As the title reads..I have not been truthful with my now husband of half a year. We’ve been together for 2 years before marrying.
A little backstory…I never had a great sexual relationship either with myself or other partners. The multiple partners I’ve had I haven’t been honest with either in fear that I would be deemed untrustworthy and even worse be pitied or be seen as weird since I can barely get myself off without it taking forever or sometimes not at all.
I love my husband. He’s a wonderful man. He’s average size and has never had a sexual partner before me. Over the years he’s read up on how to please women and makes me feel really good and we’ve gotten into a good groove of things for the most part but I’m not sure how to tell him that for whatever god forsaken reason, I just can’t get off.
The only time I’ve been able to get off is (sorry for tmi) we are in doggy position and I have a vibrator. I don’t use my vibrator all the time because it makes me feel as if I’m hurting his feelings as if he can’t provide me with enough satisfaction from just him.
I’m constantly thinking about how I look or sound or if it’s been too long and if I should just give up and fake an orgasm and it makes me feel horrible. He’s super attentive to me but it makes me feel bad..like really really bad. I’ve been eaten up with this guilt for our entire relationship. I don’t know how to bring it up to him but I know I need to. I was fully prepared to just fake my orgasms for the rest of our sex life so that he would be happy and I won’t have to ruin what we have but after hearing another similar Reddit story but from the male op’s perspective, it just makes me feel even more guilty. I don’t want him to think it’s something with him because it’s hard for me to make myself orgasm so it’s not like there’s a skill issue or anything of that sort on his end. I also don’t want him to think I don’t trust him. I do absolutely trust him. I just don’t even know how to come to face it myself. I don’t know where to start and how I should bring this up to him. I honestly worry if something is just wrong with me and if I should just continue doing this for the rest of our sex life.
Another thought is I don’t want him to feel like he isn’t bringing enough to the table so to speak. He sometimes is self conscious when it comes to his skill and size and I really don’t want to make him feel like any of this is because of his doing or is his fault
So Reddit…any advice on how I should bring this up to him? Has anyone had this same experience and what have you done to help fix things?
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A lot of women cannot get off from PIV. He needs to realize that.
If it’s difficult for you to do it yourself, it’s a sure bet no one else will be able to.
Should you tell him? Do you have to go as far as fake an orgasm or isn’t just faking it based on his motions enough?
It may not be good to cut off his balls in one swoop.
Don’t start something now you don’t want to do for 30 years!!
You need to be honest, gentle and approach it like a team. If he cares, he’ll put in the effort. It’ll be rough for him to know you’ve been dishonest but you both are married and should be able to have sensitive conversations where you both want solutions to make you both happy.
This sounds like Auto-Erotic-Pavlov’s-dog. Training your husband the right ways to make sure you won’t orgasm.
Okay, I need you to RESEARCH. Look into your anatomy and the physiology of how orgasms work in your body. I promise you are not alone, most women can’t O from penetration alone, that’s a myth fed to us by porn.
The part of your body with the most nerves is on the outside, of course stimulating that is the easiest way to get there, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. I also struggle to O from P-in-V alone, so my partner pretty much just gets me off a few times before we even get to penetration.
Another tip, stop thinking of sex as him sticking it inside you until he’s done. Foreplay can be the main event, sex should be FUN. Toys are aides, not replacements, and if he understands that too, there’s no reason you guys can’t have fun with them together and add to your playtime.
Admitting that you’ve never orgasmed before is going to be hard, but again, research, look at the numbers, you’re so not alone. The orgasm gap between men and women is enormous, and there are a bunch of articles and stuff to give tips on how to approach the conversation. But definitely do it outside of sex in a calm, relaxed time. Hold his hand while you talk, and reassure him as much as possible that you’re admitting this FOR the relationship and because you love him. It’ll definitely be awkward, but its worth it for a lifetime of better sex lol
Obviously being kind in tone and language makes the difference but many dudes, good dudes, don’t mind hearing that we have some work to do to make the experience better.
Framing it as a way to improve might be better than saying you’ve been unsatisfied this entire time, but honesty is key above all else. Also if you have specific areas he can improve on that might he better.
If you don’t, and it sounds like you also might need to take some time to explore what does and doesn’t work, have an experimental night. Have toys and a list of options and don’t focus on making a sexy moment but moreso kinda just have fun covering a wide array of things and adjusting to see if they do or don’t feel great.
First, stop lying to him about orgasming. Second, communicate with him. Don’t tell him you’ve been faking the entire time (you’ll crush him) but say that sometimes you fake it and you’re trying to get where you don’t have to anymore.
Second, you sound very much in your own head overthinking everything. Relax. Not everyone climaxes every time you have sex. Even guys. That’s ok. It’s about intimacy and fun. But if you’re stressing about orgasming, you won’t orgasm. Just like men freaking out about erections cause problems with them.
You said that your husband is attentive and has done a fair amount of research. From that I’ll figure it’s safe to assume he understands foreplay, both physical and mental and that foreplay actually begins at good morning all the way up until “the bedroom”. It seems like he would go to great lengths…or doesn’t mind at least putting in the needed effort to please you. Assuming all of that, I’d venture to say that he most likely isn’t the issue. Sex is very different for men and women. This is something alot of women have trouble admitting, but as a woman, you have to prepare your mind and body for sex. Even the most gifted and knowledgeable man can fail to help you climax if you yourself are fighting against him. Whatever you need to come to terms with about sex or any sexual trauma that you may have experienced in the past you really should seek out professional help so that you can get out of your own way and begin to experience the full extent of sexual pleasure.
I don’t say this to be cruel so I truly hope that’s not how it comes across. All I meant to say is you need to get out of your own head. Free yourself. I assume that’s easier said than done, but that’s where the professional help comes into play. I wish you endless orgasms and lots of love!!! Or endless love and lots of orgasms…which comes first, no pun intended 😊
IMPORTANT NOTE:
DO NOT EVER TELL HIM THAT YOU HAVE BEEN FAKING ORGASMS. Take that shit to your grave. I won’t get into why that wouldn’t be a good idea. Pick any cliche about the fragile male psyche you’d like just don’t tell him that. It won’t make anything better. It may make things worse.
Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski is a must read. 80%+ of women don’t orgasm from penetrative sex alone. You certainly aren’t the only one who needs assistance from a vibe. Or a tongue, or fingers, or whatever.
It has nothing to do with size, shape, or anything of his penis. It just is.
And while you’re worrying about how you look and sound, he’s all, “omg look at her! and her noises! this woman I love is letting me see her naked and she’s making noises!” He loves you and your sounds and the way you look.
Yes, he will probably be disappointed that you’ve lied, but you can get past that. Tell him that you want to learn how to do this together, because you trust him. You have to get out of your head, though. If that takes some therapy, do that.
Sex should be fun and with someone you love, it can be romantic and beautiful and it’s amazing to let go and just trust that the other person won’t be thinking anything other than, “omg that’s so hot” and “look what I made her do”.
Certainly nothing wrong with you. Just like many have said, it is difficult for many women. It might make more sense if you look at how easy it is for us men to O. The penis and the clitoris are analogous structures meaning during development we,typically, develop either or which is why some clitorises are larger than others just like penises. It’s really easy for men to O as that structure is being stimulated from all angles during intercourse while the clitoris is getting the occasional rub. This may make it easier for him to understand as well even though he will likely be crushed and feel as though he has disappointed you for the entirety of your relationship. It’s not up to you to make him feel better about it and you can help him to understand that this is FOR the relationship as you both deserve a fulfilling sexual experience.
You’re thinking too much… how do you want to be taken? To be fulfilled? That’s all there is to it.