TL;DR I think I’m being controlled and I can’t make sense of it. I don’t know if I’m overreacting.
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Can coercive control happen between friendships or is it purely a thing in romantic relationships?
I have a scenario and I need an outside opinion because I think I’m being gaslit.
Myself, F40 and a friend NB40 are in an argument because I contacted their sister and told them about something that had happened that made me upset. For context, we’ve been friends for over 20 years). In the message to the sister, I detailed a scenario that I believed to be true at the time. I did this because I wanted the sister to have a full picture to understand why I was upset. The scenario involved one of her friends who did something that hurt me. This friend was coming to a party where I would have to face her, so I just wanted to let the sister know why I couldn’t.
My message upset her because she obviously likes her friend, and didn’t want to know that her friend did something bad.
Now 40NB is mad at me for not apologizing to her. I don’t think I should have to apologize for 2 reasons:
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I didn’t actually say anything mean or nasty. My message wasn’t malicious or hurtful. It was just my feelings, in the hope that she would support me.
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If I apologize for how I feel, I lose all of my power and concede to people walking all over me and taking advantage of the hurt that I’m feeling. It minimizes my feelings.
That’s not even the real issue. The REAL issue is this:
40NB is now showing signs of resentment towards me because I didn’t apologize. Mind you, the sister didn’t actually ever approach me and tell me she’s upset. She told 40NB that she was upset in a passing conversation and now 40NB seems to be projecting their own emotions onto me and telling me to apologize (because they don’t like that I sent the message)
In the end I simply said to 40NB that I will not apologize for my feelings, I’m sorry this makes them upset”. And they told me that they’re not forcing me to apologize but I should recognize that I have made their sister upset.
I can’t help but feel like something bad will happen if I don’t say sorry. Mostly because I don’t want to be resented.
Can someone tell me what’s happening so I can make sense of it in my head?
Thank you.
Comments
It doesn’t sound like control so far. I can identify that you are in conflict, & your friend wants you to do a thing you don’t want to do, but I can’t see either a pattern or an unusual consequence here. I can’t see that your freedom has been limited.