Hi everyone,
I’m a 21-year-old male living in Hawaiʻi with my parents and my 12-year-old younger brother. My parents have been married for over 20 years. For about the last year, my dad (45M) has been emotionally and verbally abusive toward my mom (43F). He constantly belittles her, controls the finances, and uses money to manipulate her. He has repeatedly told my mom that since he pays for everything, she should just leave if she doesn’t like it.
About a year ago, things escalated to physical abuse. My dad spat on my mom and left bruises on her. She never reported it, but it has taken a huge toll on her mentally and emotionally. My mom has been seeing a therapist for support, but she is mentally exhausted and feels trapped.
On top of the abuse, my dad has been cheating on my mom with an ex-girlfriend. He’s taken secret trips overseas—to the Philippines and Korea—to meet with this woman, lying about his whereabouts. This has been going on for almost a year as well.
Tonight they were arguing again, and I finally spoke up against my dad because I couldn’t stay silent anymore. I’m worried that speaking up might make things worse, but I can’t watch my mom suffer any longer.
I want to help my mom get out safely and protect my younger brother from growing up in this toxic and abusive environment. I’ve started researching domestic violence and legal resources in Hawaiʻi (like DVAC and Legal Aid Society), and encouraged my mom to gather important documents and consider her options. But she’s scared and feels stuck, especially due to financial control and emotional manipulation from my dad.
Has anyone supported a parent through something like this? What practical, emotional, and legal steps can I take to help her? How can I support my mom without overwhelming her or pushing too hard? I’m scared and don’t know where to start.
Thank you for reading and for any advice or support.
⸻
TL;DR:
My dad (45M) has been emotionally and physically abusive toward my mom (43F) for about a year, including physical assaults last year. He’s also been cheating on her with an ex, taking secret overseas trips. I’m 21M and want to help my mom get out safely and protect my 12-year-old brother, but she feels stuck because of financial control and emotional abuse. Looking for advice on how to support her emotionally, legally, and practically.