I (43f) have been married to my husband, Chris (45m), for 21 years. We have one daughter, Sarah (19f), and for the past few months she’s been dating Lina (20f), who’s Egyptian-Palestinian.
Lina is lovely, soft-spoken, respectful, thoughtful. She talks about her family and culture with so much pride, and she treats Sarah with so much care. I really liked having her around. Honestly, I was just happy Sarah had found someone who treated her so well .
Chris seemed to like her too. He was always asking questions, especially about her background, whether her family was religious, what kind of food and cultural traditions she grew up with, if they still had relatives in Gaza, how her parents felt about her dating girls. It was a little much, sometimes, but I brushed it off. He’s always been curious about different cultures, and I figured he was just being friendly.
Then, a few nights ago, Sarah came over to our house while my husband was still at work, saying that she had something serious to tell me. she had Lina’s phone in her hand, looking like she had been crying, and gave it over to me. There were messages from Chris to Lina over a span of a month.
He had been texting Lina behind Sarah’s back. It started off as casual small talk, but it turned into him telling her how she had a rare beauty,
that he’d never been with an Arab woman like her before. He said she had the kind of look that got into a man’s head, and it made him wish that he dated ‘out’ before being with me because she was stunning in a way white girls aren’t.
He asked her if she ever wore traditional clothing and said he bet she looked beautiful in a hijab, even though she isn’t Muslim. He told her she had bedroom eyes and kept referring to her as exotic.
Then came the worst part. He said maybe the three of us that me, him, and Lina could explore something private together. That it would be safe, just between us since we’re all family. He tried to frame it like he was joking, but he clearly wasn’t.
To be clear, Lina never encouraged it. She told him to stop. She reminded him she was with Sarah. He kept saying it was stress, late-night rambling, or he was just trying to joke but it was clear he crossed the line.
She didn’t want to tell Sarah at first bc she didn’t wanna break up Sarah’s family or cause drama. But after weeks she finally told her, which led to Sarah showing me the texts herself.
Sarah left soon after I had seen everything, and when Chris came home, I didn’t say much of anything to him that night. But when he was asleep, I packed a decent amount of his stuff and put it near the front door. When he woke up, I told him I saw everything he said to Lina, and he had to leave.
He didn’t even try to deny any of it. He tried to explain that he’d never do anything for real, that it was a fantasy, that he’d been struggling mentally and emotionally for a long time and didn’t know how to express it. He admitted Lina made him think about things he never let himself think about before. That being with me, a white woman, was safe, but maybe too safe and that he sometimes wondered what it would’ve been like to be with someone different.
I didn’t really say anything back, I just told him to leave again so he did. He went to stay with his mom. That day, she started texting me nonstop then she sent pictures of Chris in a hospital bed, one after another and said he collapsed in her kitchen and had a heart attack due to the stress.
He’s okay now, recovering but she won’t stop calling and texting me. She said I broke him, pushed him too far. That I should’ve dealt with it privately, like a wife should do. She blamed Lina and Sarah. She said I was choosing some foreign girl over my husband of 21 years. She also repeatedly called me heartless for not immediately visiting him but also said that she wouldn’t let me go into his hospital room anyways.
Chris has only messaged me once from the hospital. He asked when he can come home but I haven’t answered yet
The part I hate the most is that I still love him. I do. Not the version of him in those texts, but the man I thought I was building a life and spent years with. That’s what’s tearing me up. That he could say those things, think those things, and still come back and look me in the eye like nothing was wrong.
I know I technically had to do what I did for my daughter but it doesn’t feel good in the slightest. It just feels like my whole life is falling apart. AITA for doing that to him?
Comments
NTA and he’s not safe around your daughter either. He needs serious help.
Alright, seems like rage-bait but I’ll bite. NTA – You should get your divorce and move on with your life. Block him on everything and lawyer up.
Awwww hell yeah….. yor hubby is a dawg!
