I 19f have a younger brother 17m (lets call him Archer). He is my full brother.
To give some context, my dad cheated on my mom throughout over a decade of marriage, before she decided she was done with him. Prior to meeting her, my father had a girlfriend in high school with whom he had one son when he was 19. The mother’s family gave him an ultimatum of marriage or staying the fuck away, and he chose to peace out. My mother knew about this kid, and even had money set aside for if my father wanted to reconnect, but he never chose too.
Decades later, in 2013 or so, my father had an affair with a coworker of his. at this point, my brother and I would have been 6 and 7 respectively. My parents were still married, as was the mother of the new kid. The mother will swear the child is her husband’s (they are still married), but my father had a DNA test to confirm it is his.
All in all, my brother Archer and I have two half siblings. I have long suspected this, and recently outright asked my father, and he told me all this. However, he is not telling my younger brother. I feel that it is unfair that my brother is the only person in my immediate family (including our mother) that does not know about our half siblings.
I have the power to tell him about this. I am aware of it, and keep telling my dad to tell him. But he will not. Am I the asshole for not telling my brother about our half siblings? or would I be a bigger asshole for spilling my dad’s business and breaking his trust?
I rarely see my dad get emotional, but I could tell that him sharing this was a vulnerable moment. However, no one tells my brother shit, to the pointwhere he assumed that my parent’s divorce was somehow his fault (until we told him about the affairs when he was like 15)
thank yall.
edit: for context, for as horrible a husband my dad was, unfortunately he really was a good dad to me and Archer. also when I found out about the affairs I was like 15 and stopped talking to him for a long while, I just didnt tell my brother cuz I was a kid and knew it wasn’t my place
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I 19f have a younger brother 17m (lets call him Archer). He is my full brother.
To give some context, my dad cheated on my mom throughout over a decade of marriage, before she decided she was done with him. Prior to meeting her, my father had a girlfriend in high school with whom he had one son when he was 19. The mother’s family gave him an ultimatum of marriage or staying the fuck away, and he chose to peace out. My mother knew about this kid, and even had money set aside for if my father wanted to reconnect, but he never chose too.
Decades later, in 2013 or so, my father had an affair with a coworker of his. at this point, my brother and I would have been 6 and 7 respectively. My parents were still married, as was the mother of the new kid. The mother will swear the child is her husband’s (they are still married), but my father had a DNA test to confirm it is his.
All in all, my brother Archer and I have two half siblings. I have long suspected this, and recently outright asked my father, and he told me all this. However, he is not telling my younger brother. I feel that it is unfair that my brother is the only person in my immediate family (including our mother) that does not know about our half siblings.
I have the power to tell him about this. I am aware of it, and keep telling my dad to tell him. But he will not. Am I the asshole for not telling my brother about our half siblings? or would I be a bigger asshole for spilling my dad’s business and breaking his trust?
I rarely see my dad get emotional, but I could tell that him sharing this was a vulnerable moment. However, no one tells my brother shit, to the pointwhere he assumed that my parent’s divorce was somehow his fault (until we told him about the affairs when he was like 15)
thank yall.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe im the asshole because by keeping this information from my brother it will harm him in the long run by being the only person who doesnt know about family members, and we are big family people.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Honestly I don’t think you would be the asshole either way but I think you should tell your brother. It sounds like he’s always left in the dark about things but he doesn’t have to be. Nta but your dad sure is.
NTA. It’s not really your information to share. It would really be best coming from your dad. I’d give him another chance to do so, maybe when he’s 18?
I would not call you an asshole here. Your dad should be the one to share the info with Archer and soon. Keep nudging him and maybe ask your mom to back you up. If he still refuses you will have to judge whether honesty is worth breaking trust but for now keep giving him the chance.
NTA – This is your father’s secret and obligation and it currently is not affecting your brother. You can talk with your dad about why you think he should tell the brother, but you’d be the asshole to betray the trust and tell the brother anyway. You may decide eventually for yourself that your brother deserves to know, and that is a personal decision. You’d still be the asshole to do so in your dad’s eyes. If this actually impacts the lives of you or your brother on the future, then it’s a different scenario.
Your father is a selfish, arrogant prig and his actions have real consequences, including having children that deserve to know about each other. If your little brother is still a minor, don’t share the info, but if he’s an adult and your dad is still trying to appear the saint… that’s another ball game.
I would suggest pushing your father to spill the beans, that’s it not fair your little brother doesn’t know he has more family out there. And if your little brother is an adult and dad still insists on staying mum, I’d let him know that you are telling your brother if he doesn’t, and he has the option to at least save some face by being honest now.
While not your secret to share, they let you find out the bomb so now it’s your secret, too.
