My mom has always had a hard time respecting boundaries ever since I was young so her and I have always been on and off in our relationship. I wouldn’t say we’ve ever been very close.
I’m currently pregnant and the whole pregnancy she has always done and said things that have been making me feel on edge. It started when I first told her I was pregnant and the first thing she said was “I had a dream that I had a baby so it’s probably my baby coming through you.” I let it go hoping it just meant she was exited but then throughout my pregnancy she keeps calling my child “My baby.” I’ve told her that it really bothers me and makes me feel territorial and I didn’t like feeling that way, so I asked her to stop and she never did. She started to think it was funny that I got so upset every time she said it so now she says it “as a joke.” She also “jokes” that she’s going to take my baby overnight without me knowing because I’m so protective.
One of the biggest things that really bothered me was when I shared a picture of my baby’s first ultrasound with her and asked her to keep it very private. She ended up making it her background on her phone and I asked her to please take it off because the ultrasound pictures weren’t meant for anyone else to see and they were extremely special to me and my husband. She agreed to take it off but recently a family member of mine told me that she put it back on her phone after her and I had an argument.
I’m due any day now and I’m really leaning towards cutting contact off with her and not allowing her to see my child. I feel like if she can’t respect simple boundaries she won’t be able to respect boundaries I’ll have around my newborn. Am I the asshole?
Comments
You’re not the asshole your mom’s repeatedly ignored clear boundaries even after being told how it affects you protecting your child and peace isn’t cruel it’s responsible
She said she’s going to take your baby without your knowledge, there’s a mama bear inside you who knows this is a threat and she is not a safe person. Whether she’d actually go to that extreme or not she has stomped over your boundaries and belittled you – cut her off. And the usual Reddit recommendations: cameras, make sure she has no keys to your home etc. NTA
NTA. If you’re mother is one of those typical narcissistic parents, you will always need to be the one to draw the line. Has she been a good mother to you starting from your childhood? If not, then she doesn’t deserve to grandma your child. First things first, fix your relationship first with your mother then the part about access to your child comes second.
NTA, the whole “my baby” thing isn’t a joke it’s a red flag, she will show zero respect to you as a parent and will ignore all your boundaries around your child
NTA. She is not–at this moment at least–a safe person for you or your child to be around.
No more updates. No more photos. Honestly she needs therapy, but you have bigger fish to fry at the moment and wrestling her to that isn’t your problem right now. I don’t know if there is your father in the picture or stepdad you like? A friend of hers? If there is someone you can trust who knows her well and has some influence on her, I would MAYBE voice your concerns about the behavior.
But honestly, I think this is a frank phone conversation with your mom. A “Tell her that you’ll talk to her in a few months” kind of situation. I’m sure that’s hard because as your mom you need or want or had imagined her with you through this…but this behavior occasionally happens with some women, and it is never healthy to engage in it. Babies and hormones and all of that stuff are weird…. And stuff like this can escalate really quickly. You don’t need that right now.
You go take care of yourself mama. <3 Make sure your husband is on the same page. If you have brothers and sisters I would speak with them as well. Best of luck and love for your beautiful child to come.
NTA The ultrasound pic is annoying, but that sounds more like the two of you are in a power struggle more than anything, which is not helpful or constructive.
The part I’m focusing on is where she said she would take your baby without your knowledge. I’m a very easygoing parent of three, and if anyone ever literally told me that they were going to kidnap one of my children I would never allow them anywhere near my kids nor would I share any of my kids’ info with them. That’s not a joke, that’s a threat and something people go to prison for a long time for.
NTA
Definitely go no contact. Your mom sounds unhinged and very unstable. This is the kind of stuff that if you’re watching a movie, you’re yelling at the screen and telling the person to RUN!!! Which I would be doing if I were you. She’s continuing to disrespect your wishes and then tries to play it off as jokes, but in reality, they’re not jokes. I feel that she truly means it. The fact that she still calls your baby her baby is wild and then makes an off hand comment about taking your baby in the night? Oh hell no, definitely put up some cameras and make sure your doors are locked up tight and even change the locks. Because I don’t put it past this woman to copy your house key if you haven’t given her one.
NTA. NC until she proves she has changed is quite reasonable, especially since she threatened to steal your child. You and your husband need to have the boundaries and consequences conversation -about her and anyone else that has been breaking your (plural) boundaries.
NTA, her immediate reaction to you being pregnant being “oh you must be carrying MY baby” instead of being happy for you is WILD. Set whatever boundary you need to. Your job is to protect your baby, and sometimes that can mean even from your own parent.
Regardless of whether or not she would actually take your baby the fact that she said it would be enough for me to end any contact. That’s just creepy and would scare the crap out of me to be honest. We see this kind of stuff happen all the time so it’s not like we’re all being paranoid.
NTA Why would you share anything with this boundary stomper? Put her on an information diet
I’m sure I’m going against the grain here. I don’t think you’ve been good at holding to your boundaries with your mother in the past. It seems you’re offering a suggestion rather than a clear boundary.
