I (23M) was on a call with my girlfriend (22F). She was talking about how she feels guilty that her parents have been providing for her financially. I get where she’s coming from, we both come from poor families, but they’re amazing in their own ways. I love how her parents and siblings are all supportive of her education, especially her sisters. Both of her parents are retired, and her older sister is the one supporting her financially. It’s not an easy thing to sacrifice your early adult life for your sibling’s future, and I truly respect that. I’ve also supported her financially ever since I migrated to the US. She always says no, but there have been times when money was urgently needed.
Anyway, she said she feels guilty and can’t even feel happy about her graduation because she thinks it’s the only bare minimum she finised. She also has more on her mind, like review centers and passing the board exam. I listened, comforted her, and tried to console her by saying, “It’s okay.” then she suddenly snapped at me and said, “It’s not appropriate to just say ‘it’s okay’ when it’s not.” I meant that it’s okay to feel the way she does and all.
Another time, she told me she was feeling pressured about the board exams. I said something like, “Think of the past problems you’ve had. At the time, they seemed big and heavy, but looking back, they’ve become nonexistent, something that you can pat yourself at the back when looking back and this problem might feel the same way in the future.” She told me that it wasn’t helpful. I tried explaining what I meant, but she told me to stop because it added pressure. Then she explained how we have different coping mechanisms, and what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for her. I completely agree with that, and I apologized.
But we’ve had many arguments about things that I “should’ve said,” as if there’s a pre-written script I’m supposed to hit and if I don’t say exactly what she wants to hear, it turns into a problem.
What upsets me the most was when she said, “Stop worrying about my problems because they’re not yours anyway.” That really hurt, after five years together, you’re telling me not to worry about something that clearly affects you which I care deeply about? I felt so offended and left out. I’ve always tried to be there for her, to comfort and support her, to make sure she feels seen and heard. But every time I try, it feels like she just rejects it. I was so done, and I dropped the call.
Are my feelings valid or am I the asshole?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
I (23M) was on a call with my girlfriend (22F). She was talking about how she feels guilty that her parents have been providing for her financially. I get where she’s coming from, we both come from poor families, but they’re amazing in their own ways. I love how her parents and siblings are all supportive of her education, especially her sisters. Both of her parents are retired, and her older sister is the one supporting her financially. It’s not an easy thing to sacrifice your early adult life for your sibling’s future, and I truly respect that. I’ve also supported her financially ever since I migrated to the US. She always says no, but there have been times when money was urgently needed.
Anyway, she said she feels guilty and can’t even feel happy about her graduation because she thinks it’s the only bare minimum she finised. She also has more on her mind, like review centers and passing the board exam. I listened, comforted her, and tried to console her by saying, “It’s okay.” then she suddenly snapped at me and said, “It’s not appropriate to just say ‘it’s okay’ when it’s not.” I meant that it’s okay to feel the way she does and all.
Another time, she told me she was feeling pressured about the board exams. I said something like, “Think of the past problems you’ve had. At the time, they seemed big and heavy, but looking back, they’ve become nonexistent, something that you can pat yourself at the back when looking back and this problem might feel the same way in the future.” She told me that it wasn’t helpful. I tried explaining what I meant, but she told me to stop because it added pressure. Then she explained how we have different coping mechanisms, and what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for her. I completely agree with that, and I apologized.
But we’ve had many arguments about things that I “should’ve said,” as if there’s a pre-written script I’m supposed to hit and if I don’t say exactly what she wants to hear, it turns into a problem.
What upsets me the most was when she said, “Stop worrying about my problems because they’re not yours anyway.” That really hurt, after five years together, you’re telling me not to worry about something that clearly affects you which I care deeply about? I felt so offended and left out. I’ve always tried to be there for her, to comfort and support her, to make sure she feels seen and heard. But every time I try, it feels like she just rejects it. I was so done, and I dropped the call.
Are my feelings valid or am I the asshole?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> i might be the asshole since i stormed off and dropped the call, i was so frustrated and pissed as if im expected to generate a reply that caters to her utmost satisfaction, that action might be an asshole since i might be just an inconsiderate prick
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
your mad cause she said the wrong thing in response to her being mad you said the wrong thing in response.
And you’ve reached just end communication stage. Alas time to work on this may have passed. NAH. Just couple things.