NTA for whatever choice you make, but do keep in mind that the longer you hide knowledge of your siblings, the more likely it is that little brother is going to harbor anger at all of you, not just dad.
Somebody’s gotta tell him the longer you all wait the more likely he’ll cut you all out of his life. First you all let him believe the divorce was his fault and then this. Esh
NTA Regardless of what you do. Your dad doesn’t deserve any sort of protection. Do what you think is best for your brother but try to ignore your father’s emotional manipulation.
NTA But it’s unfair of your father to ask you to keep this secret and it’s unfair for your brother to not know. Tell your father this. Give your father a deadline to tell your brother, or else you will tell him.
NTA But what an awful position he has put you in. Your brother certainly needs to know. Perhaps give your dad a deadline to tell him himself. What is the reason for your dad not wanting to tell him?
What does your Mom think? Does she know that you know?
NTA because this is not your responsibility. You are not hiding your other siblings from your brother. Your father is. If you want to compromise, you can try, “Dad, I know this is a sore spot, but when Archer finds out he has half siblings, it’s going to hurt a lot more that it didn’t come from you. Would you rather he find out from an Ancestry test, or from you? If he leaves his childhood home not knowing, I will tell him myself.” Because he WILL find out. And if you have to be the one to tell him, you won’t be the asshole.
NTA but your dad is. I don’t care that he got emotional telling you.
You should tell her brother though. It sounds like not knowing how much his dad has been doing is making him think it’s his (your brother’s) fault. So to me, it’s a teammate thing. You and your brother are on the team that hasn’t been cheating on anyone, hasn’t been fathering kids wily-nily. So tell your brother and then talk about if you both want to look up these half-siblings someday. Be the calm, loving siblings in a chaotic world of your dad’s procreating.
You may have to decide whose trust do you value more: your brother’s or your father’s? If all you kept the reason for the divorce secret from your brother until he was 15 and he finds out on his own, he may never trust any of you again.
NTA. You’re not the asshole for being stuck in the middle, your dad put you there. But keeping your brother in the dark, especially when family means so much to you all, might hurt him more in the long run. If your dad won’t step up, it’s not wrong for you to protect your brother with the truth.
Not the asshole. You are in a tough spot where there isnt really a perfect choice. You are trying to respect your dads privacy but also want to be fair to your brother. Sounds like your dad should be the one telling Archer, but since he will not, it is not really on you to spill everything. Your brother deserves to know the truth, especially since this stuff affects him, but you are just caught in the middle of a mess that is not yours to fix. If you do tell him, you would not be the bad guy you would just be fixing a problem your dad created. But waiting or keeping quiet for now does not make you the asshole either. You are just trying to handle a tricky situation the best you can.
YTA You are setting up a lifetime of your brother never trusting you again once he finds out.
TELL HIM
No skin in the game so take with a grain of salt, there are other good aspects to consider that others have mentioned.
IMO though – he is 17, still a minor, and this will impact his relationship with an adult he is still legally bound to in at least some way. Give your dad a deadline, stop checking in until the deadline is closer, BUT make the deadline like the month after your brother turns 18 or something. And recognize your brother might still be mad at you for even waiting that long, but I think there is sufficient standing to defend your position after he cools off.
Good luck!
When, not if, but when your brother finds out the truth he won’t trust any of you. Is loosing your brother worth your father’s lies. Tell your dad he has till x day to tell him or your will.
Egads. Everyone but your younger brother are assholes. I wouldn’t be surprised that once he finds out the truth, he decides to ghost everyone, especially if he doesn’t find out until he’s an adult. All three of you have already broken his trust when he was younger and led him to believe it was his fault his parents divorced. You could have said something back then but didn’t. Now you continue to hold the truth back in some strange loyalty to your father who cheated on your mom.
He is 17. He deserves to know. Being excluded will only make it worse. Your loyalty should be with your brother not your cheating father.
TELL YOUR BROTHER TELL YOUR BROTHER TELL. YOUR BROTHER TYEN GO FIND YOUR OTHER BROTHERS AND TELL THEM!!
pissess me off no end that people think they have the right to keep other people from knowing who they truly are!
Amd I say this as someone who is raising a 1 year old with a man who is not the biological father of my child but stepped up as his dad in every other way. He will still be learning about his true parentage and it won’t be a big deal. His real dad is the .an who.is there with him.and his father is the one he shares dna with why is.it a big deal to hide that?
You shouldn’t be in this position so I’m not going to call you TA no matter what you decide – but decide for your own well-being, not your father’s. He doesn’t deserve your protection. It’s monstrous that he’s put you in this position. What a coward.
I strongly encourage you to tell your brother. You could ask your mom for support and tell him together. I think it would be better for both of you. But that’s up to you.
NTA but your father for doing this to his family.