I’ve been thinking about posting it or not since I made this acc 5 days ago but I really need some help right now. I recently graduated from college with the age of 28 and started working full-time. I live on my own and things are tight but I’m managing. So last week my dad called me and told me he lost his job. He was very emotional and said he didn’t know how he was going to keep up with his mortgage and bills. He asked if I could help him out financially just until he gets back on his feet. The thing is when I was 17, I found out that the college fund my mom had been saving for me for years was completely gone. My mom died when I was 13 and she’d left a decent amount of money in a trust for my education. Turns out that my dad had access to it and drained most of it over time. I later found out through a friend of his that he blew it gambling. Poker, online betting and even scratch tickets. He never told me the truth himself. He just kept saying things got tight and he had to use it for bills. Because of that, I had to take out a lot of loans, work multiple part-time jobs through school and skip out on experiences other students had. I never got an apology and he still kind of acts like I should just understand. I even graduated too late since there are times that I need to stop going to school because my finances can’t keep it up.
So when he called asking for money, I told him I couldn’t help. I said I’m just now starting to stabilize my own life after years of debt and struggle and that I didn’t feel comfortable sending him money when he never took responsibility for what he did to me. He got really quiet and just said that I am not grateful for everything he had done for me. He’s still my dad and he’s struggling. But I honestly feel like he set me back years in life and I’m finally starting to recover. AITAH if I stand with my decision of not helping him out because the past exp that I had and for stealing my college fund??
Comments
NTA. He fucking stole from you.
He’s lucky you still talk to him.
NTA. You can still love him. But you owe him nothing. You don’t need to enable his addiction.
Leaning NTA, but… impossible to judge your entire life and relationship with him from 2 paragraphs…
NTA. Tell him that he got everything he’s going to ever get from you when he stole your college fund and gambled it away, and that he needs to grow up and get a few more jobs, like you had to to put yourself through college.
The rest of your family can bail him out again if they want, but you’re not an enabler.
NTA. He should sell his house, rent and get a new job. He’s lucky you don’t sue him for the money he stole.
Nah, if you help him financially now, it will never stop. You’d just be enabling a lifelong dependency nta
Were your parents still married when your mom passed? If so, it was his money, too. He can use it how he sees fit.
NTA. he’s trying to use you familial ties to rob you. if he can’t even accept responsibility for draining your college fund, and is still lying to you about his obvious gambling addiction, i only see this going one way: you give him the money, even though you can’t afford it, and he keeps coming back for more. over and over again. if you bail him out now, you will be his go-to savior forever.
I’m not sure I would have mentioned the past – let him suspect but not KNOW that is the reason. Still not the ah for not helping. You don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm – especially if there is a possible addiction involved.
While there is a shift happening, in many places it is still a seller’s market. If you have the time AND INCLINATION – you can offer help in other ways like helping him to come up with a way to cut costs. Helping him clean up the house and get it ready for sale and finding a more affordable living situation (not your home though!)
But to the extended family “Yeah, maybe I shouldn’t have brought up the past, although I can’t trust that he didn’t lose his job or isn’t in such dire straights because he’s gambling again. However, even if I didn’t feel the way I feel and it is all above board that he legit lost his job and he didn’t gamble away a nest egg – you can’t get blood from a stone. I don’t have the money to help him.
“I get it dad. Times are tough but I’m happy to help. Tell you what, word is when mom died she left me some money in a trust and I’d be happy to share it with you… unless some asshole gambled it all away.”
Some say I’m petty. NTA.
He probably is still gambling his life away and wants you to fund his life. I wouldn’t do it. He needs to get his life together and maybe get a second job as many jobs as he needs to do to take care of himself he’s an adult and he needs to act like one.
After you repay me for the money you stole from my college fund, I will start helping you. NTA
Nta he needs to find a job, take out a loan and maybe look into selling his house because he can’t afford it. If he gambled your college fund, he is probably still gambling. Also it sounds like you can’t afford to help him out. He can find other solutions or make tough decisions
NTA. You know he’s gambling and no one else is going to give him money. Take care of your own business.
If he’s still gambling, any money you give him will go to that.
Sometimes addicts need to have nothing left before they’ll look for help.
NTA. Congratulations on graduating!
NTA
You already did show your gratitude to him but not having him prosecuted for stealing your college fund. You’ve already helped him out to the tune all of the money in that fund and he hasn’t paid any of it back yet. That’s enough.