Yo better get ready. Yo and hubby and sexy honey Lina gonna be plowing each other fo days….. dats for sho
Jabari
NTA. This is entirely his own doing
NTA- You didn’t “do” anything to him. Actions have consequences. He attempted to be unfaithful and was rejected. Your MIL should be telling her son that a husband of 21 years shouldn’t be messaging their 19 year old daughter’s girlfriend. Especially not in a sexual manner.
NTA but What do you mean you did what you did for your daughter? Did you not do it for yourself? Your husband was a pig to your daughter’s girlfriend.
He’s the one that needs to put in the work & get into therapy to start
ignore his mother and in fact send her the screenshots and tell her that you don’t want to hear another word.
You are handling it privately but you can certainly make it public…
i wouldn’t be able to put this behind me. get a divorce
Nice creative writing story bro
NTA. He did all this to himself. And his daughter will never love him in the same way again, which is appropriate.
I’d divorce him tomorrow.
This has got to be fake. Right? Anyway NTA
So he tried to bang your daughters girlfriend and got caught and all the double burgers caught up to him. Yeah I mean YTA for wasting our time by bothering to ask if YTA
You love who he used to be, or who you thought he was, but don’t love the sleazy, disrespectful perv he has become. Remember that. You are better off without the man he has become, and are also setting a good example for your daughter.
NTA – your husband is sick and YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIM TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK. That is 100% on him. Your MIl is upset because that is her son, but I would tell her to he made his bed he can lie in it. Then block her.
Stand by your daughter. It is not her fault her dad is being creepy, nor is it Lina’s fault.
I have decided to believe this isn’t true
NTA, he fucked around and now he can find out. What a disgusting creep your future-ex-husband is.
Eww and NTA and even if right now you posted all the shots of the messages to Lina with comparison photos of the messages from his enabler mother and tagged them both in it; you still would be NTA. He is a freaking predator and should never be allowed alone with anyone ever again. Also go get tested and assume he’s cheated with others using equally stupid rationalizations as my wife is too white and safe.
Him only asking when he’s coming home screams that he thinks he got a free pass because of his health scare and is going to be forgiven out of guilt.
No actual consequences for sexually objectifying and harassing his DAUGHTERS girlfriend. Gross.
Oh no you totally should have stayed with him after learning he was sexually harassing your daughter’s girlfriend, fetishizing her ethnicity, and trying to cheat on you. That’s reasonable I think
NTA. If he wants to come back & you want him back, he needs to register & engage in some significant counseling. He has a lot of bridges to mend while he’s at it.
NTA I would text both him and his Mom, with attached screenshots of the messages he sent (bet you he lied to Mommy dearest about what he wrote) and say “You’re not coming home. I’m sorry you had a heart attack, that’s something I wouldn’t wish on anyone. However, it was brought on by your actions and misdeed. I am not heartless, I’m heartbroken. The man I married, the man I shared a life with not only tried to cheat on me, but he tried to do it with his own Daughter (your Granddaughter MIL!) GF! That is just disgusting and unforgivable. MIL idk if he lied to you, or you are just that pathetic of a woman to actually support that. Do you have any idea how hard and awkward this is for Sarah? You should both be ashamed of yourselves. I know I’m ashamed for you!”
Fuck chris
He did all this to himself. He’s a grown man who should know that actions have consequences. He tried to mess around and found out.
NTA, if this is true. These days I don’t even know anymore.
But if is true, the point is that he not only betrayed you but your daughter as well. I don’t think there is any coming back from that.
Neat time someone accuses you of causing his heart attack, tell them that his poor behavior and his poor decisions caused his heart attack not you
NTA but the doctors should be told about his recent pervy behavior. He might need brain imaging to make sure he wasn’t having ministrokes in the time before the heart attack. He might have a long term clotting issue.
NTA
First, he was prone to a heart attack. It would have happened eventually.
Second, I highly highly doubt this is the first time he’s thrown his hat in the ring. He engaged with predatory and fetishized behavior- eased into the sexual stuff. This girl told him repeatedly to stop but he continued without shame. Definitely a pattern. If he was new to this, he would have been scared off the second she said no.