I suggest talking with your partner and determining healthy boundaries for your new family.
Communicate with your mom what the boundaries are and what’s going to happen if she crosses them.
For example, “Mom, I’m your baby. The baby growing inside me is mine, not yours. Please don’t refer to my baby as yours. If you continue to do so, you’ll force us to go low contact with you until we feel safe.”
I would also assume any picture you send will be made public. Let her know that because she didn’t respect your request not to share the ultrasound picture, she won’t be allowed to take any pictures of you or the baby, and you won’t be sending any to her that you don’t want shared publicly.
This is a new stage of your relationship that will need to be navigated closely, or you will never be able to trust her. At the same time, it’s a chaotic time of life, and you might want to be able to lean on Mom. (Edit: Not to mention, she’s got to be over the moon!!! I know that I would be, and I’d probably go overboard without some guidance, too! I also know the last thing I’d want to do is cause you stress during this time.)
Just remember, you are your baby’s mother, and you call ALL THE SHOTS!
Good grief do not let this woman anywhere near you or your child. I would be very strict about that. This sort of nutty behavior is unsafe and I can imagine her trying to breast feed the baby when you go out of the room! Just do not see her again, you need to be at your very strongest for your new child and the new you, not looking over your shoulder constantly. Congratulations on the new baby, I wish you both the very best 🙂
She’s unhinged. Cut her off completely and don’t allow her access to anything. If there was ever a time to grow a shiny spine and go full mama bear it’s now. She’ll take over the delivery room, you’ll never be able to hold your child without her swooping in and treating it like a tug of war and the baby as the prize. Your breasfeeding will be wrong, your clothing choices will be wrong, your sleeping arrangements will be wrong. She’ll dominate everything and you’ll be left wondering if you were just the surrogate.
My friend just gave birth and nobody knew for a month. She and her partner went full information lockdown and only announced it a couple of weeks ago. The only one who knew was her sister, and she kept it quiet. I don’t think she’s even told her mother yet as they’ve been no contact since she got pregnant for similar reasons to your mother.
NTA. Your mum needs professional help. Her behavior is irrational and unhinged. Until she is helped I would trust your instincts and stay away from her.
You would be insane to allow her anywhere near that child when you know all this shit about her. It would make you crazier than she is, and she’s deranged
NTA
You need to PHYSICALLY GUARD your baby against this crazy woman. AND a restraining order, but ACTUALLY PHYSICALLY PROTECT the baby every second.MAJORITY OF ABDUCTIONS ARE BY WOMEN. And she’s probably not afraid of consequences.
Why are you sharing anything about your baby with a person who stomps on your boundaries and thinks it’s funny to say she plans on taking your baby? There was no need to give a copy of the ultrasound. Start learning to say “no” or she will be making your life miserable. I wouldn’t even let her know you’re in labor. NTA
Stop sharing anything with her. She has showed you she won’t keep things private or respect you in anyway. Just put her on an information diet and don’t let her in your home. Where is the baby’s father? Can he help you?
Yeah you need a restraining order. Don’t let that psycho near your baby! You need peace not crazy!
NTA, change your locks or rekey them, get cameras, BLOCK HER, tell the hospital staff shes not allowed, do not let her in your house.
If you do let her in, do not let her take pictures – this will not end well for anyone involved. Do not send her pictures without adding “do not share” “not for sharing” to the center of the image; all smart phones can do this extremely easily.
You gain nothing by having her around, so really think about this.
She keeps showing you time after time why she shouldn’t be in your or your baby’s life. I’d say that you should go ahead and honour that. NTA
Go ‘No Contact’ with your mom. She has said that she will take your child without you knowing. BELIEVE HER! It sounds like she is ‘ Way Out There’. DO NOT allow her to be around your child. Protecting your baby is top priority.
Neither one of you seems to have enough problems, and it seems that she reacts like a middle school kid who found a weakness /fear in another kid: she says things because they annoy you… why don’t both of you read some good books, get hobbies etc?
Cut her off yesterday! Get security cameras everywhere and change your locks. You don’t know if she somehow made a copy without your knowledge.
Someone who literally torments you, tells you”jokes” meant to distress you and threatens to basically kidnap your child because she has twisted control issues shouldn’t be anywhere near you or your newborn. She has no one but herself to blame for you cutting her off. Go NC and feel no guilt.
Every time she says “My Baby,” respond with “your grandbaby”. When you respond with my baby, it sounds territorial. By saying your grandbaby, it established her connection to the baby without threatening your place in the baby’s life. Of course, you are in charge, but communicating with your mom could set boundaries without seeming confrontational.
Nta if she truly feels like you are carrying her baby she will want them when you are done being her surrogate. You are not safe near this woman and neither is your child. If you do let her around she will try to claim your baby while you are recovering from postpartum saying she is just trying to help, she might try to breastfeed her baby ( because why wouldn’t she if she thinks it belongs to her), and trying to convince your child to call her mama. Get away while you can and get plenty of cameras. Also prepare for this crazy lady to try to sue for grandparents rights.
