I (35f) am living with my husband (44m) and three daughters (3, 5 and 7).
For years now my husband finds little things to pick on me for, for example leaving an empty bottle out, putting something on the wrong spot in the fridge, etc.
I know I’m far from perfect and have a lot of flaws, especially with household chores. I’m doing my best though, but I can understand it’s annoying him.
Yesterday, he came home and said “Oh, I thought the oven would be pre-heated already. Did you forget we were going to eat this and that?” To clarify, we never agreed on me doing that, our oven maybe takes 5 minutes to heat up, the food he wanted to cook wasn’t here yet since he brought it with him after work and he even said the night before “We’ll just cook this, I’ll buy it on the way home, no stress, we got time anyway.”
Then, he complained about an unfinished can of energy drink standing on my desk. He bought tons of these for me, my fav flavour, which I’m grateful for, but ever since he did, he criticises me for “drinking too many”. I had one a day, for 4 or 5 days now, and on one day I had 2. He even bought more, saying “Since you drink so many and they might be all gone soon.”
All these little things, those tiny jabs all the time, wore me down, since this has been going on for nearly 8 years now. I often sit alone at night, crying. Yesterday I had to cry to let it all out and ended up hiding in the washroom, so noone would notice.
He told me to just go cry about it when we argued later and I said “I already did.”, which is how he found out about me doing so.
Today, he did it again. He was moody in the morning and when I asked, he said it was because I didn’t pick up my phone at 1 AM last night. I fell asleep on the sofa and didn’t notice he called. Mind you, we were in the same house. He’d just have had to go downstairs to come find me in person.
Now, he told me that my walking away from him and pathetic crying in the washroom was immature and just me trying to play the victim.
I didn’t even tell anyone I tend to cry there until he brought it up.
So AITA for crying in the washroom and therefore being immature and trying to play the victim?
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I (35f) am living with my husband (44m) and three daughters (3, 5 and 7).
For years now my husband finds little things to pick on me for, for example leaving an empty bottle out, putting something on the wrong spot in the fridge, etc.
I know I’m far from perfect and have a lot of flaws, especially with household chores. I’m doing my best though, but I can understand it’s annoying him.
Yesterday, he came home and said “Oh, I thought the oven would be pre-heated already. Did you forget we were going to eat this and that?” To clarify, we never agreed on me doing that, our oven maybe takes 5 minutes to heat up, the food he wanted to cook wasn’t here yet since he brought it with him after work and he even said the night before “We’ll just cook this, I’ll buy it on the way home, no stress, we got time anyway.”
Then, he complained about an unfinished can of energy drink standing on my desk. He bought tons of these for me, my fav flavour, which I’m grateful for, but ever since he did, he criticises me for “drinking too many”. I had one a day, for 4 or 5 days now, and on one day I had 2. He even bought more, saying “Since you drink so many and they might be all gone soon.”
All these little things, those tiny jabs all the time, wore me down, since this has been going on for nearly 8 years now. I often sit alone at night, crying. Yesterday I had to cry to let it all out and ended up hiding in the washroom, so noone would notice.
He told me to just go cry about it when we argued later and I said “I already did.”, which is how he found out about me doing so.
Today, he did it again. He was moody in the morning and when I asked, he said it was because I didn’t pick up my phone at 1 AM last night. I fell asleep on the sofa and didn’t notice he called. Mind you, we were in the same house. He’d just have had to go downstairs to come find me in person.
Now, he told me that my walking away from him and pathetic crying in the washroom was immature and just me trying to play the victim.
I didn’t even tell anyone I tend to cry there until he brought it up.
So AITA for crying in the washroom and therefore being immature and trying to play the victim?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (2) My husband said I only cried in the washroom to make myself look like a victim
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – your feelings are valid and expressing them does not make you at all pathetic. you are human and it seems like your partner is being unfair to you. he should not speak to you that way, or act as though your feelings are invalid. i know it’s very easy for a stranger to suggest this, but if this behavior is long term, this isn’t a healthy relationship and you deserve better. sending you love <3
Just go do couples counseling.
NTA. What he’s doing is so far from okay. You’re not the immature one here, he is.
NTA. I mean you’re being the asshole to yourself because you deserve better. If a person truly loves you, they wouldn’t want to see you like this or be okay with “crying it off”
Honestly why are you with his man? Like seriously. He doesn’t treat you right, he is ABUSIVE! You deserve better. He’ll being alone is better than having cry to everyday in the washroom alone because he picks on you. Make your exit plan and leave. Start saving money anyway you can, maybe stay with family if that’s an option if you cannot afford to get out on your own. There are also resources.
You’re not playing the victim. You are a victim of emotional abuse. NTA
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This sure sounds like emotional abuse to me. These abusers say each particular thing is not a big deal like you said getting jabbed constantly wears you down. NTA.