Third, his relationship with your daughter is likely irreparably harmed if not all together completely and utterly over. He would have known this when he took this path. Yet he choose a fetish over his own daughter.
Your call. I know what my choice would be.
Also, you are young. Don’t wait for you to find out again to leave him.
So tell us more about Lina? Does she wear skirts?
Immediate divorce
Ffs. Not more fake crap.🙄🙄🙄
I am getting sick of it and, have a feeling that, others are too.
First tell his mommy to FUCK OFF AND MIND HER OWN BUSINESS. He chose the situation now he can deal with it; once this can of worms is opened you can’t close it again. Send him packing. Life is too short.
NTA. This isn’t mental health – it’s depravity. A depressed or stressed person who is a good person may have an attraction to a child’s partner but they recognize how messed up that is and handle it on their own or they go to therapy. Your husband is disgusting and he preyed on a young, innocent woman. You should not stay married to him.
The heart attack kinda seems like karma.
You didn’t do anything to him. He was sexually harassing a woman that should have been safe around him. And he did it knowing there was a good to fair chance everyone would find out about it.
NTA.
This is bigger than him being a dog. That girl is 20 years old and someone your daughter cares about. He has no business even letting his mind go there and then to harrass this poor girl saying stuff like that. She had to sit with that for weeks and I understand the fear cause some women would blame her and not him. I can imagine she was scared she would loose her gf and be blamed. He put all that on this 20 yr old girl. Treating this girls culture and nationality like his fetish material. He was comfortable enough to even use you to try to make her “comfortable” enough to agree there’s no way in hell this is his first time doing this not with how bold he was. I’d be wondering if any of your daughter’s other friends or mates have also gotten unwanted texts.
Now his trifling mama wants to act like this poor girl is at fault and cry about her son having a heart attack? I’m sorry I understand you probably have a lot of feelings right now but frankly I don’t give a fat baby’s ass about his heart attack. What he did is sick and his mama has clearly enabled his behavior. She sounds absolutely awful and to be honest her comments about Lina gave bigoted but that’s so low on the totem pole of everything wrong in this situation, it just says a lot cause he seems to be obsessed with other races meanwhile she seems to have some disdain for other races. Leave him and his enabling mother to deal with other ALONE without you. Your daughter is old enough to decide when and if she wants to speak to him again. Quite frankly he’ll probably be lucky if she ever truly trust him again. I’m just so disgusted.
NTA. Your husband broke your trust, broke your daughter’s trust, and ruined your marriage. He was also a disgusting creep to Lina. I wouldn’t give him another opportunity to do that again.
NTA – don’t let him back in.
Divorce
Chris had a heart attack because his arteries were clogged and could not supply blood to his heart muscle. That takes years to happen. His mother is full of shit, trying to guilt you like that. Contact a divorce attorney as soon as possible.
AI is getting whack lol
NTA
I kinda doubt he had an actual heart attack, but even if he did it was his own actions that caused his anxiety.
Absolutely disgusting horrifying read.
I’m genuinely very sorry for you and understand saying you love him, but whoever you married, if you truly believe this is not him, is fucking gone.
This is indescribable, despicable, unforgivable, perverted, fetishizing behavior. He traumatized a young woman, his daughter, and you. Absolutely nuked his relationship with your daughter also, imagine you stay with him and now she’s stuck with that? Horrifying. His crazy mother is WRONG. You are NTA. NTA. NTA.
Keep him out of that house for your daughter’s sake.
NTA
You did nothing wrong and, if anything, his incident was just punishment. Get counseling together, so that he can really understand the irreparable damage he has done, his utter lack of judgement and consideration and his lack of character and duty as a husband.
NTA he’s an animal!! Protect your kid and her girlfriend. F his mom too.