NTA
I would not take that as a joke. She has threatened to take your child from you. No access and no contact are the best choices here.
Updateme
ur mom’s ignoring ur boundaries and that’s not okay, especially now. it’s fair to protect ur baby and set limits. ur feelings are valid.
NTA. I would not even tell her you had the baby. Make sure she does not have a key to your house. Block or mute her number.
Congratulations on your baby!!
NTA
You need to get away from her before she tells everyone that you’re “not coping” and takes your kid.
INFORM THE STAFF SHE’S NOT ALLOWED IN OR NEAR THE DELIVERY ROOM OR RECUPERATION ROOM. GIVE THEM A PICTURE.
WHEN YOU GET HOME, PRINT A PICTURE OF HER AND HER CAR AND ASK THE NEIGHBOURS TO CONTACT YOU IF THEY SEE HER/HER CAR.
CAMERAS, UPGRADE SECURITY SYSTEM AND SECURITY LOCKS. DON’T LEAVE ANY WINDOW OPEN.
I pray you won’t need any of this, but just in case. I wish you a safe delivery and recovery and wish the three of you a loving life ❤️
NTA. Your paranoia sounds justified, thus not truly paranoia. And you are right about the boundaries thing.
Don’t tell your mom when you deliver, but still put her in the ”not allowed“ list at the hospital.
Your mom isn’t disrespectful; she’s delusional. Protect your baby at all costs
NTA – She’s both weird & insufferable. You don’t need the stress. I’d send her a message saying that you’re focusing on building your own family and cutting out stressful factors, including her. Block her on everything. Make sure your home is secure and if flying monkeys pop up, block them too. Keep off socials till baby has arrived and you’re settled. Ask for support & share info ONLY with your SO & friends you can 100% trust.
Then actually DO focus on the family you’re building. Plan with SO exactly how he can support you, then enjoy this special time in your life.
Cut contact!!! She’s gonna take your baby!! He’s lost it!
If you decide to allow her to see YOUR baby, NEVER EVER EVER, leave her alone with the baby EVER‼️‼️.
Don’t allow her to visit your home if you are not there.
Learn to set firm uncrossable boundaries with her and anyone. Have consequences when your boundaries are crossed. Until you show your mom with consequences, then she will continue to cross your boundaries and not take you seriously.
You’ve got this mama bear 🐻.
Congratulations on your baby‼️
Updateme
Do not notify anyone when you go into labor. Turn off your phones. If your mom has a key to your house, change the locks. Wait till you are home before letting anyone know baby has arrived. What she doesn’t know she can’t interfere with. Good luck.
If someone tells me they are going to take my baby they automatically lose the privilege of being in the baby’s life. NTA
NTA. Cut her off before the baby comes. Make sure the hospital knows not to allow anyone in to see you. I probably wouldn’t even tell anyone when you go into labor. St least not anyone with ties to her. Once your home and settled you can tell people.
You should have cut this woman off a long time ago. Do it now. This woman is crazy.
Make sure your husband backs your decision.
NTA
Ntah
And this is from someone wise family members all refer to each other’s kids as “my babies”. My nieces and nephews are “my babies”. My child is my parents’ “baby” and my brothers and sister have referred to my daughter as “their” baby. I was 26 when I had my daughter, I was the first of my siblings to have a baby, and my 20 year old brother would “steal” my daughter with a “give me my baby” (and she’d suddenly be back to being “not his baby” when she needed a diaper change and then being back to “his baby” once she was changed). So, yeah. The possessive pronoun of “my” can be totally normal when it’s used by “normal” people who also aren’t using it in a way that minimizes the parent. It’s used as a loving term in my family. I still refer to my fully grown sister who has teenagers as “my baby sister”. She’s my youngest sibling.
There’s doing things in a loving manner and there’s respecting boundaries. You can’t do one without doing the other.
NTA
Tell the hospital she is banned from you and your baby! Get cameras installed and flat out tell her to get mental help or she’ll never see your child(ren)! She is acting extremely childish, manipulative and frankly PSYCHOTIC!! Do not let her ever be alone with your baby! Err on the side of caution. She needs mental help NOW.
NTA: This is your child not hers. Everything you said about her gave me the ick.
You have the right to choose to have a relationship with her or not, on your terms. If my mother were stilll alive I would not allow her to have a relationship with my kids either because she was an abusive narcissist.
The safety and wellbeing of your child and you comes first, not your mother’s ego. She sounds toxic AF.
You are allowed to set your boundaries.
Updateme
Does she have a key to your house? If so, change the locks now.
Time for an info diet. Dont contact her when you go into labour or when you give birth. Keep it quiet for a week or so.
When she shows up without checking – Now is not a good time. Please call us prior to coming round.
I would definitely put a lot of space between you.