF if you don’t give it. It becomes a question of “Do you want to stand on principle or do you want peace?”
At least temporary peace. Your GF’s mother sounds like a drama llama who will keep making little conflicts like this. I suspect she’s a boat rocker. I would recommend giving this piece a read, because it describes and explains the dynamic it sounds like you’re getting yourself into with your GF and her mother: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/77pxpo/dont_rock_the_boat/. If I’m right about who she is, you’re going to have stress and conflict with your girlfriend and her mother unless/until you can convince your girlfriend that she doesn’t have to steady her mom’s boat anymore (and know that she probably won’t be able to stop unless/until she moves out), and then the conflict will be between you two and the rest of the family who is still steadying the boat.
NTA, but this looks like it could be a seriously bad sign of things to come.
NTA. Until your gf is ready to stand up for you to her mother, this relationship is a non-starter. My mum was like this with my husband and if I wasn’t on his team I’d hate to think how miserable his life would have been, because she made it pretty miserable even with me supporting him. I’d honestly be reassessing whether at your young age this relationship is worth pursuing further. If she’s unlikely to go low/no contact no matter the transgression from her mother, you are going to wear this constantly and she will continually choose her family over you. Now imagine that if you had kids as well. Then imagine what would happen if there were kids, a mortgage and a divorce. How do you think you would finish up in that scenario?
Say buh bye to all of them.
NTA Walk away from this toxic mess.
NTA, unless your partner is upset at you too. But this might just be a case of: do you want to be right or do you want to move on?
Ultimately you’re both adults, and don’t need her mom’s approval. And you, personally, are not required to be close with mom. So does it matter if you tell a little white lie for the sake of shutting mom up keeping her out of your business?
NTA
NTA. Your girlfriend seems happy to throw you under the bus to make her mom feel better. Stand your ground, and if your girlfriend doesn’t have your back, decide whether you want to be part of this mom-daughter dynamic or not.
Good luck.
Dude. DUDE. Is this really the life you want?
Do you really want to have to tiptoe around your gf’s mom’s feelings on the chance she might get ticked off again? Why is your gf asking YOU to apologize over her mom’s bad behavior? Does she stand up for you? Does she tell her mom that this behavior is unacceptable?
Friend, however long you’ve been with your gf is probably that much too long. If your partner doesn’t have your back, you don’t really have a partner. Make of that info what you will. If you stay, you are accepting all of the garbage your gf’s mother wants to dump.
NTA. her mom sounds… difficult and I imagine your relationship with your girlfriend will have a whole lot of these “misunderstandings”.
NTA.
I do think, though, there’s a world in which you could decide to make this apology simply because it’s not that serious, and your relationship with your girlfriend is more important than standing ten toes down on the principle of the thing with her mother.
It’s up to you. I definitely wouldn’t offer that apology to your partner– that relationship is too fundamental to play those kinds of games. But your partner’s mother? Sometimes it’s worth placating the people on the fringes to keep the peace, even when we’re correct. If you think you have a real future with your girlfriend, it’s worth considering.
Then again, maybe this is a sign that this isn’t a family you want to be seriously involved with moving forward. In that case, burn the bridge, no harm done. That’s a valid choice too.
Either way, no– you’re not wrong.
NTA