I’m 29 and have been with my girlfriend for just under four years. My girlfriend is 26. When we got together neither of us were certain on if we wanted children so we agreed to just discuss it further down the line when we were more sure of what we wanted.
I’ve recently come to the realisation that I don’t want kids. I enjoy my free time and enjoy going on holidays I want to go on without factoring in activities for children etc among other reasons such as finances.
I sat my girlfriend down and explained this to her. She got annoyed and said she thought we could stary trying for a baby in the next couple of years. I asked why she hasn’t actually mentioned this to me since we agreed to talk about things when we were more sure.
She just accused me of stringing her along but I pointed out I’ve discussed it with her when I knew whereas she didn’t actually tell me what she was thinking. She just said I clearly wasn’t serous about her and didn’t love her enough but I just pointed out that has nothing to do with it.
How would you handle this?
Tl;dr my girlfriend and I were initially unsure about having kids if not. We agreed to talk once one of us was sure. I now know I don’t want kids so I told her. She has accused me of stringing her along.
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She’s probably upset that you are not on the same page and lashing out. Or she has put two and two together and has realised that you are likely going to split up.
And hence now is the time for the serious discussion.
You both want different things and have grown to be incompatible. That means there is no future for you together. There is no middle ground, whatever you do, if you stay together one of you will be miserable.
It sounds like your previous conversation a long time ago was vague and noncommittal abd you both took what you wanted from it. She hoped or assumed you would grow to want kids. You hoped or assumed that she would decide not to want them. Unfortunately you both grew in different directions.
Don’t waste each other’s time, your happiness now lies with other partners.
Firstly, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I am going through a similar situation but in regards to marriage. I have never wanted it and been very upfront and honest from the beginning about this, I said there might be the possibility of a civil partnership instead but again, just a maybe.
We’re still navigating this and it’s rough. I’m not going to be forced to do something I don’t want. I guess it comes down to her and whether she can see herself not having children but still being with you. I get that people’s aspirations change but the fact you were honest and upfront in the beginning shows that this is going to be more of a her problem navigating this situation and dealing with the emotions that come with it. Don’t ever feel pressured to back down either, think about the life you want for yourself because you need to think about your own happiness too! ☺️
Be careful she doesn’t suddenly end up pregnant.
She assumed you would just do as she wanted.
Well, you have the right to change your mind, you are young and things and opinions change. She probably will come to this conclusion as well when she is pass the mourning of the future you could have together, the future she thought she had.
Now it’s time to sit down again and break up, for both your sakes.
What she was unsure of was the who with and the when of it, not whether or not she’d ever have kids. You just dropped yourself out of the race. All these feelings she had for you now feel wasted. You need to break up with as little pain as possible.
She is mad because she is aware that this is a decision that will likely split you up at some point. There is and never should be any compromise when it comes to children. If she wants them and you do not this relationship has run its course. She will need some time to come to terms with this and it is easier for her to turn you into the villain who “wasted” four years of her time than just accept that you came to a different decision than her. The reality is you two most likely want different things in life and that is totally fair.
I would not have any sexual contact more and would distance myself from the relationship. She is gonna want to habe children 100% and you not. As hard as it it, you have to rescue yourself my guy
IF you don’t want kids, then it’s time to break up, because she WANTS to have kids, and if she gets pregnant now..are you ready for that?
It is just not.. uum, we will see..ooopsie, pregnant!
What’s to talk about? You won’t want the future she wants, its over. It doesn’t matter who knew what, you now both know.
You also need to remember men dont have the same clock women have.
Unfortunately – and it’s nobody’s fault – you’ve grown in separate directions and are no longer compatible. You agreed to communicate again when you were more sure, and you’ve done exactly that. It’s really sad, but you’re on different pages now so it’s time to leave this relationship behind. I’m so sorry.
You handle it by making plans to start over as a single person. You both want different futures. That is ok. Its sad that this is relationship ending but it is better now than in a few years times.
If your ire is more to do with being told you’ve wasted her time…that is how she feels. There’s nothing to be done. If you’re wanting to argue it, then its an ego thing and you’re only going to make the break up worse. Don’t engage in discussions about faults. Your belief is that she didn’t discuss her feelings with you, Hers is different. Someone will always be the bad guy in a breakup story. Be kind in ending it and leave with your head held high.
My ex did the same thing – sadly the truth was she wasn’t material to be a mother…. She number one was super dishonest often and just never had financial sense and was always having $ issues. She expected everything to be done for her.
She would never be who I wanted to make a kid with – and that’s the one thing she ended up focusing on a year in. Of course she ended up cheating so I was so happy telling her prior that I didn’t want a kid.
I also found out six months into our relationship she already had a kid like 15 years prior and abandoned the kid completely….
You know if someone’s wife/mother material and if you are – and if either of these are no do NOT do it
For your sake and the kids sake
She was never “unsure”. She just hoped you’d change your mind. You two are incompatible. The kids/no kids question is a 100% dealbreaker. There is no compromise or middle ground. You didn’t string her along, but you would be now if you stay together. There’s no other way to handle this but to break up and move on to more compatible partners.
You end the relationship. You’re not compatible. You want different things She was a young woman in her early 20’s, children weren’t on her mind. She’s nearing 30, that’s when a lot of women realize they running out of time. So she’s reacting because she feels you wasted her time
Men seem to forget the time frame for women to have biological kids is very short. If a woman gets pregnant at 35 it’s considered a geriatric pregnancy . A man fan father a child well into his 90s
Could be that she was looking to end things and now has something to pin on you. Best stick to your guns, though.