NTA. you’re trying your best to be there for her, and it sucks to feel like nothing you say is ever good enough. she’s clearly under stress, but that doesn’t mean you deserve to be treated like your support isn’t wanted. your feelings are valid. being in a relationship means caring about each other’s problems.
[removed]
> Then she explained how we have different coping mechanisms, and what works for me doesn’t necessarily work for her. I completely agree with that, and I apologized.
Are you currently trying to understand how to help her cope ? Did she give you any hints or tips on how to support her?
> That really hurt, after five years together, you’re telling me not to worry about something that clearly affects you which I care deeply about?
Did you communicate this to her? If so, what was her response?
She kinda snapped at you, but it could be explained by the pressure she’s on… you don’t have to take it all the time, but you still have to try to resolve this problem with her.
If you are trying to understand and communicate, NTA.
NTA it sounds like there’s just a miscommunication of needs here. It’s natural to want to comfort your partner, but also sometimes your partner might just want someone to listen and say yeah that’s some shit. My former partner and i had a “code” where i would just ask “console or sit” so i never had to be worried about constantly watching what i said and i would know what she needed in the moment.
I’d say you’re both valid in how you feel and probably just need to have a conversation about your communication styles and what it is that you’re looking for when talking to each other. Maybe she just wants to vent instead of get advice or be comforted.
That said, I get where you’re coming from, especially with the last statement. If she doesn’t want you to worry about her problems then she should just stop talking about them altogether. This is not the right answer and obviously not the healthy thing to do, but it’s just interesting the things that people say vs the things they do
How often is she this with you? Is she like that with anyone else in her family? Does she communicate how she needs help when you offer it?Seems like she has a lot of trouble managing her stress and anger and uses you as an emotional punching bag. It might help her to seek therapy to help manage whatever she’s feeling. Has she considered this before, or will it seem like an attack if you bring it up?
NAH. You’re both not communicating well, and you’re not communicating well while tensions are high, which is making everything worse.
What you need to do is revisit this once you’ve both calmed down. You need to learn how to support her when she needs help, and she clearly can’t tell you how to support her right when she needs that support. And you need to express your hurt to her – calmly, when she’s in a space where she can really hear and react to you.
Dude you didn’t “drop the call” you fucking hung up on her.
YTA
If by “dropped the call” you mean you hung up on her then YTA. Even if you’re feeling frustrated, be an adult and use your words to end the call.
Dump her
NTA Someone venting should not be doing so under the expectation that you will magically know the correct combination of words to set their mind completely at ease. That’s just being manipulative.
Ahhh this is the classic “different people want different things” problem. NAH.
You think she is looking for solutions. She is not. She doesn’t want you to problem solve for her or tell her why it’s not as bad as she thinks it is.
She wants to tell you that she’s freaking out and that it sucks and for you to say something like, “I get why you’re freaking out!” Or “That sucks!” Or “You do have a huge load on your plate and I bet it’s really hard.”
And then after you’ve acknowledge how hard it is, you can ask tell her that she’s freaking is doing an amazing job handling it but you understand why she’s stressed. And then you ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Would it be nice if you got both of you take out? Filled her car up with gas? Neck rub?
Instead, you are trying to give her GUIDANCE. “Don’t worry.” “It’s OK.” “You won’t always feel this bad, it’s just ‘cause you’re under pressure, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Or maybe trying to troubleshoot the problem, I don’t know.
Here’s the problem there. If she WANTED guidance, that would be fine. But if she doesn’t, that comes across like you know better than she does, like you’ve assessed her stress and determined it’s not really that big a deal. It’s not comforting, it’s the opposite.
I get it, by the way, I am all about troubleshooting a problem. I really ticked someone off once by not realizing that wasn’t what they wanted. Now I have learned to start by acknowledging the feelings and that’s all. I can always say later, “hey do you want me to come up with solutions with you, or do you just want to vent?”
Something to consider, because she is telling you it’s the wrong response, but you’re so sure you’re supporting her in an awesome way, maybe you aren’t listening.
Edited for a typo.
I’m just wondering how a 22 year old’s parents are poor and retired 🤔
NAH, but I think dropping the call was the bad move. She’s right not everyone deals with stress in the same way. My husband like you tries to fix it but sometimes I don’t want a quick fix just someone who will let me vent and get my thoughts out. Maybe she’s like that? After apologizing for dropping the call sit down and ask her what she needs in those situations and then open up the conversation for what you need in the same position. Communication is always the answer.