NTA. What you described seems to be emotional abuse. If you can, seek professional help. My instinct is to tell you to get out of that situation, but I understand that it’s complicated with three children.
NTA, although if I were you I would definitely be the asshole for slowly poisoning him over time for the way he treats me
NTA Has he always been like this or is this new behavior? Does he have other controlling behaviors? Who controls the money? Do you have your own income and a place for you and your kids to go if you leave him? Him picking at you til you cry and then calling you weak for crying is cruel behavior guaranteed to wear away your self esteem bit by bit. Have you tried standing up to him- how did that go?
NTA, girl run! You deserve better than this. This is systematic abuse and brainwashing in minute forms so that if/when you do leave he can paint the picture of you overreacting and being mentally unstable over leaving about something trivial when in reality it was the straw that broke the camels back.
NTA. your husband is gaslighting you for what is a valid emotional response to his criticisms and attacks. you are not responsible for his mood – the idea that he’s upset because you didn’t pick up your phone at 1 am is literally WILD. he is a toxic man and you should get yourself away from that situation, or at least go to counseling so you have someone who helps you and who is in your corner.
NTA, but deep down you probably know this and know that how your husband talks to you in not ok. Normal people don’t go around criticizing others for such minor things. This is the behavior of someone actively looking for ways to take digs at you. What happens when you stand up for yourself? Does he continue to belittle you or treat you worse? Consider if this is someone who has your best interests at heart. How does he treat your daughters? They should not get used to you being treated this way, otherwise they might believe that they deserve the same treatment too.
NTA. I watched my mom deal with this kind of emotional abuse for 22 years before my dad finally left. Even now, 18 years after their divorce, she is a shell of a person with zero confidence. Please do whatever you can to leave before your daughters internalize the way he treats you and think it’s ok
NTA
You are not immature or playing the victim. YOU ARE THE VICTIM! OP – you don’t deserve this. You are not a slob with a drink can left out- you’re wrangling 3 kids. Leaving a can on your desk is a sign that you were needed before you could throw it away.
Your husband is taking his crappy moods out on you. That’s not fair.
I hope that you can find the strength to stop putting up with it. As long as you keep taking his abuse personally it’s not going to stop. Please consider some therapy? You are doing a great job, but until you believe that- you won’t begin to heal.
NTA but he is emotionally abusive. God you need to leave. Do not go to therapy with him, he will just find ways to mask his behaviour
I know it is easy to ignore the sanity checks people online are giving you, but please listen to everyone saying he is being abusive. He is trying to break down your self confidence and it appears to be working. My small piece of advice is to write down EVERY thing he criticizes you for for a one-week period, and then show it to a trusted friend or family member. Someone you know giving you the same feedback as us will be helpful. Don’t keep this to yourself!
Obviously NTA, he certainly is. Honestly, throughout much of the post I thought, “I can see both sides of this. I can see how she’d be sensitive to constant nagging and I can see how he’d be sensitive to moderate untidiness.”
But the oven thing? Okay, not great, kind of wild, but we’ve all had bad days…
…But you explained your feelings to him, and he told you to go cry about it, and insists you’re playing the victim?
This sounds like calculated abuse, as well as… something gaslight-adjacent..? He is hurting you on purpose, and he’s making you out to be the one in the wrong for being upset. What reminds of something similar to gaslighting is buying you those drinks, then mocking you for drinking them. “Here’s a gift, I know you like this, I got it for you,” “Why are you drinking that?”. That’s… not the mindset of a mentally/emotionally normal person.
I hope you will see your worth and reconsider this relationship. I know it’s hard, and painful, but something much better is waiting on the other side for you.
NTA, he needs to respect you, either couples counselling or separation. If he is maki n you cry it is a toxic relationship.
NTA. But also the ahole to yourself. If you child came to you and told you their spouse did to them what your husband is doing to you what advice would you give?
Your husband is a major ahole. He was pissy and took it out on you. Sweetie take it from a person who spent 10 years with a man who made fun of me, leave and get therapy.
Is he mean to your kids too? Or are you the only one who he takes it out on? He’s a jerk.
If you want to stay, sit him down and talk to him. Go to couple therapy. Tell him you wouldn’t cry in the washroom if he wasn’t a massive jerk to you constantly.
I would say that he is over this marriage and probably has someone else. He treats you like dirt and maybe hopes you’ll get the hint
Your husband is an asshole
Why are you staying with this monster??? NTA, and please get yourself a good divorce lawyer.
You sound incredibly depressed. He sounds incredibly depressed and like he most likely hates himself. He’s taking it out on you. You’re taking it out on you. He’s abusive. You’re not the asshole but you may unintentionally be supporting an asshole. Work on you to be stronger and independent, worry about you and your kids. Love yourself first so you can be healthy and dependable for them. If your husband wants to be healthy and is open to bettering himself for all of you, great. If not, you’ll never be good enough for him so stop trying. Be good enough for you.