No NTA…he crossed a line that will be difficult for him to fix. It will take your willing to do counseling with him both together and separately. Your with him for twenty years and that’s wonderful. FYI I’m married 40 plus years and in that span a very long separation. 15 years to b exact and back together now for 1.6 yr. We’re very happy to be back and I underwent a deadly diagnosis in December and would have had a hard time without him. 2 brain surgeries for aggressive brain cancer. Complete with radiation and chemo. He was my Rock. With me every day for 2 weeks in hospital and at home care til today. My point is, if u consider him ur best friend it would b worth trying, but if not, and he’s not the best partner for you this could be your exit plan. As for his medical issue now. He’s in the best possible place, the hospital and he has his mom to help upon discharge and up to you if you want to b his carer after pulling this incredible insult to all involved! His daughter and her partner can never look at him the same and they may need to b included in counseling. Do not put it off or everything is doomed.
Best of luck! Im hoping it works out 4 u all!
I was the house the kids all came to growing up. My daughter is beautiful and her friends were all beautiful. I can’t imagine what your going thru and wouldn’t blame if u can’t move on.
You know the answer. Just stop. End it. Choose self respect and make him accept what his actions resulted in. Choose your daughter and the future you will have in her family. Tell your MIL to pound sand
He’s at the “find out” part of the (attempt to) fuck about.
His actions have bought all the repercussions and problems and the funny thing is, you did confront him about it privately.
If he chose to inform his mother, then it’s again, on him.
NTA
NTA… he’s the author of his own misfortune. This will NEVER leave your mind, and the trust probably can’t ever be rebuilt. Call it a journey, get divorced and move on. He’s did his hole.
… this is so fake it’s physically painful
Lina and Sarah aside – he tried to cheat, he failed. You are not choosing a foreign girl over him, you choose your self respect. And he really needs to think about father daughter relationship. Trying to hit on your childs partner? Really? NTA
NTA. He’s a creep and a predator who sexually harassed and fetishized his DAUGHTER’s girlfriend. He deserves a heart attack and so does his horrible shameless mother who blames her granddaughter for her son being a creep. I’m sorry you still love him, but you’re not to blame. You need to stand by your daughter and her gf who are most definitely traumatized by him. That should be your focus. He can stay with his mommy while you pick up the pieces of everything he broke. Fuck him.
Text back to MIL, he was sexually harassing another woman. He can stay with his mommy.
I bet he had more of a panic attack than a heart attack. They are trying to manipulate you.
Talk to a lawyer, he is a creepy guy, and you shouldn’t stay with a man like that.
ETA – Have Lina screen shot everything.
He had a heart attack because of the stress he caused himself.
NTA.
NTA. You didn’t cause his heart attack. There is no excuse for what he did. You had no choice, really. He was talking about his sexual fantasies with his daughter’s girlfriend and offering you as a 3 sone partner with her. 🤢. The betrayal is way too much. It does sound like he’s had a mental break of some kind. He’s blown up marriage and his relationship with his daughter. He needs intense counseling.
If he would have requested therapy for his mental health instead of trying to fulfill fantasies with a woman half his age…maybe he could have save himself the hospital visit. Alas, he has ruined his family by attempting to step out on his wife with HIS DAUGHTER’s love interest…..
yep, that will add a bit of stress to the ol’ticker. That’s an MI due to self-imposed stress.
His mother is doing whatever she can at the moment so SHE does not have to deal with this medical crisis and her awful son.
Get a lawyer for the upcoming divorce and a therapist-one for you and one for your daughter. I’m doubtful this is his first liaison. He probably thought he was so smooth he could swing it.
You are NTA.