NAH. This seems like a high stress time, and she was perhaps looking for comfort when you instead offered advice. She needs the verbal equivalent of a hug.
But she’s so stressed that she doesn’t know, and/or feels guilty asking for yet another thing from you. It’s an anxiety loop.
NAH – Your feelings are valid and she’s right, you both have different ways of coping. Can she handle it better? Yes but maybe ask her, “What can I do to help you?” and go from there. There are no assholes here, just good people in stressful situations.
NTA
People have different ways they want to be heard.
The way I see it, there are 3 ways to respond when someone is talking about their problems:
Join them (ex. “You’re so right, this is the worst, ugh)
Hype them (ex. “I know it’s gonna be hard, but think about what you’ve already overcome, it’s gonna be ok, you’ll get through)
Fix it for them (ex. “Why don’t you just xyz?”)
From your story, you definitely did at least 2 of those, and her saying “stop worrying about my problems” suggests you may have tried the third approach as well.
Your gf doesn’t seem to like any of your responses. It seems like she lashes out at you when she’s stressed, no matter what you say or do.
You’re N T A for feeling frustrated, but it was rude to just hang up without using your words. Your gf is N T A for needing something different from you, but she sure is for punishing you when you get it “wrong”. Likewise, this is similar to someone telling you a secret, then when you offer feedback they don’t like, they tell you to “mind your business”. It’s my business when you make it my business. She is coming to you with her problems and also upset that you’re concerned about them? Anyhow
You both need to come at this once cooler heads prevail. It could very well be that y’all aren’t compatible in the long term OR that you just need to figure out how to get through her difficult times without making both of your lives miserable – and this includes what you need from her (not being a punching bag, her communicating clearly what she needs from you).
ESH
NTA. You were trying to support her and she kept shutting you down. You’re not a mind reader. Your feelings are valid, and ending the call was fair.
She wants you to say what she wants to hear? Wow. You are your own person, not her dog to be scolded and trained to do what she wants. Why does she stay with you if she finds fault with your personality all the time. Maybe she could talk back to family like that, but this is belittling and humiliating. Wait till there’s stress with children, illness, dying parents. She is not resilient.
By “different coping mechanisms” she means she’s comfortable with her (clearly ineffective) coping mechanisms, and is not willing to try anything else.
She seems like the kind of person who wants to complain to complain, not to try to come to a solution.
You have to ask yourself if you’re interested in living like this long term. She “feels guilty” receiving help, but instead of obtaining a job and not relying on others, she’s continuing to take take take.
Overall, you’re NTA. She has an entitlement problem though she’s trying to mask by talking about how guilty she feels. Actions speak louder than words.
You said it yourself, she has an amazing support system.
NTA she is not treating you the way she should treat her partner. Whatever her problem is, it’s not you.
NAH It has been proven that boisterous venting actually does relieve stress. You’re just trying too hard… all you need to do is let her vent, listen empathetically, and offer a hug and some hot tea. It’s usually as simple as that.
NAH.
Sounds like you two have different needs when it comes to comfort. She may just need you to listen and let her know that youre there rather than try to give solutions. Give yourself grace. Youre stressed too.
My husband and I always ask “do you want to brainstorm solutions, or do you want me to listen?” Youre doing your best to give her what you think she needs, and shes doing her best to communicate what she needs.
If all y’all do is fight, time to move on. She’s clearly looking for reasons to argue and make you feel like the asshole so you will coddle her more. Move on dude.
I think this sounds like a relationship that has run its course. She sounds like she’s picking fights with you because she’s checking out of the relationship but can’t admit that’s what she’s doing. You two are very young. You shouldn’t keep trying to make it work out of inertia.
she sounds exhausting. NTA.
You’re NTA but your girlfriend sounds like one. She just needs you to listen (only) to her vent because it’s apparent that any comments you make offends her. She sounds exhausting. Hope yall work through this issue because it reoccurring, but how long will take this from her?
NTA this is a common problem for a lot of couples and honestly a lot of the time is just miscommunication.