NTA but do you really want your daughters growing up believing this is love? That this is the way romantic partners are supposed to treat them? Think hard, not just about your future, but the future of your children.
nah girl you’re not the asshole for crying in the washroom, you’re a human being trying not to break down in front of your kids. sounds like he’s been slowly chipping away at your self-esteem and then gaslighting you for reacting like a normal person. hiding to cry isn’t immature it’s survival mode. he’s the one acting like a moody teen who’s mad his midnight call didn’t get answered in the same house.
He is gaslighting you. Making you depressed and anxious so he feels superior to you. Leave because it will just get worse. NTA
NTA. Your daughters will grow to assume that this is normal for how a man should treat them.
Who exactly are you “playing victim” for, if you’re hiding in the bathroom??!?!
People who film themselves crying and posting it on the internet? Yeah ok, I could call THAT playing victim, but hiding in the bathroom???
Your kids should never be brought up in a miserable environment….you’re teaching how life works, and this isn’t working
I lived with this same man for 20 years. I promise it doesn’t get any better. It broke me, I’m no longer the person I once was.
NTA. This person does not like you very much. It reminds me of when my ex was having an affair- he would look for any reason to pick at me and cause fights. It was crazy making. Ywbta if you continue to live like this.
This is textbook emotional abuse. You need to stand up for yourself and get a hold or out of this situation. I would never, EVER, talk to my wife this way. Not even in anger.
I mean, sure she has habits that might be a little irritating but so do I, we’re people, human beings, we’re flawed, oh no…and honestly,if I ever said or did anything that made her cry (even if in the rarest occasion thought she was being too sensitive) I’d apologize and hold her through it and talk it out to make sure I never did it again. Or see if she misunderstood and explain it… sorry for the ramble but this makes me mad.
No one should mock someone for crying. You deserve better.
Time to kick his ass to the curb
You are married to a bully and I’m sorry he’s making you miserable. Think about the image of life and fulfillment and marriage you’re portraying to your girls. I highly recommend therapy for you, and couples therapy if he will go, but even if he doesn’t you need strategies to be stronger and more confident and to stand up to him when he’s being mean. That, or save your money until you can afford to leave.
NTA, but I want you to sit down and think hard about something.
Pretend your eldest daughter is now 27. She comes to you and tells you that her husband is belittling her for leaving an empty bottle on the counter, not moving the clothes from the washer to the dryer when he thinks they should have been moved, by putting leftovers in the wrong container. What would you tell her?
You are modeling behavior for your young daughters and they will think this is how marriage and relationships are supposed to work. Is that what you want them to learn?
The first step is the hardest. But give yourself and your little girls that chance.
Textbook gaslighting here. As a married husband here, I’m going to say your husband is a fucking dick.
NTA Love is a verb, a series of actions that make you feel important, respected and safe. Constant little criticisms and complaints erode that and they damage your self esteem. Tell him to knock it off because it will kill your feelings for him. It takes seven positive and loving actions to reverse the damage of one unkind action. I tell my family that if you really need to say something unkind then it had better be worth it. Because you are responsible for apologizing and repairing it after. I’ve had to do this myself, apologize for being unkind and focus on how my loved one is important to me. Words matter.
Wow, your husband is a total dick. There’s no reason to treat anyone like that, especially your wife. Honestly other than the kids, I can’t see any reason why you’d still stick around with him. What a serious asshole.
NTA but I recommend couples therapy
Looking at this optimistically – Being an emotional person isn’t a bad thing, but neither is teasing your spouse. If you don’t communicate that he’s crossing a line then he’s not going to know. He may be defensive because he didn’t realize he had been hurting you and blaming you is easier than accepting that he has hurt you to the point of tears frequently.
Looking at this pessimistically – Your husband is a mean man who intentionally picks on you. He thinks your reaction to his nasty behavior is weakness and he looks down on you for it.
Tell him to piss up a tree and start accepting you are important in this relationship
NTA. Your husband sounds like an insufferable jerk though. How would you feel about his jabs if they were from your daughters’ future significant others toward them? Because you are modeling for them that you should just accept poor treatment all the time.
Leave him!
Sweetie you need to read up on narcissistic abuse and DARVO.
You are being constantly emotionally abused and I know you don’t want to have your daughters end up in the same situation with a cruel man like their father.
You also don’t want them thinking it is okay to treat their mother or any woman this way.
I am wishing you all the best. Go to therapy with someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse and DO NOT bring your husband, this is for you and it is often used by spouses to further harm their victims.
r/NarcissisticSpouses