NTA. Who knows what version he told his mom. Clearly, just by the, you should have dealt with this privately, he lied to her because you did deal with it privately. Also, WTF with a good wife? A good husband doesn’t try to cheat, especially not with his own child’s partner. I’m sorry that you are only doing this for your child because the way he talks about women is deplorable. Women aren’t born to fulfill fantasies and to classify her as exotic, bedroom eyes and she’d look beautiful in a hijab is especially disgusting. He doesn’t even see her as who she is. You said she’s not muslim but in his fantasy, she’s an exotic muslim who covers everything but her eyes which have a come hither vibe to him. She’s been declassified to just a sex toy for him. Then he insults her intelligence, & then yours, by lying and saying it was a joke. Let your daughter inform her grandmother of the truth because she won’t believe you. Your daughter is honest and brave, so I doubt she’ll put up w/ granny’s delusions and scolding. Good luck. I hope your response to when can he return home is, never. updateme
He emotionally abused your daughter’s GF. He was totally inappropriate and predatory. And he was contemplating infidelity in his marriage. Do you love him enough to overlook all that? He’s not the man you thought he was.
Are you sure he had a heart attack? He could have easily had panic attack, chest pain and got mommy to take him to the ER and snap a few pics in there and TELL you it was a heart attack. Unless you see the discharge paperwork I couldn’t believe it.
Every time she sends you a text just reply with “Shame on you.” No matter what it is. Set her auto response to “Shame on you” so you don’t even have to read them. She’ll get the message quickly. His health is now his responsibility. He blew up his life. It’s not your responsibility to fix what he broke.
NTA but i have a question. Is this really out of character for him. Looking back was there anything. Reason I ask is because of his heart attack, could there possibly be an underlying health issue causing this weird behavior
My husband is 50 and I’m 48, our kids are grown and we have grandkids now. We are very open with each other and he has mentioned a time or two about one of the kids friends being cute or beautiful, but that is as far as it went.
When our daughter got ready for school dances she would have friends over doing their hair and makeup all together. We would take pictures and of course tell them how beautiful they all looked. Again, it ended there.
If my husband did anything like what you’ve described I’m not sure if the reaction would be worse from me or my kids. I don’t care if it was someone that was just a friend or a partner it would be completely unacceptable.
I would suggest counseling for both individual and together. He needs to get this straightened out and apologize to your daughter and to her girlfriend.
NTA
He (maybe jokingly, maybe not) tried to set up a 3some with his daughter and her girlfriend, and sexually harassed the girlfriend for a month. There’s no coming back from this.
You didn’t cause his heart attack – are you sure that that’s what actually even did happen? Did you tell his mom what he said to your daughter’s girlfriend, especially about his own daughter? You didn’t do anything wrong here.
NTA
One has to go and it should be your husband
NTA your MIL and her pedo son can go F off.
You can’t give someone a heart attack. You’re still in love with the illusion he created for you. Now you’ve seen his true self. Cut away the rot before it spreads. Your daughter and yourself have priority over a fiend and a dream.
Ick!
NTA
Wow. Your husband got caught lusting after exotic looking women, and lost his marbles. He got the fever. Many years ago when was the club scene, I’d see this quite often. But he took this messiness to your daughter’s girlfriend for goodness sakes.
While he was texting her, he had not a single care of how much he was going to hurt both you and his daughter. As if a threesome was going to happen, instead of a totally broken family. Although, he’s had a stress induced heart event, hold his ass accountable.
Nah sis, he tried to fuck his daughters girlfriend. He’s a piece of shit.
This was a fun read but it is most definitely click bait.
Nta if you have to pretend he’s a man from years ago and not a fucking creep who sexually harassed your daughters girlfriend then maybe you love the idea of him. Sorry but he’s a predator that was trying to pressure a young girl into having a 3 some. Not to mention what that would have done to your daughter if Lina said yes. This is who he is, not just actions he took. He’s a loser and don’t feel sympathy for him because he had a medical episode.
NTA. Your husband chose to repeatedly text inappropriate and lewd remarks to his daughter’s girlfriend. He was repeatedly disloyal to you and his daughter. It wasn’t a momentary lapse of judgment. He absolutely would have cheated.
Take steps to protect yourself while you consider your options. Speak to a lawyer about a legal separation and how to begin untangling shared finances. Do not let anyone blame you for your husband’s heart attack. He must have been physically at risk and any stressful event could have resulted in an attack.
Your husband must have been physically at risk of a heart attack and it could have happened at anytime.