I totally get you want to show her support and give her advice- but I think us girls sometimes do just want to complain lol and like get stuff off our chests, it’s not to just be negative or actually be totally consumed by it – a lot of the times I can feel emotions big for example and then later on realize I was just going through some hormones likely lol, I think just talking about things and stressors though, and expressing the feelings/emotions we cope up about things feels better than keeping them in.
I have found both through experience and online- guys mindsets work more in a “resolution” type way where I think responses given, although you are just trying to help and be supporting, they absolutely can come across as invalidating to what she is trying to express but to a lot of guys, they don’t understand expressing feeling a type a way about something unless you’re looking for advice. When a lot of the time they’re not seeking advice but seeking emotional support.
Honestly if I was her I would’ve been annoyed too- it seems like toxic positivity in a sense. Expressing “I’m sorry you’re feeling like that is there anything I could do to help make you feel better?” is better thank “its okay”- for pressure about the exams , instead of like “well think of past problems it’s all ended up okay!!” 🫤 … im sorry but that would be very frustrating to hear when you’re stressed. If it was my bf he would’ve been more like “im sorry that sucks baby you’re going to do well though but how about I grab some food so you can focus on studying”
Hard to judge. I don’t think either of you are the AH. It sounds like it’s a communication issue. She seems to say repeatedly you guys cope differently and she needs different support. Has she told you specifically what she needs or have you asked? Things are repeating because either what’s being asked for isn’t being done by you or she’s moving the goal post.
I think it would be good to ask and have rhat conversation. It has been 5 years now, you guys should know one another better. At the same time, you’re both young and she is (maybe you too are) in a difficult position. You both are figuring yourselves out and learning what coping mechanisms work and what don’t. It’s possible she’s feeling hers aren’t working but they are too familiar to let go of when she’s feeling so stressed.
Just have a chat on it so you guys can stop unintentionally hurting one another.
She doesn’t seem to like you. Are you sure she’s your gf because she sounds exhausting. This is a 5 year lesson so you’ll see the red flags sooner in your next relationship. Let her go find her ideal man that knows exactly what she wants to hear.
NTA
dropping the call was done in the heat of the moment, I would apologize for that.
I would also have a candid conversation with your gf about how her reactions make you feel and then ask what she needs from you when she calls about this kind of stuff.
You can always listen and then at the beginning ask her what she needs/wants from you. Ask, do you need me to just listen, offer advice, or comfort you? That opens the door for her to tell you what she expects from this interaction.
There were times at the beginning of our marriage where I’d talk to my husband and would just want to vent, but he’d offer an opinion or advice and it would frustrate me because I felt unheard. Then we talked about it and he’ll ask or I’ll just say, I just want you to listen, or I need advice. And then we talk and it goes WAY better.
Communication is key, but comprehension is King.
NAH. My husband, bless his heart, simply cannot help but offer up solutions when I vent. I’ve started telling him, “I don’t need advice, just nod and listen.” Because he isn’t giving me advice because he thinks I’m too stupid to come up with a solution, he’s just trying to be helpful and that’s a big part of his love language.
But yeah, hanging up probably didn’t make either of you feel very good after it, I assume. Your gf is going through a major life change, and unfortunately we’re not always great at that. I think following what others have put so well here could really help you both discover your dynamic during periods of stress; ask her directly what she would like to have you do/say, or if you can tell she’s particularly upset, stick with language that reinforces how she feels vs. offering solutions.
What has worked well for me, after having a conversation about this so were both on the same page, in the past when a gf came to me with issues is was to ask right away ‘Are you looking to vent, get support, or have me solve a problem?’ That removed the variable of her expecting me to read her mind and she also reframed how she presented things.
Something to think about is perhaps she would prefer you to just listen and let her vent. I have a really bad habit of offering advice or encouraging positivity, et cetera and my teen to adult kids are always reminding me that they just want me to listen so they can vent, not try always try to “fix it”.
NTA but you need to tell her everything you said here. Ask her what she wants from you when you console her and then give that to her. Hopefully youve already had these conversations though.
ESH. It sounds like she wants you to listen and hold space for her without constantly acting like you are wiser and have the solution. Try just saying things like “that must be really hard” and “would you want to talk about things that might make you feel better, or do you just want to share your feelings with me?” Sometimes when you go into problem solving, the person with the problem feels ignored, underestimated, and not heard.