The dude needs help. Not just financial but mental help.
If you are not in a position to help him financially, then try not to feel guilty that you can’t.
If you ARE in a position to help him financially and simply dont want to, I think it is safe to say you shouldn’t feel guilty about that, either. You dont owe him anything.
If he has family enough that they can bother you about your help, they can sure as fuck help him instead.
NTA.
He’s an addict. Addicted to gambling. Ask him how he got into his current financial difficulties, my guess is he will deny it’s gambling, and blow up at you and deceive you to hide the truth. Right?
And addicts manipulate, wheedle, whine, steal, lie to get their fix.
Remember that. You cant trust him, probably ever, with money. If you ever give him money consider it a gift, and remember you have no obligation.
He’ll next pull out the “I raised you, and it cost me, and you owe me” card. Except he chose to have your, raise you, and put that cost in… you had no choice in it and we never owe our parents, repay our parents, for bringing us to life and raising us. That’s just not a thing.
NTA. He’s lucky you didn’t go NC after he stole from you. That was really cruel to you and a huge betrayal towards your mom and all the sacrifices she made to save for you.
It sounds like his problem is that you are appropriately grateful “for everything he has done for you”.
It’s not even vindictive on your part, it’s like “sorry dude, but you’re on your own, just like I was”.
What does he expect, that you take him in and give him pocket money?
Tell anyone bitching at you that you’ll let them know they want to help.
NTA
NTA. You said things are tight, so you can’t help him out anyway. Don’t sweat it.
NTA. Your dad stole your money and didn’t tell you. People get arrested for stealing. It’s not like he used it for medical bills, or helped a family member. No, he gambled it all away! Now he says you’re ungrateful? Hell no! Don’t let him or anyone else make you feel bad or guilty for not taking him in. It’s karma. What goes around comes around. Move on with your life and feel proud that even though the money your mom saved for you would’ve helped you and saved a few years, you still did what you had to do to make it and you did great. Pat yourself on the back.
NTA…
“Because you gambled my college fund away, I will never be able to be there financially for you. If you can respect this we still may be able to have a relationship, but this will depend on how you treat me.”
NTA!!
For your own closure I’d talk to him about the money. Not saying I don’t believe the friend but sometimes people embellish. Saw him buy a scratch off or played poker with him turns into “he blew all the money”.
I’m sure he did some of that sometimes but I have a friend whose mom passed away about the same age as yours. They had multiple kids and going from a dual income family to single income while trying to maintain a similar lifestyle ate up what could have been the kids inheritance. It took my friend a while, and having her own kids, to understand that in order to keep living in their same house and have a lot of the same things she did before, the money had to come from somewhere.
Not only stole the funds from you, he stole from your mother. No. He can figure life out on his own.
NTA. Gamble away your kid’s college fund, reap the consequences. I would do exactly the same thing.
Gamblers can be very manipulative, so watch out! I second all the tips about changing lock, bank details etc just in case. Stick to your decision, he is ill and cannot be reasoned with.
He is still gambling and can get another job. You should never give him money; he will just gamble it away.
There is a good chance, the mortgage he needs to pay is from an equity loan. You are 28, the home s/b close to being paid off.
NTA – tell him to do what you had to do. Take out some loans and lock down a job. ANY job.
Nah mate, def NTA. It’s gotta feel bad, he’s family after all, but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm, y’know? Dude made his bed, doesn’t mean you gotta jump in it with him. Look after your own first, especially given the sh*t he pulled with your mum’s money. Stay strong, bro. He’s gotta learn his lesson just like you had to.
Tell him to ask his gambling buddies for help. NTA.
NTA. Helping him will only enable him if he’s still gambling. He needs to hit his bottom and it can’t happen if people help him. And it can be difficult watching it happen and you have paid enough for his addiction.
NTA and I recommend you ask your Dad point blank what happened to your education fund. Is he still gambling? Is that why he’s broke now? If that’s the case any money you gave him (because he’d never pay it back) would just be throwing good money after bad.
He’s going to have to sort himself out, just like you had to.
NTA “Dad I’m sorry but because I didn’t have a college fund it took me longer to graduate than normal. I spent quite a few of those years working for much lower wages than I would have if I had been able to graduate at 22, and I have hefty monthly college loan payments as well. Like it or not I am not in a position to help you financially. I am happy to help you polish up your resume so you can find work as soon as possible.”
