I’ll keep it brief.
I (24F) and my BF (24M) live together.
I found out he was cheating after I got a Gmail notification on my phone. His email was signed in on my phone and I guess he never signed out. Anyway, it was a change password email for a camsite, like Chaturbate. I scrolled through and found MULTIPLE emails like that signing up for porn sites, OF, etc. Going back as far as a year.
I wanted to confront him when he got home from work, but before I could. His MOM DIED THAT DAY. He called me in tears saying he’s going to the hospital, so I went there and yep, she passed away. So for the past few weeks he and I have been given the task of handling the funeral and all her assets.
Don’t get me wrong, I feel awful for him. I can’t imagine how it’d feel to lose my mom. But I’m having a hard time being 100% present with him now that I know he’s been actively cheating for over a year. I know to some people it’s “not the same” as physical cheating. But he knows FULL WELL that I do.
I feel like I can’t leave, I told myself that I wouldn’t stay in any relationship if this happened. But how am I supposed to navigate this??
Comments
Talk to him about the cheating once you feel comfortable enough to address it and move on from the relationship. Grief doesn’t have a timeline.
You will be ripping off a bandaid.
Just because his mom died doesn’t mean he deserves your support because I agree with you, he’s cheated.
I’d personally let him know that you know and that you guys can talk about it after the funeral but I’d immediately stop talking to him so he can deal with his mom’s loss.
Life happens. Bad things are always going to happen. He knew the boundaries you set and chose to cross them. You can’t stay with him just because its ‘bad time’ for him right now, even when he did something that disrespected you.
I would say “You cheated on me. Out of respect for your mother, I wont make a scene about this, but just know we can’t be together. I’ll stand by you as emotional support through this for the time being, but just know we aren’t together anymore.”
You said you found porn sites etc, that’s not cheating.
Have you actually got proof that he has been meeting people for sex? Or found proof that he’s talking to somebody inappropriately which would be emotional cheating?
If the answer is no to both of them, then he hasn’t cheated.
If he’s chatting to people on cam sites then I think it’s overstepping the mark a bit as it blurs the lines between masturbation and connecting to other people in a sexual nature but it’s still not cheating.
his mom passing doesn’t erase what he did. It complicates when and how you leave-but not whether you’re allowed to
The comments are either joke, ragebait or satire… Watching porn is not cheating.
Girl this is rough holy fuck. If anything wait another week or two however I think you should deal with this asap. Especially since he knew you classified that as cheating yet still went behind your back for a whole year, that’s absurd. The longer you wait the more your delaying the inevitable.
Losing a parent is one of the hardest things someone will ever go thru, as fucked as he may be, he deserves to be around people who want him there, and if you don’t, it’s only fair for the both of you that you let him know. At the very least have a conversation about it, however, this was a massive breach of boundaries for you and it should be treated as such.
I’m just a carwash worker and don’t know shit about shit so please take my words with a grain of salt, you know your situation better than anyone on Reddit
Why are you handling her estate and the funeral? Does she not have any siblings? Other children? What is her son doing?
And I understand why you feel like you can’t leave. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Someone else should be handling her funeral and such, because this will tie you in even longer.
Editing to add – it doesn’t matter what WE think is cheating. SHE thinks it’s cheating and he knew she felt that way. Some people think porn is all bad, some think porn is okay, but any site that is interactive crosses the line. It doesn’t matter. It’s what they agreed to that matters.
What’s the “etc.” mean?
If he’s doing something you don’t like or are disgusted or hurt by, that doesn’t inherently make it cheating.
He hasn’t cheated unless you both consented to a clear and specific outline of what constitutes infidelity. Then, once that boundary is set, if he violates it… he’s cheated on you. That’s how that works. I wouldn’t condone staying in a relationship after being cheated on.
If you have decided he is a cheater and you’re leaving- be gentle and respectful about it. I know that sounds crazy. But I’d avoid any actual direct emotional pressure on him. Make it clear this is more about your values and what you are willing to deal with in any relationship, and less about him being a shitty person, bad boyfriend, etc. Even if he is and it’s true- I don’t know if kicking him while he’s down is the best move. And I can’t imagine it would provide much good or benefit to discuss his character, fight about it or make it a bigger deal than it is.
But if that isn’t the case- consider giving him some grace.
I’ve had male partners in the past that dealt with pornography addiction, and we worked through it. I personally think porn is horrible for our mental health as men. But most men deal with some form
of porn addiction, and in this case you get to choose what kind of partner you wanna be.
watching porn sites isnt cheating. its just letting steam off. would be cheating if he texted other people in sexual manner
He didn’t cheat. End of story.
Shameless people here ok with everything, don’t cry if you get cheated on
If every woman broke up with her man for watching porn, I’m fairly sure there would be no heterosexual relationships left in the western world.
This is certainly worth a conversation because you both had a line drawn but he stepped over it.
My question is, did he support the line or just let you draw it?
So this all warrants a tough conversation. What does he want? What do you want? What can you both live with?
You may come to terms with something you can find acceptable and move forward, or you both may need to move on.
Dont just get angry, scold him, and expect him to change though. Guys who get that treatment tend to just keep hiding the behavior.
Keep in mind porn is a very normal thing for guys, if you expect him to drop it he likely has been watching it since his pre teens. It’s a pretty huge ask.
You have no obligation to stay just to settle your boyfriend’s mother’s estate, unless you were officially named the executrix, which is unlikely. You have two options, stay or go, since you feel you were cheated on and you won’t accept that, go. Leave, leave him, end it and move on. He can handle her estate by himself, I did it for both my parents. Stop looking for ways and reasons to drag it out and end it.
Damn, that’s a heavy spot to be in. I don’t think anyone would blame you for feeling stuck. You’re dealing with betrayal and grief all at once and not even your own grief which makes it more complicated.
Honestly you’re allowed to feel both things at the same time. Empathy for what he’s going through and hurt and anger about what he did. One doesn’t cancel out the other. Just because his world fell apart doesn’t mean yours didn’t too when you saw all those emails.
If you feel like you can’t leave right this second that’s okay. But don’t forget that you can leave. Maybe not today maybe not while everything is fresh and raw but when you’re ready. And you don’t owe anyone an apology for eventually doing what’s best for you.
Take care of yourself in the meantime. You’re carrying a lot.
Don’t listen to anyone saying “it’s not cheating”. It’s your boundaries that were discussed with him, and he’s been violating them for a long time without you knowing. Would you be comfortable with dealing with that lies all your life? If not, you should leave him. Take some time to let yourself handle it emotionally and financially and then step out of it. You are certainly right for wanting to break up and considering that a deal breaker.