Was going to say ESH, your Dad because he turned to gambling likely to cope with your mother’s death and gambled away your fund and likely did use some on bills.
You because you can’t forgive your own dad.
He’s human
Humans make mistakes
Some cope differently with loss and grief and with no effective coping mechanisms in place, depression and addiction can occur.
Need more info.
He could have tried harder to help you pay for school.
What kind of a man was he before your loss?
Perhaps meet for coffee or a walk and have a difficult conversation. Find out the why.
Lot of things to consider but do look at the big picture when making your decision.
You can forgive and still keep boundaries in place
Never give a gambler money
NTA. Guaranteed he wouldn’t pay anything back. Parent or stranger, the only way we have to judge future behavior is past behavior. His past behavior says you should not trust him. What your relatives do for him is their business. But they should STFU about you not giving him money.
The truth hurts. NTA
If money is tight for you, you are not in a position to help anyway.
NTA. First, he is a fucking thief. Second, even if he wasn’t an AH- you said things are tight for you too. Do not fuck yourself over to help someone else, who is apparently irresponsible.
NTA, he’s a grown man, why doesn’t he have any savings?
If he has a gambling problem, you would be enabling him. People with a gambling problem will waste all your money if you give it to them.
Don’t do it.
“I just don’t have anything to loan.” DONE
your dad had and still has a gambling addiction. if you give him money, you are enabling the addiction. NTA, he also stole from you.
NTA make him sign a legal loan so than he knows that he spent the money meant for you now he owes you back every cent or legally you will now go after him those are the stipulations if sea desperate he will take it or sell his place and be homeless he’s got choices he never gave you.
You’re grateful he didn’t kick you out is that what he means but you took all money your mom left for you right he’s the crook gambling and bad habits spilled into his life wonder why he lost his job now
You should be grateful for all he’s done for you? The man hasn’t done jack shit for you. Please do not feel guilty and do not give him any money he’s probably still gambling and we’ll just fritter it away.
It was a Trust. I’m really pretty sure there’s something you can do legally. So just tell your going to do him the favor of not hiring a lawyer to pursue garnishment.
You had to work hard the last years because of his mistakes. Now it’s his turn to have several jobs.
I’m a caustic cutthroat person when it comes to blood relations so maybe not the best advice but I’d throw his words back at him with “Yes I am not grateful for everything you have done to me such as stealing from my trust and gambling it away so here we are”…..
NTA, you say he’s still your dad. Ok what makes him that? A fractional dna connection? You share quite a bit with every human on earth, over 99% in fact. Taking care of and protecting you to ensure you had a good life? Really he did that, because it sure doesn’t sound like it. Being honest and trustworthy and someone you could rely on? hmm probably not. Alright lets try meeting the bare minimum of a stranger then. Not intentionally doing things that Actively cause you harm. After all that’s the bar a complete stranger is expected to meet right? Not intentionally take an action that they know directly causes you to suffer. Oh wait he hasn’t even managed to meet THAT bar. He might be a sperm donor but he certainly doesn’t deserve the title of parent. He lost Any claim to that long ago.
Now all that said how do you know the money he needs will even go to bills? Let’s assume for the sake of argument you let your (misplaced) guilt get the better of you and send him money. He had no problem gambling away your future, do you really think he won’t gamble away his present? Hell it’s likely how he got here to begin with.
You should absolutely help him out. Tell him you’re going to pay back every penny that he spent on your education and you hope it helps him out as much as it helped you. How dare he try and guilt you for money. NTA
” I spent years struggling because you committed fraud and stole the funds that were legally left to me from mum via inheritance. You didn’t do anything for me that you weren’t legally obligated to provide. I can not help you, and I will not. Don’t ask me again. “
NTA. “Everything he’s done” for you like stealing tens of thousands of dollars from you, putting you in a situation that very likely mirrored his current situation for years, and that you are only just getting out of now? You are not obligated to enable your abuser, even if the abuse was “only” financial.
Nta. If you can’t help, you can’t help. It is what it is. What are you supposed to do about? Can you miraculously make money out of thin air? Your family getting on your case can help out.. or here’s an idea. He can get a iob.
I would have just laughed and hung up